Robert: Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Robert: Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen. [drinks coconut penis energy drink] Why'd they add coconut? I miss original.

Andy: Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk.
Robert: Great. Thank you.
Andy: And it was open. And people saw this. And they're just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.
Robert: What is this?
Andy: It's a photocopy from your notebook.
Robert: You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.
Andy: [laughing] No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.
Robert: Ah, please. [Andy sits down] Here's what it is. It's a doodle.
Andy: What?
Robert: Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don't you think? Well, I doodle too, but I'm not an artist. So I draw words and lists.
Andy: That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?
Robert: Might as well have been sketching a cube.

Robert: Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?
Jim: Uh, the street?
Robert: Sesame Street.
Jim: Oh, I didn't know anybody called it- She likes it a lot. She, uh, loves Elmo.
Robert: God save us, it's the Elmo era.
Jim: Right.
Robert: Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree.
Jim: Yeah, she does like Elmo.

Robert: Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him. There's something about an underdog that really inspires... the unexceptional.

Robert: Are you sure?
Ryan: Yeah, I'm too hot anyway.
Robert: My body has somehow become acclimated to southern Italy. Isn't that strange? [laughing] I've never been there! [Gabe puts his jacket on Robert too] Oh, ah, yes, that's nice. Thank you.

Robert: Not much we can do about this until he gets here.
Jim: Can't you do something about this?
Robert: Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.
Jim: ... Right.

Robert: Pam!
Pam: Oh.
Robert: Is this a video conference you're having with "Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz"?
Pam: Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day.
Robert: People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being-

Robert: Hello.
Erin: Robert California. Let's have a conversation.
Robert: Describe your day so far.
Erin: Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze-
Robert: Erin, when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It's a waste of your time. That's how every day's begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man.

Andy: Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here.
Robert: A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day.

Andy: This party'll cheer you right up.
Robert: I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop...