Jim: Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But it's my parents' house, the house I grew up in. And yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my mom. It's got shag carpets. I mean, you can't blame my parents, it was the '70s. And why would you wanna buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling and a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the integrity of the building? She's gonna love it. Right?

Jim: Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Jim: I think it's great that the company's making a commercial. Because not very many people have heard of us. When I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or... And frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering cell phone] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. Hello?
Jim: [on headset] Hello, this is Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hello? Hello?
Jim: Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, what are you doing?
Jim: And how many would you like?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hang that up right now.
Jim: Absolutely. I can get that out to you immediately.
Dwight K. Schrute: This man is an imposter. Don't do business with him, this is not Dwight Schrute.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset.

Dwight K. Schrute: Ding dong.
Jim: Who is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: KGB.
Jim: All right. I just got out of the shower. I'll be one second.
Dwight K. Schrute: [in Russian accent] When you are done, open the door. Hello in there?
Jim: Yeah, I'm late so I have to brush my teeth. It's a whole routine.
Dwight K. Schrute: We have other houses to visit.
Jim: If you wanna come back then, that'd be fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: We'll come back at- How is 4:45?
Jim: I get home from work around 6:00.
Dwight K. Schrute: How about 5:15?
Jim: You can try it. That might work.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very well. We will come back at 5:15.
Jim: All right.

Jim: I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.

Jim: If I had thought that there was a real chance that Dwight would be permanent manager, I would have pre-quit. And you might be saying to yourself, "Well that's pretty premature to think," but I always say, it's better to be pre-pre-preprepared.

Jim: I sold paper at this company for twelve years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn't love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.

Jim: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa, and I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also gonna stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else? This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.

Warren Buffett: Can you do any better on salary?
Jim: Unfortunately, that range is set at corporate.
Warren Buffett: What about mileage when I use my car? I mean, gas ain't cheap, you know.
Jim: Heh. We think that 25 cents a mile is pretty generous.
Warren Buffett: How about 27? And, uh, when I make long-distance calls, will they be monitored or is it on the honor system?