Gerry: Joe, it's all just a bit trickier today. There are so many roadblocks up, there are so many diversions, and, you know, I drive for a living.
Joe: He says this like it's something to be proud of.
Gerry: Look, we just need to get out of this place as quickly and as quietly as possible.
Joe: You know what age I am, boy? You know how many of these parades I've lived through? You think I don't realise how quickly a situation can turn? Do you think I would do anything to put my family at risk?
Gerry: No. Of course not. I'm sorry.
Jim: Aye.
[cut to Joe's car stuck in the middle of the Orange Order parade:]
Joe: What are you looking at, you tangerine tool?!

Gerry: Why have you got a surfboard, Joe?
Joe: Jim across the road gave me the lend.
Gerry: I'll start again. What are you planning to do with the surfboard, Joe?
Joe: Surf. Something I always fancied doing, ever since I saw that film, the one where the lads try to catch thon big fish.
Gerry: What film is that?
Joe: You know, the big fish, the musical fish.
Gerry: The musical fish?
Joe: He hums a tune before he attacks people. They try to catch him but their boat's too wee.
Gerry: Are you talking about Jaws?
Joe: That's the one.
Gerry: Jaws made you want to take up surfing?
Joe: Aye.
Gerry: Grand so.

Joe: Right, as far as I can make out, this thing has two main aims. Firstly, to stop us all killing one another.
Aunt Sarah: Fair enough.
Joe: And secondly, to allow us to govern ourselves from here, rather than England.
Aunt Sarah: From Derry?
Joe: I would say so.
Gerry: Would it not be more likely to be Belfast? Belfast is the capital.
Mary: Aye, but that was an oversight, Gerry.

Joe: Er, the release of all paramilitary prisoners, both flavours.
[Joe points to two different packets of Tayto Cheese & Onion crisps]
Gerry: Both flavours?
Mary: Loyalist and Republican.
Gerry: Of course.
Mary: This is what I don't understand. What happens to the lads when they get out? I mean, what does an ex-paramilitary do?
Joe: Gardening.
Gerry: Gardening?
Joe: Have you any better suggestions?

Joe: Them wains shouldn't have to take the bus to school. You should be driving them, you useless shite.
Gerry: I have to work, Joe.
Joe: Work? Ha-ha! Is that what you call it?
Gerry: Yes.
Joe: Why don't you just leave my Mary alone?
Gerry: Because we've been married for 17 years, Joe. We have two children. And because we're in love with each other.
Erin: Oh, boke.
Joe: I'll find some dirt on you yet, boy. I've got people working on it.

Joe: You'll not tell me where I can and can't go in me own town! Orange bastards!

Joe: You stay over too, son?
James: Yes, I did. That's correct, sir.
Joe: [looks at Erin] What, in your room? [to Gerry] Have you nothing to say about this, you slack southern shite? Look, love, I know the fella's gay...
James: I'm not gay.
Joe: But gay or not...
James: Who said I was gay?
Joe: ...he's still a fella. There's still a good chance that he's a rapist. I mean no offence, son.

Jim: Look, Colm's met JFK. He has experience with presidents, he'll know what to do.
Joe: No chance! I'm sorry, Colm, but you can't be part of this. If you meet Bill Clinton, you'll be a president up. You'll have two presidents to my one. I cannot have you getting ahead of me, president-wise.
Sarah: One of his presidents is dead, Daddy.
Joe: It still counts.
Jim: Ssh!
Joe: I'll only have to even things up again.
Jim: Ssh, Joe!
Joe: I can't spend the rest of my life traipsing around after bloody presidents. I've other things to be at, girls.

Mary: Listen, wains, I've already said this to Erin.
Erin: Mammy, please!
Mary: No funny business with these Protestant lads. Is that clear? I don't want anybody landing back here pregnant.
James: Not very likely in my case.
Joe: I wouldn't rule it out, son.

Joe: Hello, love.
Erin: Did you get your head around this referendum thing yet?
Joe: I did, aye.
Erin: And what do you think?
Joe: Hm. Oh, it doesn't matter what I think. Sure, I'm an old man. It's what you think that's important.
Erin: People died. Innocent people died, Granda. They were someone's mother, father, daughter, son. Nothing can ever make that OK. And the people who took those lives, they're just gonna walk free. You know, what if we do it, and it was all for nothing? What if we vote yes, and it doesn't even work?
Joe: And what if it does? What if no-one else has to die? What if all this becomes a... a ghost story you'll tell your wains one day? Hmm? A ghost story they'll hardly believe.