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‘Sam at Eleven’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Sam at Eleven

104. Sam at Eleven

Aired October 21, 1982

A former teammate-turned-sportscaster wants to interview Sam on his show.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon.
Sam: Hey, Norm!
Coach: Norm!
Norm: Gimme a beer, will you?
Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm: Like I just ran over its dog.

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Quote from Coach

Coach: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You wanna talk about excitement, huh? Sam, tell 'em about opening day in New York. You come out of the bullpen on the seventh. The bases are loaded with pinstripes. Bobby Mercer's at the plate.
Sam: He hit a 400ft home run off me, Coach!
Coach: My God, it was the most exciting thing I ever saw!
Carla: Coach, this is Sam's interview. Why would he wanna talk about something bad happening to him?
Coach: You're right, Carla. I don't know what it is. You know, sometimes I just think of the smartest thing to say, and then it comes out so stupid.
Carla: That doesn't make any sense.
Coach: Well, you should have heard it before I said it!

Quote from Diane

Dave: What do we have here? Hi. Dave Richards, an old team-mate of Sam's.
Diane: Oh. Diane Chambers. I'm Sam's new waitress.
Dave: Sam have his brand on you yet?
Diane: Hardly.
Dave: Oh, well, then good. It's your lucky day. Not only am I incredibly good-looking, I'm also incredibly rich and incredibly nice.
Sam: And incredibly married!
Diane: Well, I am sorry to hear that.
Dave: You are?
Diane: Yes. I was hoping to reject you based solely on your personality.

Quote from Diane

Sam: OK, what's the problem?
Diane: What makes you think I have a problem?
Sam: Because you've got that "Sam's a chowderhead and wouldn't understand if I drew him a picture" look.
Diane: Oh, I do get that sometimes. Sam, the fact of the matter is that you are an ex-jockstrap-
Sam: Ex-jock. That's ex-jock! How many times do I gotta tell you that?
Diane: Well, what is the origin of the word jock?
Sam: I- From the French. Jacques.

Quote from Coach

Carla: [answers the phone] Cheers. Yeah. Coach, your friend Walt.
Coach: Walt? [takes the phone] Walt, Walt. My God, it's so good to hear from you! Well, I'm so glad the operation's over, Walt. Listen, I didn't tell you beforehand, Walt, but I didn't think your chances going in there were too good. Oh, it's tomorrow? Well, listen, don't worry, Walt, you'll fly right through it. It's a piece of cake.

Quote from Sam

Diane: The point I am laboring to make here is that when I see an old athlete reliving his glory days on TV, I can't help but feel sorry for him, and I don't want to feel sorry for you.
Sam: Wait a minute. Feel sorry for me? Hey, look, I resent that. You don't have to feel sorry for me. You know who you should feel sorry for? I'll tell you who you should feel sorry for. You should feel sorry for the Flintstones!
Diane: I beg your pardon?
Sam: Well, yeah, they're opposite the six o'clock news, and when people find out that Mayday Malone is on, Bedrock is gonna be a very lonely little town!

Quote from Coach

Harry: Coach, how about a beer?
Coach: Forget it, Harry. Now, Sam says I can't serve you. You're a flimflam.
Harry: No, it ain't for me, I'm expecting a friend.
Coach: A friend?
Harry: Yeah. He asked me to order it for him. He did. He did. In fact, he wrote it down. "One beer."
Coach: Now, wait, wait, wait. Wait one minute, Harry. One minute, Harry. Let me see that. Yeah, "one beer." Just had to make sure.
Harry: Okay.
Coach: That'll be one buck.
Harry: One buck. Let's see... Uh, I thought I had a dollar. Oh, I got a ten. You got change?
Coach: Absolutely. [gets change] Here you go.
Harry: Oh, I have a buck after all. I don't need the change. Why don't you give me my ten back.
Coach: Right. Oh... Right. Here you go.
Harry: No, Coach, I don't want to carry all these bills. Listen, give me a 20 for the whole thing. You got it.
Sam: Nobody move! Oh, come on, Coach, don't you see he's short-changing you?
Coach: Oh, no, no, Sam. He's outsmarted me before, but not this time. No way.
Sam: Coach, how much are you giving him?
Coach: 20 bucks.
Sam: How much is he giving you?
Coach: Oh... Darn you, Harry!

