Andy: [laughing] Check this out. My brother just got a new sailboat. He has no idea what he just got himself into. There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat, am I right?
[aside to camera:]
Angela & Pam: Unbelievable!
Oscar: Un-be-liev-a-ble.

Oscar: No. I'm certainly not disappointed that Angela's husband wasn't hitting on me. I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster.

Oscar: [to webcam] Hello. My name's Oscar. I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I'm gay. And I'm here to tell you that yes, it does get better. When I was younger, um-
Phyllis: What- What's he doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: He's searching out younger gays.
Phyllis: Oh.
Oscar: No, it's just a way to tell young people, no matter how hard it gets for them, there's a brighter future ahead.
Dwight K. Schrute: ...with you. [chuckles]
Oscar: [to webcam] No matter how hard it gets for you, eh- Kelly, seriously, I-
Kelly: Just keep chatting. I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam.
Oscar: Do you not own a mirror?
Kelly: Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies.
Pam: I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things.
Kelly: I'm throwing out all my mirrors.
Oscar: [to webcam] Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job at a dynamic workplace. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple-
Robert: No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by and have the gay youth of America misled by some reductionist-
Oscar: It's not misleading.
Robert: -pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity as "normal." It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated.
Kevin: Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you. [Robert backs into Kevin's nose] Ooh! [whimpers]
Robert: Ow! Damn it, Kevin! God!
Dwight K. Schrute: You okay, Robert?
Robert: Fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Put some ice on it.
Oscar: In any case, it gets better. [Kevin cries] Maybe- Maybe not much better... but better.

Oscar: [to camera crew] Can you guys come with me for a minute?
[later:]
Oscar: I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity and discretion. [turns to see Kevin, who looks shocked and drops his ice cream] Why?

Oscar: Good morning. [clears throat]
Angela: Oscar? [sighs] Can I ask you a question?
Oscar: [soflty] Of course, ask me a que- questions.
Angela: Is it cool in here to you?
Oscar: [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes.
Angela: I think the thermostat is acting up again.
Oscar: It's the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I'm gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I'll just go downstairs.
Angela: Thank you.
Oscar: No, thank you, Angela.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: She doesn't know. I shouldn't be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. [Angela appears in the window behind Oscar, giving him evils, while holding a long pair of scissors] Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.

Pam: We are the party planning committee, and we did not get where we are by playing it safe. We got here by being risk takers. And, yeah, Dwight's party is gonna be terrible. Maybe. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's going to be great. And if it's great... I think we all know what that would mean to us.
Phyllis: Let's do it!
Pam: Yes! Phyllis!
Angela: No. I don't want my name attached to this party.
Pam: What does that even mean? Where would your name appear?
Angela: Please just take my name off of everything.
Oscar: Just take her name off of everything.

Oscar: I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith.

Angela: I don't want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something.
Stanley: I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn't work then. And now look what he's doing to us.
Nellie: Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault.
Jim: How is it my fault?
Nellie: Here's an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others.
Jim: But it's Dwight who's bringing in all the weirdos.
Oscar: Yeah, but Jim, Dwight's a weirdo. We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.

Oscar: [quietly] Angela. You're going to find out, so I thought I'd let you know that, uh, Robert invited me too.
Angela: What?
Oscar: He said he wanted me there for support.
Angela: I'm his! His... wife.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: Angela's husband and I are in love. But, as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs. He is risking everything to have me there today. [laughs] Me.

Oscar: One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population.
Party Guest: You two seem very close.
Senator: Yes. We're good friends. Good friends.
Oscar: Yeah.
Senator: You know, I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers. For a long time, our party has turned its back on the Hispanic people. Well, that is not who I am. [puts arms around Oscar] I am a friend of the Latino community. And if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego. [guests laugh] Now, does my embrace of Hispanics make me more electable, given demographic trends? I don't know. And I don't care. What I care about is Oscar. [slaps Oscar's cheek] My friend. Mi amigo. Oscar. [guests applaud as he hugs Oscar]
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend. But, he could of invited any number of Hispanics that he knows. His gardener, Rogelio. Or he could've invited... Rogelio. But, he chose me. Rogelio's Malaysian... The son of a bitch is Malaysian.