Pam: Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
Nellie: [laughs] Yeah! It's almost unbelievable!
Pam: What?
Nellie: Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately.
Pam: Sure.
Nellie: Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!
Pam: So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
Nellie: Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer.

Magician: Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you're my volunteer. Come on over here, huh?
Jim: Oh, I'll do it. I will volunteer.
Robert: No, Nellie, she-
Jim: I'll do it.
Magician: Oh! Big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for... birds. [chuckles] All right, let's uh- Let's do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is... I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is.
Jim: [picks a card] It's the four of hearts.
Robert: Oh, no, you-
Magician: Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffled the deck? [Jim drops the cards] You didn't just do that on purpose, did ya?
Robert: [to Dwight] Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?
Magician: Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory.
Jim: Not true. 'Cause that's not a real place.
Magician: But I never could seem to figure out those knots.
Pam: That's not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears.
Magician: [yells] What the hell? All right, where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here-
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay scram, wizard.
Magician: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: You heard me!
Magician: Huh!
Robert: Well, Nellie, I'm sorry. If I'd known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician-
Nellie: Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees, in their own way. Don't you see what I see?

Pam: Nellie, why don't you tell Dwight what we were doing earlier today. And Dwight, you show us that you're listening.
Nellie: Well, we were in the warehouse, where we were discussing a mural that I've commissioned Pam to paint there. We were talking about the color schemes and the major themes we want to hit. Children of the world, coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. But not in a child labor-y way.
Erin: It's just up and down, just a regular nod, like a person.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am a person.
Erin: Yes.
Nellie: And then we thought we'd- I can't. I just can't carry on with that face. Look at it. I'm gonna get nightmares with that face. I mean he looks like he's laboring over a stool having just eaten human flesh.

Nellie: Hey. Day two. Drama in the warehouse skies. This is Robert from Weyer-Hammer Paper, who will be joining us to judge the final rounds.
Robert: Who's pumped for the quarter finals, huh?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm pumped!
Erin: Clark's a dead man.
Robert: Alright. Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this. [holds up a large check for $2,000]
Angela: Oh my god!
Group: Whoa.
Angela: Nellie you didn't tell us we could win money.
Nellie: Oh, yes I did, I told you all. It was.. Um, cause that's an awful lot of money for me to forget.
Stanley: Not one of us remembers you saying anything about two thousand dollars.
[aside to camera:]
Nellie: I forgot. I completely forgot. But at least now that large piece of cardboard that man was carrying around makes sense.

Angela: I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk.
Stanley: Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea.
[in the warehouse:]
Oscar: Okay, everyone, turn off your mikes.
Angela: We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape?
Erin: I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that?
Nellie: My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more I thought I'd get more screen time as a villain.

Nellie: Everyone, we have a very special guest. He turned an idea into a store, into hundreds of stores. I give you Wally Amos, founder of Famous Amos Cookies. [cheers, claps]
Wally Amos: Aloha, aloha, aloha. So I hear you're all looking to bake up some dough in the sales game. Well, back when I was regular Amos-
Stanley: What's under the cloth?
Wally Amos: We'll get to that.
Todd: Cookies. Bet you anything it's cookies.
Wally Amos: It's cookies. Let me- let me finish my speech first.
Nellie: Ah, we get the gist. It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just, don't be coy, make with the cookies!

Nellie: Dwight, I am still not ready to name a VP.
Dwight K. Schrute: [laughing] That's not what I was going to ask. Gosh, jump to conclusions. Come on, I know, you've got so much on your plate. Right now, you're like "Oh, what's more important? Dwight's question, figure out who's the VP?" Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP.
Nellie: I can't be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more.

Nellie: I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen. Do you understand? I wanna get goose pimples.

Robert: Nellie.
Nellie: Robert.
Robert: How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?
Nellie: So far, so good.
Robert: Good.
Nellie: The water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.
Robert: Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?

Nellie: I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. What I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way.
Kevin: Hot tub party?
Nellie: Performance reviews.
Pam: How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?
Nellie: On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me.