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Sam at Eleven

‘Sam at Eleven’

Season 1, Episode 4 -  Aired October 21, 1982

A former teammate-turned-sportscaster wants to interview Sam on his show.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon.
Sam: Hey, Norm!
Coach: Norm!
Norm: Gimme a beer, will you?
Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm: Like I just ran over its dog.

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Quote from Coach

Coach: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You wanna talk about excitement, huh? Sam, tell 'em about opening day in New York. You come out of the bullpen on the seventh. The bases are loaded with pinstripes. Bobby Mercer's at the plate.
Sam: He hit a 400ft home run off me, Coach!
Coach: My God, it was the most exciting thing I ever saw!
Carla: Coach, this is Sam's interview. Why would he wanna talk about something bad happening to him?
Coach: You're right, Carla. I don't know what it is. You know, sometimes I just think of the smartest thing to say, and then it comes out so stupid.
Carla: That doesn't make any sense.
Coach: Well, you should have heard it before I said it!

Quote from Diane

Dave: What do we have here? Hi. Dave Richards, an old team-mate of Sam's.
Diane: Oh. Diane Chambers. I'm Sam's new waitress.
Dave: Sam have his brand on you yet?
Diane: Hardly.
Dave: Oh, well, then good. It's your lucky day. Not only am I incredibly good-looking, I'm also incredibly rich and incredibly nice.
Sam: And incredibly married!
Diane: Well, I am sorry to hear that.
Dave: You are?
Diane: Yes. I was hoping to reject you based solely on your personality.

Quote from Diane

Sam: OK, what's the problem?
Diane: What makes you think I have a problem?
Sam: Because you've got that "Sam's a chowderhead and wouldn't understand if I drew him a picture" look.
Diane: Oh, I do get that sometimes. Sam, the fact of the matter is that you are an ex-jockstrap-
Sam: Ex-jock. That's ex-jock! How many times do I gotta tell you that?
Diane: Well, what is the origin of the word jock?
Sam: I- From the French. Jacques.

Quote from Sam

Diane: The point I am laboring to make here is that when I see an old athlete reliving his glory days on TV, I can't help but feel sorry for him, and I don't want to feel sorry for you.
Sam: Wait a minute. Feel sorry for me? Hey, look, I resent that. You don't have to feel sorry for me. You know who you should feel sorry for? I'll tell you who you should feel sorry for. You should feel sorry for the Flintstones!
Diane: I beg your pardon?
Sam: Well, yeah, they're opposite the six o'clock news, and when people find out that Mayday Malone is on, Bedrock is gonna be a very lonely little town!

Quote from Coach

Carla: [answers the phone] Cheers. Yeah. Coach, your friend Walt.
Coach: Walt? [takes the phone] Walt, Walt. My God, it's so good to hear from you! Well, I'm so glad the operation's over, Walt. Listen, I didn't tell you beforehand, Walt, but I didn't think your chances going in there were too good. Oh, it's tomorrow? Well, listen, don't worry, Walt, you'll fly right through it. It's a piece of cake.

Quote from Coach

Harry: Coach, how about a beer?
Coach: Forget it, Harry. Now, Sam says I can't serve you. You're a flimflam.
Harry: No, it ain't for me, I'm expecting a friend.
Coach: A friend?
Harry: Yeah. He asked me to order it for him. He did. He did. In fact, he wrote it down. "One beer."
Coach: Now, wait, wait, wait. Wait one minute, Harry. One minute, Harry. Let me see that. Yeah, "one beer." Just had to make sure.
Harry: Okay.
Coach: That'll be one buck.
Harry: One buck. Let's see... Uh, I thought I had a dollar. Oh, I got a ten. You got change?
Coach: Absolutely. [gets change] Here you go.
Harry: Oh, I have a buck after all. I don't need the change. Why don't you give me my ten back.
Coach: Right. Oh... Right. Here you go.
Harry: No, Coach, I don't want to carry all these bills. Listen, give me a 20 for the whole thing. You got it.
Sam: Nobody move! Oh, come on, Coach, don't you see he's short-changing you?
Coach: Oh, no, no, Sam. He's outsmarted me before, but not this time. No way.
Sam: Coach, how much are you giving him?
Coach: 20 bucks.
Sam: How much is he giving you?
Coach: Oh... Darn you, Harry!

Quote from Norm

Sam: You're a little late, Norm. How come?
Norm: Vera dragged me down to the mortuary to arrange our funeral.
Sam: Ah, you thinking of dying, Norm?
Norm: No date circled yet, but you know Vera, she likes to plan ahead. Yeah, we're gonna get cremated.
Coach: No, kidding. What are you gonna do with the ashes?
Norm: Well, I wanted to throw them in her mother's face, but I think we're gonna have them scattered over the Adirondacks.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Hello, everyone!
Coach: Hi, Diane!
Diane: Sorry I'm late, but you'll be delighted when you hear why.
Carla: We were just delighted that you were late!
Diane: I had the most fabulous after-class discussion with my art history professor. I now feel unequivocally I have a full grasp of Impressionism.
Carla: Yeah?
Diane: Yeah.
Carla: Do Kirk Douglas!

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, those "Where are they now?" interviews on TV...
Sam: Yeah?
Diane: ...are depressing. You know, any time you put a "former" in front of someone's name, even the most attractive, bright, successful guy...
Sam: Excuse me. Excuse me. Attractive?
Diane: Yeah. Even then...
Sam: I didn't know you thought I was attractive.
Diane: Well, you know, when the light strikes you in a certain way, and your hair's combed just right, and I'm standing back a ways, you're... you're sometimes somewhat unrepugnant.
Sam: Yeah, that's what women call me. Tall, dark and unrepugnant!

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