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‘The One with the Truth About London’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Truth About London

716. The One with the Truth About London

Aired February 22, 2001

As Chandler and Monica struggle to find someone to officiate their wedding, the truth about their first night together in London comes out. Ross is angry when Rachel teaches Ben practical jokes.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: How can I not be upset? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out she wanted you first.
Joey: Yeah, for like a half an hour one night. Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life. We look at you and we see you together, and it just it fits, you know? And you just know it's gonna last forever.
Chandler: That's what you should say.
Joey: What?
Chandler: When you're marrying us, that's what you should say.
Joey: Really? I could do it?
Chandler: I'd love you to do it.
Chandler: But those are the words. Those exact words.
Joey: Well, I don't remember exactly but it's pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.

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Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Whoa, what's going on? We just made out. We're making out?
Monica: Not anymore.
Chandler: But we don't do that.
Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough that I know I want to do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler: That's the perfect amount.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Ben, you know, when you were a baby we'd hang out all the time. Because I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore.
Rachel: No, I'm not.
Ben: Because you guys were on a break.
Rachel: Hey, we were not on a-

Quote from Joey

Joey: Anyway, I started on what I'm gonna say for the ceremony. You want to hear it?
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: Listen, this is just the first draft, so... "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." Eh? "It is a love based on giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have and receive."
Chandler: Should we call the spitter?

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Rachel, what are you doing here?
Rachel: I'm just visiting my good friend Carol.
Ross: Your good friend?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: What's her last name?
Rachel: Carol ... Lesbian.
Ross: Nice.

Quote from Ross

Ross: By the way, that line down my face... The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say: "Dude, don't you ever wash your face?"

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: So now what have we agreed?
Ben: No more pranks.
Rachel: And what else?
Ben: You and Daddy were not on a break.
Rachel: Very good.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, listen, could you do me a big favor? The dean's office called and said there's an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for, I don't know, like an hour?
Rachel: What about Monica?
Ross: She isn't home.
Rachel: So it would just be me alone?
Ross: Well, Ben would be there.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: What about the second minister? I kind of liked him.
Chandler: You mean the spitter?
Monica: Come on. He wasn't that bad.
Chandler: Easy for you to say, you'd be wearing a veil.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: No, it's a real thing. Anyone can be ordained on the Internet and perform weddings and stuff.
Joey: I call it!
Phoebe: What? No, it was my idea!
Chandler: Thank you very much, but neither of you is marrying us.
Joey: Does calling it not mean anything anymore?

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy. And when I say legitimate, I mean gay and in control of his saliva.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: So no brothers or sisters, huh? You know what, I had two sisters and we just tortured each other.
Ben: Really? Like how?
Rachel: Well, you know, we would, um we'd repeat everything the other said, or we'd jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar with salt so they put salt on their cereal.
Ben: That's a good one.
Rachel: Yeah, you like that one?
Ben: Yeah, you're funny.
Rachel: I'm funny? Oh, thank God.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Well, hey, I got a ton of these. You take a quarter and you blacken the edge, right? And then you say, "I bet you can't roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face." And when they do it, they're left with a big, black pencil line right down the center of their face.
Ben: Can I do it to you?
Rachel: Yeah, I'm funny, Ben, but I'm not stupid.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Then let me do it.
Chandler: Joe-
Joey: No, I've been thinking. I'm an actor, so I won't get nervous in front of people. I won't spit and I won't stare at Monica's breasts. Everyone knows I'm an ass man.
Monica: That is true.
Joey: But the most important thing is, it won't be some stranger who barely knows you. It'll be me. And I swear, I'll do a really good job. Plus, I love you guys and it would really mean a lot to me.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Okay, I gotta get started on my speech. Wait a minute. Internet ministers can have sex, right?
Chandler: Yeah.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: I have a bone to pick with you.
Rachel: Uh-oh.
Ross: Yes. Ben learned a little trick.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, did he pull the old?
Ross: That's right, that's right. Saran wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere.
Rachel: Oh, that.
Ross: Yeah, that. You know I hate practical jokes. They're mean and they're stupid and I don't want my son learning them.
Rachel: Come on. Saran wrap on the toilet seat? You don't think that's just a little funny?
Ross: I was barefoot.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: Now, tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him, right?
Rachel: Yes.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani.
Monica: You did it? You got ordained?
Joey: Yeah. Just got off the Internet. Man, there's a lot of porn out there.
Chandler: Our minister.

Quote from Rachel

Carol: Hey, Rachel.
Rachel: Hi.
Carol: What a nice surprise. What are you doing here?
Rachel: Well, you know, I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and thought to myself, "What's up with Carol and sweet little Ben?"
Carol: That's nice. Well, come on in.
Rachel: Okay.
Carol: I'll make some coffee and we can chat.
Rachel: I'd love that. I would love that. So where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little-
Ben: Argh!
Rachel: I found him. Very funny. Come here. That is exactly why I've come here to talk to you, okay?
Carol: Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee?
Rachel: Yes- Do I want sugar in my coffee? [Ben shakes his head] No, just some milk would be good, Carol.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Okay, do you remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Ben: "Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?"
Rachel: Don't do that.
Ben: "Don't do that."
Rachel: Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks.
Ben: "Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks."
Rachel: Oh, damn it.
Ben: "Oh, damn it!"
Rachel: No! Don't say that. Don't say that.
Ben: Damn it!
Rachel: Go back to repeating.
Ben: Damn it!
Rachel: Oh, crap.
Ben: "Oh, crap!"

