Michael Scott: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler. And with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

Michael Scott: How do you un-tell something? You can't. You can't put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that's been said is untrue, including "Stanley is having an affair." It's like the end of Spartacus. I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is, and that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.

Michael Scott: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say, that's crazy. I say, "Let them eat cake." Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.

Michael Scott: To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction. Where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it Crime Aid. It's like Farm Aid. But instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.

Gabe: Michael, you are making this harder than it has to be.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.

Michael Scott: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Mikela: You lied to us.
Michael Scott: I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40. But by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil dreams, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place.

Michael Scott: Detective Michael Scarn! I'm with the FBI!
[to camera:]
Michael Scott: Think about this. What is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That's why I always start with a gun. Because you can't top it. You just can't.

Michael Scott: A boss' salary isn't just about money. It is about perks. It- For example, every year I get a $100 gas card. Can't put a price tag on that.

Michael Scott: I have a very difficult decision to make. It's like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.

Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's a perfect way to start the day. Today, I got up, I stepped onto the grill, and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.