Martin: Hey. Why doesn't your car have a flat tire?
Michael Scott: Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me! They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out, it's so hateful. "You guys suck! You can never pull together as one and revenge us! That is why you suck!"
Hannah: For crying out loud.
Michael Scott: No. No, no, no, no! No, you are falling for it! You are playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do! Don't, okay.

Michael Scott: Yes, Dwight Schrute has left the company. More personnel turnover.
Andy: Cost of doing business.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, it is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman.
Andy: Was the top salesman.
Michael Scott: I said "was."
Andy: Right, addition by subtraction.
Michael Scott: What does that even mean? That is impossible.
Andy: Mmm. Yeah, you're right.
Michael Scott: But there is some good news. Oscar is back, addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back, and hopefully, that'll lift everyone's spirits.

Officiant: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Phyllis: I do.
Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, for the first time as a couple, Mr. And Mrs. Bob Vance!
[silence]
Officiant: And do you, Bob, take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Bob Vance: I do.
Officiant: You may now kiss the bride.
Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time as a couple, Mr. And Mrs. Bob Vance! [crowd applauds] That's what I'm talking about!

Michael Scott: I do. I know a fair amount about fine food and drink. [sniffs wine] Mmm... this is a white.

Michael Scott: [to camera] The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.
[cut to:]
Michael Scott: Phyllis and Bob, their celebrity couple name would be Flob. You look at her, and she's kind of matronly today, but back in high school, I swear her nickname was Easy Rider. Now, as for Bob. Bob Vance-
Bob Vance: Okay, that's enough. Thanks.
Michael Scott: -is a guy-
Thanks, Michael. Give me the mike.
Michael Scott: He works- Um. Okay, hold on, hold on. Look I didn't say anything when Phyllis's dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this, okay?

Robert Dunder: I started this company in 1949. Back then, it was an industrial supplier of metal brackets, mostly for construction.
Michael Scott: Oh, boy.
Robert Dunder: And then Mifflin, of course he killed himself later, but I knew Mifflin through the rotary club.
Michael Scott: Great.
Robert Dunder: He was- He was at dinner with Beverly and her husband. What was his name? Uh, Jerry. Jerry Trupiano from South Jersey. And he was tall. Both he and Mifflin were tall guys.
Michael Scott: Great. That's great. Thank you for coming in. Robert Dunder, everybody. Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride?
Robert Dunder: Well, I came here in a cab.
Michael Scott: Perfect.
Robert Dunder: Well, could you give me another-
Michael Scott: Inspirational.

Michael Scott: I actually wrote a movie.
Woman: Really?
Michael Scott: Well, I'm writing one.
Woman: What's it about?
Michael Scott: It's sort of a spy thriller.
Nick Figaro: Hey, what's so captivating? I love captivating things. And this must really be captivating because it's keeping you off the phones. I mean, time is your money. That's how I know how captivating it is because of how much time you've spent talking.

Michael Scott: Yeah, just this whole Toby camping thing. I don't know. It seems a little lame.
Jim: How so?
Michael Scott: A bunch of guys in a tent making s'mores?
Jim: What's that?
Michael Scott: Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. Here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself in the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys if your plans change.
Jim: Not gonna change.
Michael Scott: I want to do it myself. You know, I want to go and find out something about myself. I want to get out of here. All the cliques and the office politics, and fluorescent lights and the asbestos.
Jim: I thought we had that looked at.
Michael Scott: I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this place, Jim.

Michael Scott: There we go. Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts. I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. See this is a beautiful piece of material. This could be used for all sorts of things. Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.

Jan: I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, um sliding glass door shattered. So... It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe or should I tell it?
Michael Scott: I don't like that story, babe.
Jan: Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck. [laughing]
Michael Scott: Stop. Stop it! I mean, I like ice cream, okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue. She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.
Jan: You are so right. You are so right! Because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges. And I moved in and I cleaned it, so I guess that makes me the devil.
Michael Scott: [laughing] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Argh! I'm burning. Help me.