Joe McCool Quotes Page 1 of 7    

Quote from Episode Five

Gerry: Joe, it's all just a bit trickier today. There are so many roadblocks up, there are so many diversions, and, you know, I drive for a living.
Joe: He says this like it's something to be proud of.
Gerry: Look, we just need to get out of this place as quickly and as quietly as possible.
Joe: You know what age I am, boy? You know how many of these parades I've lived through? You think I don't realise how quickly a situation can turn? Do you think I would do anything to put my family at risk?
Gerry: No. Of course not. I'm sorry.
Jim: Aye.
[cut to Joe's car stuck in the middle of the Orange Order parade:]
Joe: What are you looking at, you tangerine tool?!


Quote from Episode One

Joe: Them wains shouldn't have to take the bus to school. You should be driving them, you useless shite.
Gerry: I have to work, Joe.
Joe: Work? Ha-ha! Is that what you call it?
Gerry: Yes.
Joe: Why don't you just leave my Mary alone?
Gerry: Because we've been married for 17 years, Joe. We have two children. And because we're in love with each other.
Erin: Oh, boke.
Joe: I'll find some dirt on you yet, boy. I've got people working on it.

Quote from Episode Five

Joe: You'll not tell me where I can and can't go in me own town! Orange bastards!

Quote from Episode Three

Joe: You stay over too, son?
James: Yes, I did. That's correct, sir.
Joe: [looks at Erin] What, in your room? [to Gerry] Have you nothing to say about this, you slack southern shite? Look, love, I know the fella's gay...
James: I'm not gay.
Joe: But gay or not...
James: Who said I was gay?
Joe: ...he's still a fella. There's still a good chance that he's a rapist. I mean no offence, son.

Quote from The President

Jim: Look, Colm's met JFK. He has experience with presidents, he'll know what to do.
Joe: No chance! I'm sorry, Colm, but you can't be part of this. If you meet Bill Clinton, you'll be a president up. You'll have two presidents to my one. I cannot have you getting ahead of me, president-wise.
Sarah: One of his presidents is dead, Daddy.
Joe: It still counts.
Jim: Ssh!
Joe: I'll only have to even things up again.
Jim: Ssh, Joe!
Joe: I can't spend the rest of my life traipsing around after bloody presidents. I've other things to be at, girls.

Quote from Across the Barricade

Mary: Listen, wains, I've already said this to Erin.
Erin: Mammy, please!
Mary: No funny business with these Protestant lads. Is that clear? I don't want anybody landing back here pregnant.
James: Not very likely in my case.
Joe: I wouldn't rule it out, son.

Quote from Episode Two

Joe: I'll have a chicken fillet burger. No lettuce, no tomato, no cheese...
Gerry: I'll just write plain, will I?
Joe: No onions, no cucumber.
Gerry: One plain...
Joe: No relish, no pickles, no mayonnaise.
Gerry: No chicken.
Joe: What do you mean, no chicken?! [phone rings]
Mary: Get that!
Joe: It's a chicken burger! Of course I want chicken! What are you? A simpleton? "No chicken."

Quote from The Night Before

Granda Joe: And what's that gotta do with Seamus?
Da Gerry: The fact that the corpses starting piling up within hours of you taking in a feral cat is no coincidence, Joe.
Granda Joe: It wasn't Seamus! Seamus wouldn't hurt a fly.
Da Gerry: I've seen him eat flies.
Granda Joe: Seamus didn't kill anything! There's a tabby, two streets away, has a vendetta against him. They had a falling out. I don't know the details.
Da Gerry: So, Seamus has been framed by another cat?!
Granda Joe: Exactly!
Aunt Sarah: Jesus, that's desperate.

Quote from The Night Before

Granda Joe: This is a good spot.
Da Gerry: Oh, is it now? Disposed of a body before, have you, Joe?
Granda Joe: No. But I've often thought about how I might.

Quote from Stranger on a Train

Da Gerry: Why have you got a surfboard, Joe?
Granda Joe: Jim across the road gave me the lend.
Da Gerry: I'll start again. What are you planning to do with the surfboard, Joe?
Granda Joe: Surf. Something I always fancied doing, ever since I saw that film, the one where the lads try to catch thon big fish.
Da Gerry: What film is that?
Granda Joe: You know, the big fish, the musical fish.
Da Gerry: The musical fish?
Granda Joe: He hums a tune before he attacks people. They try to catch him but their boat's too wee.
Da Gerry: Are you talking about Jaws?
Granda Joe: That's the one.
Da Gerry: Jaws made you want to take up surfing?
Granda Joe: Aye.
Da Gerry: Grand so.

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