Sam: You know, for the longest time, I kept pretending about you. I guess I was afraid to really admit my feelings. But from the very start, down deep inside, I have been crazy about you. Crazier about you than any other woman I've ever met. I mean, hell, I was crazy about you even when I hated you. [Diane laughs] What I'm trying to say is will you marry me?
Diane: No.
Sam: No?
Diane: No.
Sam: Are you serious?
Diane: I'm afraid I am.
Sam: Well... seems to me you have two choices. One, I can throw you in. Or two, you can jump in.

Diane: Sam, I know you to be a man of pride and principle, but strength is also to be found in the ability to bend. Witness the willow, nature's strongest tree.
Sam: No, I thought the oak was the strongest tree.
Diane: Only in furniture.
Sam: What about the saying "strong as the mighty oak"?
Diane: The oak can be felled by a single harsh wind under the right circumstances.
Sam: All right, but what about birch and mahogany? Now, those--
Diane: Would you shut up about the damn trees?
Sam: You brought them up.

Sam: Come on, man, she's just doing it to make you jealous.
Frasier: Oh, God, I'm losing her, Sam.
Sam: Oh, would you stop that? You're my friend. I'm never going to take a woman away from you.
Frasier: What about Diane?
Sam: And didn't God punish me with a vengeance?
Frasier: Well, yes, but gee whiz, Sam...

Sam: How much are you going to take before you realize this guy is no good for you?
Rebecca: I don't know, Sam. How much does it take when you're in love with someone? You know, I've heard stories about you and that Diane girl. You put up with her for 5 years. 5 years! What about that?
Sam: Sweetheart, if I could have sent her to prison, don't you think I would have?

Sam: Sammy to the rescue!
Rebecca: Sam, get that mutt out of here!
Sam: What?
Rebecca: Sheridan's in the kitchen with Satan!
Sam: This is no time for folk singing.

Woody: Do you think I'm supposed to marry Kelly, Sam? I mean, do you think that's what the plan is for me?
Sam: You getting cold feet, buddy?
Woody: Well, yeah, it is a little chilly up here, but I'm trying to talk philosophical.
Sam: Yeah, I think you should marry her. You guys are in love, man. That's the best. [sighs] You know, sometimes I don't think I'll ever find someone. I thought Diane was going to be the one, but it turns out she wasn't. Which was lucky for me because if she had been I just would have ended up killing her and dying in the electric chair.
Woody: That is lucky.

Sam: Oh, my. Yeah, uh, listen I know what you want to do is run out there and tell the guys, but I've got to remind you here, Paul, a gentleman does not kiss and tell. It's just not cool.
Paul: But you do it, Sam.
Sam: True. True. But I'm Sam Malone, and by definition, everything I do is cool.

Diane: Maybe I can still catch him.
Sam: Fine. And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this: you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met.
Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered-
Sam: Shut up! Shut your fat mouth.
Diane: Make me.
Sam: Make you? My God, I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office.
Diane: Try it, and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier?
Sam: You know... You know, I always wanted to pop you one. Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?
Diane: You disgust me. I hate you.
Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
Diane: More. [they kiss]

Sam: Everything just got calm.
Diane: I don't notice any difference.
Sam: Oh, yes, yes. There's a difference in everything. The whole world just changed for me. Oh! Look! The stars are new. The moon is new. Sam Malone is new, and I like him. And I like them, and they like me. And none of us like you.
Diane: Am I going overboard again?
Sam: No, no, no, don't be silly. That would mean I care, and I don't. Bye-bye, Diane.
Diane: Where are you going?
Sam: I'm going to swim ashore.
Diane: You can't do that.
Sam: Very well, I'll take the dinghy. You see how quickly the new Sam adjusts?
Diane: You're going to just leave me out here all alone?
Sam: Yes, I am.
Diane: Sam. Sam Malone. If you leave me out here all alone, you are the most despicable creature on Earth!
Sam: Well, I yam what I yam, and that's all what I yam. [whistles "Popeye the Sailor Man"]

Woody: So, Sam, what are you concocting there?
Sam: Well, you know how superstitious Carla and Eddie are. I thought I'd mix them up a batch of my good-luck wedding punch. It never fails.
Woody: Isn't that the same stuff you made when you were getting married to Miss Chambers?
Sam: Woody, you want to flush this down the toilet?