Oscar: I watch way too many ads online and I don't do enough situps. So I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online.

Oscar: [as Dwight prepares to toss dirt in his face] Oh, thank god.
Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me?
Oscar: I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just... have a personal training session...
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. That's not... [tosses red dirt in Oscar's face]
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years? Time is a son of a bitch!

German Minister: Would the family care to say something?
Dwight K. Schrute: You had black hair and then gray hair.
Zeke: You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4", at the end you were 5'1".
[to camera:]
Oscar: They're a descriptive people.

Erin: Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping?
Oscar: Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV!
Erin: Hey.
Angela: Oscar.
Oscar: I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you?

Oscar: Our office has an unusually large number of... unusually large people. So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.

Oscar: No, I don't think that he can make it as an actor. But, he also can't make it as an employee in an office, so why not go nuts with it?

Oscar: Tents? Are you thinking of going camping? I thought you found nature vulgar.
Angela: Well, I've changed my mind.
Oscar: Wait a minute. You're not thinking of living in -
Angela: Oh, God, could you just mind your own business?
Oscar: Okay, I'm just gonna say this. You are not going to live in a tent.
Angela: Oh, God.
Oscar: Come stay with me.
Angela: You don't want me at your place.
Oscar: I do. Yes. Not forever. But until you get back on your feet. Which won't be long. It's the least I could do.
Angela: Well...
Oscar: Separate bathrooms.
Angela: Thank you.
Oscar: You're welcome. Let's go get Philip. Then we'll get your stuff...
Angela: Okay.
Oscar: And get you the hell outta that place.
Angela: Are you allowed to have pets?
Oscar: Oh, Angela.

Oscar: [to Angela] Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services.

Oscar: I am gonna drop Philip off at my mother's, and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour.
Angela: Are you sure you don't want me to drop him off?
Oscar: She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman. I don't want to get her hopes up.

Oscar: They wanted me to go to the bachelorette party with the girls. Really? Such a cliché. I'm a man. So I'm going to the bachelor party with the boys. I just have to remember how I acted before I came out.
[later in the stretch limo:]
Oscar: Wazzup!