Jim: What's up, buddy?
Dwight K. Schrute: This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here?
Jim: That's weird. Ooh, a dollar for a stapler, though, that's pretty good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, 'cause you're friends with the vending machine guy.
Jim: Who, Steve?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, Steve. Whatever his name is.
Pam: What do I want? What do I want? Ooh, it's a pencil cup.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup.
Pam: I don't think so, I just bought it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I think so, and you're gonna hand it over to me.
Pam: I love these.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, fine. Where's my wallet?
Jim: Oh, there it is. J1.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't have-
Jim: Here, you know what? I've got some nickels.
Dwight K. Schrute: $0.05, $0.10, $0.15, $0.20, $0.25.

Jim: Hey.
Pam: Eh, no talk. I'm animating.
Jim: Why don't we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you what's going on here. Okay, this is Dwight's second life. He's on it all the time. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world. It's called Second Second Life, for those people who want to be removed even further from reality.

Jim: Why do you keep reading that garden party book? I mean, how hard are finger sandwiches and tea?
Dwight K. Schrute: There's so much more to it than that.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I've been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time, and this party is a great opportunity. Plus, I've got a secret weapon. [holds up a book: "The Ultimate Guide to Throwing A Garden Party" by James Trickington] Only one copy in the world and some sucker on the internet sold it to me for two dollars. [laughs]
[also to camera:]
Jim: I'm actually really disappointed in how poorly my book is doing. [holds up same book] I've only sold one copy.

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.
Jim: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fact. I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
Jim: Okay, sounds good.
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing?
Jim: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do I have a smudge on my forehead?
Jim: No, you look good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why are you looking at my forehead?
Jim: I'm not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Meet my eye line, Jim!
Jim: I am.
Dwight K. Schrute: Stop acting like an idiot!
Jim: Okay.

Jim: You know, I just realized this is Pam's and my first night away together. I used to play it over in my head and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a nice hotel or a romantic dinner. Wine but wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure. Just less.

Jim: It's true, I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, karaoke machine and I didn't invite Michael. So, three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal. I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, you know, have fun. And my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. He is very real.

Jim: You know, I majored in Public Speaking in college.
Dwight K. Schrute: You did?
Jim: Mmm-hmm. And the first thing that they teach you is that you've gotta be true to yourself. And you are all about authority.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I am.
Jim: The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers, they were people of passion. So, if you wanna do well today, you gotta do what they did.
Dwight K. Schrute: Which is?
Jim: You've gotta wave your arms, and you've gotta pound your fists many times. You're supposed to emphasize your point.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Okay, I didn't actually major in Public Speaking. But I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one, originally given by Benito Mussolini.

Jim: [imitating Stanley] I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.

Jim: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight K. Schrute: I would remember.
Jim: Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's not how it works.
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight K. Schrute: Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you.
Jim: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?

Jim: Karen, any news from that law firm?
Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday. It's a six-month commitment.
Jim: Oh, my God! Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not.
Jim: Dwight, you know what, just back off, okay? That's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh, my God, he's got a knife!
Dwight K. Schrute: I do not have a knife.
Jim: No. Let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?
Dwight K. Schrute: Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim: Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am not.