Quote from Joey

Joey: Okay, guys, I got a little more written, ready?
Chandler: Yeah, okay.
Joey: "When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share I ca not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving and-" And then I can't think of a good word for right here.
Monica: How about "receiving"?
Joey: Yes!

Quote from Joey

Chandler: See, Joe, not that that's not great but one cool thing about having someone we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us. You know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us.
Joey: Ooh, okay. Maybe I'll talk about London, when you hooked up. Only I won't say "hooked up" I'll say, "began their beautiful journey-"
Monica: There you go.
Joey: "- by doing it."

Quote from Joey

Joey: So how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room and then the next think you know, you're in the bathtub and she's feeding you strawberries?
Chandler: Isn't that what happened with you and the bridesmaid?
Joey: Yeah! I call that "London style."

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Is Joey here?
Chandler: No, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with a bridesmaid and a bucket of strawberries.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Want to get under the covers?
Monica: Okay. Wow, you are really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Monica: We're gonna see each other naked.
Chandler: Yep.
Monica: You want to do it at the same time?
Chandler: Count of three?
Monica: One-
Chandler and Monica: Two, three-
Chandler: Well, I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica: Eh, we weren't that close anyway.
Chandler: Eh.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: It's Joey, Joey, Joey!
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey, Joe. I was just watching a movie.
Joey: Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.
Chandler: No! No!
Joey: It's cool. I'll only be a second. I'm still with my bridesmaid. Dude, where are those condoms you brought?
Chandler: They're in my bag over there. Uh, could you leave me one?
Joey: For just you?
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: All right. There you go, buddy. Go nuts.

Quote from Joey

Joey: That's what that was? Can you imagine, if I hadn't left you that last one, you two might've never gotten together. Oh, oh. Can you imagine if I had sent that hooker up to the room like I was gonna? It's like it was in the stars.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey wasn't there?
Joey: Hey! I'm a man of the cloth but I still have feelings.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Okay, there's no way you're doing this wedding now, okay?
Joey: What? That's not fair. It's not my fault. I was off with my bridesmaid. And who's to say I would have even said yes? I mean, I would have said yes.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Wait, Chandler, it's not a big deal.
Chandler: It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman and instead you had to settle for Robin.
Joey: This is crazy.
Phoebe: I know. Robin is so gay.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: I don't want you teaching my son that stuff anymore. Okay?
Rachel: Fine. Fine. But I'll have you know, once I taught him that stuff, he called me "fun Aunt Rachel." And I loved being fun Aunt Rachel.
Ross: I'm glad you guys were bonding but-
Rachel: Look, he doesn't have any brothers or sisters. Somebody's going to have to teach him this stuff. And I haven't taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesn't know.
Ben: [o.s.] Crap!
Rachel: I gotta go.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: I'm really glad you guys are okay, but I just keep thinking what would've happened if you two had hooked up.
[fantasy:]
Monica: Honey, dinner's ready!
Joey: What's my little chef got for me tonight?
Monica: Your favorite.
Joey: Ho, ho, ho, fried stuff with cheese.
Monica: Yep, and lots of it!
Joey: Thanks, sweetheart. Give me a little sugar. [Joey picks up a piece of food] How you doin'?

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Hey, Pheebs, how's it going?
Phoebe: Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache.
Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Can I get you something?
Phoebe: Oh my God, you’ve got to stop chattering!
Monica: Here, take a couple of these.
Phoebe: What is it?
Monica: It's Hexadrin.
Phoebe: Oh no, I don't believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these points right here... Then your hand starts to hurt and you still have a headache, so thanks. [takes the pills]

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: It's amazing. My headache is completely gone. What are those pills called?
Monica: Hexadrin. [hands Phoebe the box]
Phoebe: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! Oh, look! It comes with a story.
Monica: No, Phoebe, those are like the side effects and stuff.
Phoebe: Say what?
Monica: You know, the possible side effects.
Phoebe: Oh, my God! Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness, facial swelling, nausea, headache- Headache! Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage. Now okay, I don’t recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death capsules! Oh, I’m sorry, extra strength death capsules!
Monica: Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens. They just put it on there for legal reasons.
Phoebe: Why?
Monica: In case it happens.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Want something to drink?
Ben: Okay.
Rachel: Uh, great. How do you feel about Diet Coke?
Ben: I'm not allowed to have soda.
Rachel: Okay. Well that's pretty much all that we have— Oh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita?
Ben: What's a virgin?
Rachel: Water it is.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Ooh, is that lemon poppy seed?
Gunther: Oh, you don't want these. They're old and stale. I'm leaving them out for the pigeons.
Joey: I call them!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I have liver damage. Ow! Oh! [holding the left side of her torso]
Monica: Phoebe, your liver is right here. [pointing to the right side]
Phoebe: Okay, then I must be disoriented.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I feel like my face is swelling. [To Monica)] Is my face swelling?
Monica: Phoebe, your face is fine. Come on, none of this stuff is going to happen to you. Stop being such a baby!
Phoebe: Oh, interesting you should call me that. Now that I may never have one.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: [to Monica] So, did you ever make him throw up a whole anything?
Phoebe: Did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the eyes?
Monica: It doesn’t say that.
Phoebe: Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all about the side affects!

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Okay, maybe they are not funny to you-
Carol: [o.s.] Oh, my God!
Rachel: Or Carol. But they're funny to kids. And who is it hurting?
Ross: Uh, you know what? I’ll tell you who it hurts. It hurts the kid who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principal's office wearing nothing but a catcher's mitt!
Rachel: That was you?! We heard about you in Junior High! Did you really just shake your fist in the air and shout, "I will be avenged!"


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