Dwight K. Schrute: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed 20 men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Michael Scott: All right, Dwight Schrute, everyone. Good luck, that is a tough crowd.
Dwight K. Schrute: [breathing heavily, clearing throat, pounding the podium with his fists] Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? [pounds podium] Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment, as a child, when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle, [pounds] a never-ending fight! I say to you, [pounds] and you will understand, that it is a privilege to fight! [applause] We are warriors! Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you [pounds], once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! [laughs] Yeah! Yeah!

Dwight K. Schrute: ID badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Dwight K. Schrute: The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.

Dwight K. Schrute: I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager.

Andy: What happened to old salty?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nellie let me bobble-ize him. His name is now Captain Mutato.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man and make love as a mermaid. Most of my writing involves the latter.

Dwight K. Schrute: Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.
Phyllis: We already said no.
Angela: No, no, no.
Nellie: Too weird.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.

Angela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.
Pam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just lice, Pam?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.

Dwight K. Schrute: When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out.

Dwight K. Schrute: We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.