Dwight K. Schrute: Get in.
Jim: Are you serious?
Dwight K. Schrute: Get in!
Jim: Okay, what are you-
Dwight K. Schrute: Ssh. [starts playing "Centerfold" by The J. Geils Band] They might be listening to us. They might be listening to us!
Jim: Who's "they"?
Dwight K. Schrute: Customer service might be monitoring this conversation.
Jim: In this car?
Dwight K. Schrute: You never know, better safe than sorry.
Jim: What are you thinking here?
Dwight K. Schrute: Who stands to benefit from our downfall?
Jim: The mob? Maybe NASA.
Dwight K. Schrute: Could be the mob. But then Dunder Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there's little evidence of that.
Jim: Is there some evidence?

Dwight K. Schrute: Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!
Pam: Dwight, get away!
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Dwight, let Jim do that, please.
Erin: I didn't know we had a tape measure.
Dwight K. Schrute: [holding up a tape measure labeled with "D.K.S."] We don't.

Policeman: Pull over!
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you kidding me?
Policeman: Pull over! [Dwight begins throwing his various weapons out of the window] You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Don't make this difficult, Dwight!

Dwight K. Schrute: I already picked my team: Darryl, Oscar, Angela, Phyllis and Toby and that is the team that I am taking. What's that? It's not up to me? I only have influence? Well, that's all Baltzer Glattfielder had and now no one eats owls for Thanksgiving.

Pam: If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, man, am I a woman?

Pam: Okay. Well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like, what it means instead of what it is.
Dwight K. Schrute: You mean, like a ham?
Pam: No, not like a ham. It's about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her, that you remember her.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I get it. That's great. Okay, shut up. I know exactly what to do.

Dwight K. Schrute: Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carole, Jan's been bitching out on him. Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper, it's your funeral. See how that works out for you.

Andy: 20 seconds to go time.
Dwight K. Schrute: Got it. Carb up.
Jim: Really? Power gel?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, you wanna win, you gotta fuel like a winner.

Eric: So, um, the manager, Michael Scott is a bit of a character.
Dwight K. Schrute: He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait, what was the question?
Toby: What are, are you doing at my desk?
Dwight K. Schrute: Ignore him. He's the local lunatic.
Toby: Come on, Dwight. Get out of here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats but the one I'm currently wearing is that of gracious host.