Andy: Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do.
Kevin: Thank.
Andy: Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we're talking about is... basically the speech equivalent to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use... but need need for talk talk.
Kevin: But save time. More success.

Robert: Kevin, you've been quiet. I'm curious to know what your game-changer is.
Kevin: Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that 'cause they think A-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go. So...
Robert: Cookies. Cookie placement.
Kevin: Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a 'for instance.'
Robert: Who else agrees with Kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? [slowly everyone raises their hand; Robert laughs] There you go. Consensus.

Darryl: Would you like to buy some cookies?
Kevin: Cookies, eh?
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: [rapping] Oh, the springtime thinks that it's the best. And fall time thinks that it's the best. Cold time has, kind of a strut. And Valentine's thinks that it's the best. But gather round, peeps, I'll tell you the truth. Nothing beats the cookie season, that's the truth.

Robert: Great work, team. Great party.
Kevin: You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth?

Kevin: My dog Ruby doesn't do anything. She just lays there all day. She's so chill.
Pam: What do you feed her?
Kevin: Well I put out Pro Bow-Wow, but she barely touches it. She's so dainty.
Darryl: Is she sick? How are her poops?
Kevin: Doesn't really poop. It's perfect, nothing to pick up. She just kind of lies there all day like a good girl. I put on the TV for her, but I have to prop her eyes open so she can see it.
Pam: Does she smell?
Kevin: She smells horrible. It's unbelievable. But I don't want to put her in the bath, because I'm afraid that she'll drown.
[back home:]
Kevin: People seem awful interested in you, Ruby. Guess they're just jealous, right! [dog licks Kevin's face.] Yeah, that a girl. That a girl. Man that stinks.

Toby: I would love to give, uh-
Kevin: Heifer's International. Listen to this. They give a poor person like, a goat or something. It's a great prank.

Angela: The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out.
Oscar: That's a tough one.
Angela: That man he's up against is so dirty. And the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can.
Kevin: Please, stop.
Angela: What?
Kevin: Please, stop.
Angela: Anyways, last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in. [Kevin laughs]
Kevin: [getting up to leave] I can't, it's too much! [laughing]
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: I'm in big trouble.
[also to camera:]
Kevin: Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble.

Nellie: Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?
Kevin: Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?

Oscar: Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark.
Pam: Oh my god!
[After they watch the Danish promo:]
Kevin: What was that word they said when they showed me "Skrald mand"? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy?
Oscar: Dumpster Man.
Kevin: Cool. Superhero.

Kevin: Could Andy make it as an entertainer? I don't know. You know who's really funny? This bird, in the park, that can't fly right. I'd pay to see him. But I don't have to 'cause the park is free!