Michael Scott: And I'd like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? [A student hands Michael his text book] Thank you. What have we here? Ooh, economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of the textbook] You cannot learn from books. [still ripping] Replace these pages with life lessons, and then you will have a book that is worth its weight in gold. I know, those are expensive, but the lesson is priceless. Good. All right, I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business, tourism, food service, railroads and sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

Michael Scott: Jim Halpert. Pros: Smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: Not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour.

Michael Scott: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes, I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. No, don't sue me. That's the opposite of the point that I am trying to make.

Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth. But kids are very wary of being lured these days. Thank you, Dateline.

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, come on. It's not real, Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.
Michael Scott: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley!

Michael Scott: [addressing Creed, Gabe and Meredith] Whether you're scared of dying or dying alone or dying drunk in a ditch, don't be. It's going to be okay.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Yeah, I was tripling up. There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.

Michael Scott: Well, got almost everybody, so... Holly's my family now. She's my family. And the babies that I make with her will be my children. The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends. They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office, but I will. Got to be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?

Michael Scott: Decisiveness. One of the keys to success, according to Small Businessman. [to camera:] I do. I read Small Business man. I also, uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine. That's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile, last month, of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating.

Michael Scott: Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the '80s, before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. God! Man, did they move paper.

Michael Scott: I love this place, and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering. Okay. Today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open where it can be resolved. All right. How about the Phyllis-Angela dispute.
Angela: You already did me.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.