Quote from Norm

Sam: You're a little late, Norm. How come?
Norm: Vera dragged me down to the mortuary to arrange our funeral.
Sam: Ah, you thinking of dying, Norm?
Norm: No date circled yet, but you know Vera, she likes to plan ahead. Yeah, we're gonna get cremated.
Coach: No, kidding. What are you gonna do with the ashes?
Norm: Well, I wanted to throw them in her mother's face, but I think we're gonna have them scattered over the Adirondacks.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Hello, everyone!
Coach: Hi, Diane!
Diane: Sorry I'm late, but you'll be delighted when you hear why.
Carla: We were just delighted that you were late!
Diane: I had the most fabulous after-class discussion with my art history professor. I now feel unequivocally I have a full grasp of Impressionism.
Carla: Yeah?
Diane: Yeah.
Carla: Do Kirk Douglas!

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, those "Where are they now?" interviews on TV...
Sam: Yeah?
Diane: ...are depressing. You know, any time you put a "former" in front of someone's name, even the most attractive, bright, successful guy...
Sam: Excuse me. Excuse me. Attractive?
Diane: Yeah. Even then...
Sam: I didn't know you thought I was attractive.
Diane: Well, you know, when the light strikes you in a certain way, and your hair's combed just right, and I'm standing back a ways, you're... you're sometimes somewhat unrepugnant.
Sam: Yeah, that's what women call me. Tall, dark and unrepugnant!

Quote from Carla

Carla: Dave, this is a really good idea.
Dave: Yeah, it's pretty good, isn't it?
Carla: About time you got around to Mayday.
Dave: Well, actually, I'm really kind of excited that he agreed to do the interview. You know, John McEnroe cancelled out on me.
Carla: So Sam was your second choice?
Dave: No. Gerry Cheever's out of town with his horses.
Carla: Third?
Dave: ML Carr has laryngitis.
Carla: Fourth?
Dave: Jim Rice is out of town, and, uh, Robert Parish was last week. And Becky Bannerman, the junior high school gymnast, is on a field trip.
Carla: But Sam was the first retired guy you thought of?
Dave: No. Well...
Carla: [grabs Dave's tie] I said, Sam was the first retired guy you thought of!
Dave: The very first.
Carla: He's honored.

Quote from Norm

Norm: The Celtics got going pretty good, eh?
Harry: I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. I'm practicing my floating coin trick.
Norm: Pardon me?
Harry: Just a little something I do.
Norm: So it's a rigged-up coin, huh?
Harry: No, it's just a half-dollar. Look.
Norm: It's a trick or something, right? Strings, wires and stuff like that?
Harry: No wires, no strings. I just take the coin. I hold it in the air, about like that, and then I let go of it real careful, and it just stays there, it floats. It hangs there.
Norm: What am l, a goof? There's no way you can make a coin hang in the air! No way.
Harry: You got five bucks if I can't do it?
Norm: Ten! Ten bucks.
Harry: Wait. Wait. Am I being hustled here? You are gonna give me ten bucks if I cannot do it?
Norm: You're onsville, pal! Come on.
Harry: [drops coin] I couldn't do it!
Norm: No, you couldn't! [laughs]
Harry: I don't know what happened there?
Norm: I'll tell you what happened. You just got stuck with ten bucks. Coach! Coach! Who is this clown?
Coach: Which clown? Harry, please!
Sam: Harry.
Harry: Sam, I'm going. I was just playing. But whoever owns a Honda, thanks for the lift!

Quote from Sam

Sam: Dave, listen. I'd like to do this, if you don't mind.
Dave: Yeah.
Sam: Of course we can talk about whatever my greatest thrill in sport, then I wanna... I wanna talk about my triumph over alcoholism.
Dave: Good. Very good.
Sam: Yeah, it could be powerful. Very powerful. Yeah, then we could talk about Cheers, what I'm doing now. And, if we have any time left over, we could talk about what I'd do about the crisis in the Mideast. [chuckles]
Dave: Yeah. The Cubs got that by three and a half games, don't they?
Diane: Should be a stimulating evening!

Quote from Carla

Sam: I'm gonna be in back, cleaning up.
Carla: That's our job, Sam.
Sam: [o.s.] It's my bar, Carla!
Diane: Listen, Carla, will you watch my customers while I'm gone, please?
Carla: Sure. I'll go over, act geeky, give 'em the wrong drinks. They'll never know you're gone.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, this could be a crucial moment in your life. It is vitally important that you handle your emotions properly. The worst thing that anyone in a situation like this could do right now is to repress his feelings.
Sam: Diane, get out, please.
Diane: You need to lash out. To release yourself. Scream.
Sam: Get out!
Diane: Wonderful! All right, now, we need now to move away from brute, gut release of emotions into the more cerebral. Tell me in one sentence what you perceive to be your problem right now.
Sam: You won't leave.

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