Norm: [enters] Afternoon.
Sam: Hey, Norm!
Coach: Norm!
Norm: Gimme a beer, will you?
Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm: Like I just ran over its dog.

Coach: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You wanna talk about excitement, huh? Sam, tell 'em about opening day in New York. You come out of the bullpen on the seventh. The bases are loaded with pinstripes. Bobby Mercer's at the plate.
Sam: He hit a 400ft home run off me, Coach!
Coach: My God, it was the most exciting thing I ever saw!
Carla: Coach, this is Sam's interview. Why would he wanna talk about something bad happening to him?
Coach: You're right, Carla. I don't know what it is. You know, sometimes I just think of the smartest thing to say, and then it comes out so stupid.
Carla: That doesn't make any sense.
Coach: Well, you should have heard it before I said it!

Dave: What do we have here? Hi. Dave Richards, an old team-mate of Sam's.
Diane: Oh. Diane Chambers. I'm Sam's new waitress.
Dave: Sam have his brand on you yet?
Diane: Hardly.
Dave: Oh, well, then good. It's your lucky day. Not only am I incredibly good-looking, I'm also incredibly rich and incredibly nice.
Sam: And incredibly married!
Diane: Well, I am sorry to hear that.
Dave: You are?
Diane: Yes. I was hoping to reject you based solely on your personality.

Diane: The point I am laboring to make here is that when I see an old athlete reliving his glory days on TV, I can't help but feel sorry for him, and I don't want to feel sorry for you.
Sam: Wait a minute. Feel sorry for me? Hey, look, I resent that. You don't have to feel sorry for me. You know who you should feel sorry for? I'll tell you who you should feel sorry for. You should feel sorry for the Flintstones!
Diane: I beg your pardon?
Sam: Well, yeah, they're opposite the six o'clock news, and when people find out that Mayday Malone is on, Bedrock is gonna be a very lonely little town!

Diane: Hello, everyone!
Coach: Hi, Diane!
Diane: Sorry I'm late, but you'll be delighted when you hear why.
Carla: We were just delighted that you were late!
Diane: I had the most fabulous after-class discussion with my art history professor. I now feel unequivocally I have a full grasp of Impressionism.
Carla: Yeah?
Diane: Yeah.
Carla: Do Kirk Douglas!

Diane: Sam, those "Where are they now?" interviews on TV...
Sam: Yeah?
Diane: ...are depressing. You know, any time you put a "former" in front of someone's name, even the most attractive, bright, successful guy...
Sam: Excuse me. Excuse me. Attractive?
Diane: Yeah. Even then...
Sam: I didn't know you thought I was attractive.
Diane: Well, you know, when the light strikes you in a certain way, and your hair's combed just right, and I'm standing back a ways, you're... you're sometimes somewhat unrepugnant.
Sam: Yeah, that's what women call me. Tall, dark and unrepugnant!

Sam: Look, what happened to me today put a period at the end of my career. The last thing I need is a cheerleader right now.
Diane: Well, that's what you need the most! Hey, you know, I was looking at you at that interview today. No, I didn't see a washed-up ex-former has-been. No, I saw a guy who has a great deal to look back on with pride. And a great deal to look forward to with hope.
Sam: Yeah?
Diane: Of course, it didn't hurt that you were standing next to a Cro-Magnon. Sam, here's the point. You know, you have to put the past behind you. You have to turn and face the future. You have to open your eyes, see what's right in front of you. You're young, you're alive. Feel that in your whole body. Appreciate what you've got. Live for today. Go for it, Sam! I tell you, go for it!
[As Sam embraces Diane and kisses her, she wrestles him away and flips him onto the pool table]
Diane: Are you OK?
Sam: Yeah... Yeah I'm fine. Oh, hey, look. One of my lights is out!
Diane: It's a reflex, Sam. You know, I learned in a class. Practical Feminism.
Sam: Oh. Whoo. What was your final? Crippling a Buick?
Diane: Look, I'm sorry I had to do that, but I came in here with very honorable intentions of trying to help you out.
Sam: No, I'm sorry, you're right. Thank you. I really appreciate you coming in here. It's the high point of my day.

Sam: OK, what's the problem?
Diane: What makes you think I have a problem?
Sam: Because you've got that "Sam's a chowderhead and wouldn't understand if I drew him a picture" look.
Diane: Oh, I do get that sometimes. Sam, the fact of the matter is that you are an ex-jockstrap-
Sam: Ex-jock. That's ex-jock! How many times do I gotta tell you that?
Diane: Well, what is the origin of the word jock?
Sam: I- From the French. Jacques.

Sam: Dave, listen. I'd like to do this, if you don't mind.
Dave: Yeah.
Sam: Of course we can talk about whatever my greatest thrill in sport, then I wanna... I wanna talk about my triumph over alcoholism.
Dave: Good. Very good.
Sam: Yeah, it could be powerful. Very powerful. Yeah, then we could talk about Cheers, what I'm doing now. And, if we have any time left over, we could talk about what I'd do about the crisis in the Mideast. [chuckles]
Dave: Yeah. The Cubs got that by three and a half games, don't they?
Diane: Should be a stimulating evening!

Carla: [answers the phone] Cheers. Yeah. Coach, your friend Walt.
Coach: Walt? [takes the phone] Walt, Walt. My God, it's so good to hear from you! Well, I'm so glad the operation's over, Walt. Listen, I didn't tell you beforehand, Walt, but I didn't think your chances going in there were too good. Oh, it's tomorrow? Well, listen, don't worry, Walt, you'll fly right through it. It's a piece of cake.