Michael Scott: So did we get any mail?
Pam: Yeah, I gave it to you.
Michael Scott: Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Just checking. Double-checking. Checking on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office.
Pam: So can I...?
Michael Scott: Yeah, of course. One more thing. How do girls your age feel about futons?

Michael Scott: A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?" [laughs] This is what's at stake.

Jan: So, are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then?
Michael Scott: No, no, no. I finished all that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like, "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am." But I do say, "Thank you, ma'am." But I'm not like, "Wham bam." Not that there's anything wrong with "wham bam," if it's consensual. We're talking about office stuff.

Dwight K. Schrute: Pam, I am Assistant Regional Manager and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to-
Michael Scott: [sighing] What? Part of your duties are to what? What? You just said that part of your duties are to- something.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I didn't.
Michael Scott: Yes, you did. What is wrong with you?
Dwight K. Schrute: What is wrong with you?

Michael Scott: Name's Pam. Miss Beesly, if you're nasty. Janet Jackson. Hey, you having a wardrobe malfunction there-
Pam: Michael, you can't be nasty today. Because of that. [points to sign saying "Welcome Daughters"]
Michael Scott: Oh, God. Is that today?

Delivery Woman: Hi. Delivery for Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Here we go. Okay, this is great. Thank you, my friends. She is perfect. Dwight, may I have your chair, please? And some singles if you will? All right. Okay. All right. This has arms. Is that gonna be a- Is that all right?
Delivery woman: Sure.
Michael Scott: [laughing] Okay. I'm so nervous.
Pam: I can sign for it.
Delivery woman: Oh, thanks.

Toby: Apparently you called Oscar faggy.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Toby: For liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie.
Michael Scott: It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard.

Oscar: You sound pretty defensive, Michael.
Michael Scott: No. I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero!
Oscar: I think the problem with this office is that you are sending mixed signals about my being here.
Michael Scott: No. No. The only signal that I am sending is gay good! Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you've ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers and just I'd be waving that rainbow flag.

Kelly: They're going on a date tonight.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow! Oh, my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do? Be hilarious. Wear your wedding dress. It'd be a great icebreaker!
Dwight K. Schrute: And your veil.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Do it!
Pam: I'll probably just wear this.
Michael Scott: Really? Okay, well, word of advice, unbutton that top button, let those things breathe.

Michael Scott: Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you? 'Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra.
Carole: Okay, good night, Michael.
Michael Scott: All right. Good night.