Jay: [to Joey] You didn't make enough noise last night? With all his crying, I didn't sleep four hours.
Gloria: I didn't close my eyes. It was like being back in my village, watching for the marauders.
Jay: I don't know what's more shocking - you standing watch, or knowing the word "marauders."
Manny: Please tell me I didn't sob all night just 'cause I lost my baby blanket.
Gloria: Shh! Don't remind him. He's happy now. And besides, you didn't even have a blanket. We were basically destitute.
Jay: What, did you get hit by lightning?

Phil: Hey, you know what? I could do some of that kid stuff tomorrow.
Claire: You've got that open house.
Phil: Honey, I've been juggling work and family for 22 years and just juggling for 30.

Phil: [aside to camera] Until now, when I'd screw up on the home front, I could always blame work, but with Claire running a company and being a better mom than ever, I could feel the kids downgrading their whole opinion of me. I went from an "A" dad to an "F" dad. Fail Dunphy. Phil Dun-fail. Failip Hum-fail Dun- No, I had it before.