Oscar: I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I I got him this shamrock keychain.

Oscar: See that? The obvious symmetry of the face. It's the natural appeal of the scientific standard of koinophilia, features that are a composite average of many features. Yes, she's attractive, but she is not hot.

Angela: Oscar!
Oscar: Stay alive! I'm getting help!
Angela: Pull me up!
Oscar: You're too heavy!
Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds!

Pam: Oscar, Kevin, this is my sister, Penny. She's also my maid of honor.
Oscar: Pleased to meet you.
Penny: I'm sorry, it's Kevin. I thought it was Gil?
Kevin: She thought I was your boyfriend.
Oscar: You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you?
Pam: Oscar, it was an honest mistake.
Oscar: Him? Him?
Kevin: Oscar, I would be proud to date you.

Oscar: A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that "q" right there.
Erin: Wait. Why?
Oscar: Put the "q" there, sweetie.
Pam: I think there's better...
Oscar: Put the "q" there! [phone plays triumphant sound] Sorry I yelled.
Pam: You could have just told us what you were thinking.
Oscar: There's no theater in that.
Pam: There's no yelling in that, either.
Oscar: Well...