Kelly: Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.

Ryan: Some of you may have noticed that I'm a kind of ill-defined, uh, relationship type of thing.
Michael Scott: Okay, what do you want me to write?
Ryan: Just put Kelly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that still going on?
Kelly: I will claw your tiny nose off.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's on the list.

Kelly: I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing.
Professor Powell: Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise.
Kelly: Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone.
Professor Powell: Uh, why?
Kelly: Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?
Professor Powell: Um, there aren't really ten secrets.
Kelly: Come on Scott, please? It's me.
Professor Powell: Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline.
Kelly: Mm-hmm.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: That brilliant little bitch.

Ryan: Kelly.
Kelly: Hello, Ryan. You look well.
Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry for treating you bad the past couple of years. I was in my mid-twenties, and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never really processed 9/11. Um. I want you to know I've changed.
Kelly: Cool.
Ryan: We should get a drink later, catch up. Pick me up around 8:00?
Kelly: Oh, that is so sweet. But I'm dating Darryl still, and we're, like, crazy in love, so...
Ryan: Um. Cool. Um. Well, maybe I'll see you around.
Kelly: It's a small office.

Angela: I'm very sensitive about my petite figure.
Kelly: Oh, God.
Angela: I am. I'm afraid of being thrown around like a football.
Kelly: Well, you know, Nicole Richie might think you're fat. Does that make you feel better?

Kelly: I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you.

Michael Scott: Everyone, may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you to Mr. Danny Cordray. He is going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman. Say hello to Danny!
Kelly: [bleep] me!
Michael Scott: Okay. You know what? No. No. This is not some sort of construction site...or all of Italy, where you can just go around treating people like meat. We are to respect him. I respect him because he reminds me of somebody. Can anybody guess who that is?
Kelly: Josh Duhamel.

Jim: Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Are you moving back here?
Jim: Just for the day, while Michael's at my desk.
Kelly: Because Toby used to sit there, but then he had to move over there because of an allergy.
Jim: Allergy to the desk?
Kelly: Weird.

Kelly: Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together. But don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows?

Kelly: What about "second base"? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you, does that mean you, like, closed a deal?
Jan: Excuse me?
Kelly: I mean, that's a baseball term, right?
Jan: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.