Jim: [answering phone] Oh, it's the girls. Hey Pam. What? Angela's been kidnapped! Phyllis left the door open and some freak came and grabbed her and fled.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good old, Mose. [laughing]
Jim: They think it was Mose.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, great. He's getting into the spirit of the festivities. Fantastic. He just pulled off a Braut Entfuhrung.
Oscar: What is that?
Dwight K. Schrute: A ceremonial bridal kidnapping. He will take the bride and hide her at a local pub and when I find the place, I have to buy everyone drinks. Ah, all right! Oh, Mose.
Jim: Wait a minute. You said the tradition is for the groom is search for her and it ends at a pub. So how about the last pub you'd ever set foot in in this town?
Dwight K. Schrute: Right. Which one is that?
Jim: Mm, hey driver. Why don't you take us to 3030 Adams?

Dwight K. Schrute: It was nothing personal. It's just that you were terrible at your job.
Kevin: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Dwight K. Schrute: No really. You were terrible at math and organization, time management, personal hygiene. Your internet searches were so filthy we had to throw our your computer.
Kevin: Is that all it was?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's it.
Kevin: Come here. [hugs Dwight]
Dwight K. Schrute: I missed you, Kevin.
Kevin: I missed you!
Dwight K. Schrute: Ohh.

Minister: As it is traditional to the Schrutes, the lovers are standing in their own graves as a reminder that this is the only escape from what they are about to do.
Nellie: [to Joan] See, I get what they are trying to do, but why are the graves so shallow?

Kevin: "Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is passed. The rain is over and gone. The time of singing has come and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. Let me see your face. Let me hear your voice for your voice is sweet and your face is comely."
Minister: I now pronounce you man and wife. [all cheer] Release the doves!
[The doves do not move right away, so Nate starts shooing them]
Kelly: Oh.
Kevin: That's not-
Dwight K. Schrute: Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming. Now, please take your hay bales to the reception. They'll be used for seating. Complimentary hay hooks are placed alone the aisles. Just stab ‘em on in there.

Andy: Okay. That's it! Class is canceled. Everybody out!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, wait, what are you doing?
Andy: I'm punishing them.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no, no. Class is not canceled.
Pam: Hey! Come on! Let's listen to Dwight's presentation.
[Dwight winks at Pam]
Oscar: What- What are you winking for?
Dwight K. Schrute: Zip your lid!

Customer: [on the phone] So I'd like to re-double my order. If you could put me down for-
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait. Shut up.
Customer: I'm sorry?
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you hear that?
Customer: Hear what?
Dwight K. Schrute: Breathing. Is that you?
Customer: Well, I am breathing, yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, stop. Hold your breath. I still hear it. Who's there? Kelly, is that you? Hold on.
Customer: I need paper.

[Dwight is wearing the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt]
Michael Scott: What are you wearing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What? It's a casual, social outfit.
Michael Scott: Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. They're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of the howling during sex.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: [howls]
Michael Scott: That's not appropriate.
Dwight K. Schrute: [howls]
Michael Scott: Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl]

Angela: [seeing Dwight naked] Ugh!
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on in, the water's fine.
Angela: Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know. That's not why I'm naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks]
Angela: Just put them on! Put on your clothes.

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, let me float something out there. Okay? Can I just- Can I say something? There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe and put that in his bathroom.
David: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option is to make Michael an offer.
Charles: Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out.
Jim: Ah. But you didn't.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure.
Charles: What is wrong with you?

Dwight K. Schrute: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?
Toby: That is- That is a loaded question.
Angela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.
Toby: He said that?
Angela: Well, he didn't fight me hard on it.
Toby: I- I don't know if there's truth to- To, uh, to that.
Angela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?
Toby: Uh... Uh...
Angela: Is it called red-vining?
Dwight K. Schrute: Is it called red-vining?
Toby: I don't...
Dwight K. Schrute: We heard it was called red-vining.
Angela: People red vine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where are gay mens' vaginas?
Toby: They- They don't have vaginas.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Toby: No. They're just regular men.
Dwight K. Schrute: When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?
Toby: Uh... Wow!