Fred: No, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I will be the new boss of... [looks back to glance at lobby directory] Vance Refrigeration.
[also to camera:]
Merv: Honestly, I think I- I sabotaged myself. It's like I'm afraid of being happy. Case in point, I was supposed to start another job today.
[also to camera:]
Robert: [chuckles] I will get offered the job. That's a call I've received many times. The slight hopefulness in their voice, the pregnant pause while they wait to hear my response, and then... my response.

Robert: Take a look at where you are. Where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at its birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why?
Phyllis: Wait. They're terrified?
Robert: Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want, I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I don't know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them, "You are welcome." [Applause] Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it.
Andy: You got it.
Robert: Double.
Andy: Done.
Robert: I'm not kidding.
Andy: Neither am I. It's already done. [chuckling] I'm just kidding, it's going to take some time.
Robert: Double.

Nellie: The most important thing to remember is not to stress about this. Stress just makes it worse, and then you stress more. And that's a vicious spiral.
[aside to camera:]
Robert: I almost didn't come in today. [laughs]

Darryl: Looking good, RC!
Robert: Ugh, I hate ties! I feel like I'm being strangled like I'm at some erotic asphyxiation sex club over on I-84. The Red Room, say? Or Dominick's?

Robert: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips completely naked, then jumps in the pool. Gabe and Ryan follow]
All: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!
Jim: And there's my talking point.

Robert: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.
Jim: Yes.
Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim: Oh, god, nature, please.
Robert: When two animals are having sex, one of them is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua- This isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
Jim: Was that not the-
Robert: All life is sex. And all sex is competition.
Jim: Mmm-hm.
Robert: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?
Jim: Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.

[After Robert vomits in the trash can by Jim's desk]
Jim: Robert?
Oscar: Why did Binghamton close?
Robert: Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – how should I say this – Colombian whites. What- What is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin: The branch closed. Forever.
[aside to camera:]
Robert: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas, as they say. I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now.

Robert: Now then, how are we today?
Kelly: Fine.
Toby: Great.
Robert: Just fine, Kelly? Everything alright?
Kelly: Mmm-hm.
Robert: You feeling fulfilled in your life?
Kelly: I guess.
Robert: You guess? So, there is something you want that... you do not have.
Kelly: I try not to think about it.
Robert: Because it's too terrifying to imagine? Now we're cooking. What is it, Kelly? What is this great fear of yours?
Kelly: Never marrying.
Robert: Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary. And how are you, Toby?
Toby: So great.

Andy: What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.
Robert: Why didn't you simply ask Andy to clarify? Asking is a very easy thing to do. You're obviously very close. [Andy and Erin look awkwardly at each other and Robert]. Oh, I see. This no longer seems like my business [Robert sits down]
Erin: Um. All I know is you wanted to have a talk with me at the end of the day and I got nervous so...
Robert: You were going to talk at the end of the... I'm not here.
Andy: Did you think I was going to fire you? No, I wasn't. [to Robert] I'm sorry this must be really uncomfortable for you.
Robert: I'm never uncomfortable.

Andy: Ok. Erin, I think you know I've been dating someone.
Erin: Sure.
Andy: And it's getting a little more serious. She's never come by.
Erin: And she's never called here. Unless it's your mom.
Andy: No, I didn't want her to call because I thought it would be weird. But now it's weird that she's not calling.
Erin: Two dates? Three dates?
Andy: Thirty-one.
Erin: Wow. I'm so happy for you guys. Um, let me know when you get to forty. I'll see you guys.
Robert: I should go.