Erin: I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt.
Nellie: I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up.

Dwight K. Schrute: Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- [answering phone] This is Dwight Schrute.
Pam: Please hold for Ms. Black.
Nellie: [Darryl plays music on keyboard] And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I'm Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin's senior sales associate Dwight Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: Iris, thank you so much for having me.

Nellie: Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh God. Andy has just started to be nice to me, I just sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man. And I CC'd him on every incriminating memo. "Pete and Erin, don't hold back. Our social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously." I did everything but unzip their pants for them. Oh, God, Nellie.

Nail technician: You take off your glasses.
Clark: 'kay. [removes glasses; nail technician giggles]
Nellie: What?
Nail technician: Your boyfriend, he look like a pretty girl.
Nellie: My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl, doesn't he? Yes, a very little pretty girl. And you know what, now that you are developing, we should go and get you a training bra. [both laugh at Clark]
Clark: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You know what? No more discount. [to manager] Excuse me. [gesturing he and Nellie] Full price. We're not together.
Nellie: Oh, come on!
Clark: She's living a lie.
[aside to camera:]
Nellie: Turns out, I can't even be in a pretend relationship.

Ravi: Hey, has anyone seen Ryan... or Kelly?
Kevin: Ooh! Yes. Uh, They left together a little while ago. Kelly was hoping that you would keep the baby so they can start a new life together.
Ravi: Oh, that's it. Here. [hands Drake to Kevin] Call child services and report an abandoned baby. We'll find a better parent than Ryan in no time.
Kevin: Oh, I don't know.
Nellie: Um, Kevin? Oh, I can help you with that. Yeah. I mean, I can find someone who will... who will love that beautiful little boy the way he deserves.
Kevin: Hey, this is better. [hands Drake to Nellie]
Nellie: Yes. It is. Oh yes it is.
[to camera:]
Nellie: If Ryan wants his baby back, please tell him where to fine me. We'll be somewhere in Europe. [looking at Drake] Won't we?

Nellie: I am in too, Pam.
Pam: Yeah?
Nellie: Yes, of course. I believe in you. I believe in your art. And I am bored.

Dwight K. Schrute: Loyalty.
Nellie: Loyalty is exactly right.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.
Nellie: Yes. I mean, it is everything. Let's all ask ourselves, have we been faithful in our relationships?
Stanley: That's none of your damn business.
Nellie: Darryl is "dating" Dunder Mifflin.
Darryl: Darryl is dating Val. Still.
Nellie: But he's flirting with Jim's company on the side. And we all know what flirting can lead to.

Nellie: We have the Sabre Pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans. You guys, humans... pyramid. Human pyramid. Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise. You'll love it. Who's in? Hmm?
Todd: Yup. Tallahassee, let's go.
Erin: Jim, are you in?
Jim: Oh, I don't know.
Stanley: Sounds like a hoot. I'm in.
Jim: All right, what the heck? Let's do it.
Todd: This is great. This is gonna be great.
Nellie: I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt.

Nellie: Oh, this is a lovely pen. Ah. But, it's mine now because I stole it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Gimme that.
Nellie: Didn't you sign a contract to live under Taliban law? And now, there's been theft. That means, you're not serious or... someone's getting their hand cut off.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're insane.
Nellie: I know. So, it's better that you pick another charity.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, and let your precious Operation Power Grab proceed unchecked? No thank you.
Nellie: In that case, you... [pulls out a cleaver] will have to chop off my hand.

Todd: And he host at his own lame game.
Nellie: Ooh, double meaning! The game was lame, and now he's lame from the kick. Quick wit.