Jan: Actually, wait a minute, this could be great. This could be perfect. You know, my full-time job can be our relationship. I can wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. It could work. This could work, really.

Jan: So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.
Pam: What? No, it was not-
Jan: Look, I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, okay? So hands off.

Jan: Hey, Ryan.
Ryan: Jan.
Jan: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan.
Ryan: So, elephant in the room, I have your old job.
Jan: Well, not exactly my job. A different title.
Ryan: Oh, well, excuse me. Same office. Same responsibilities.
Jan: Different salary. You'll get there. Don't worry.
Ryan: Well, you look great.
Jan: Thank you. Thank you.
Ryan: Scranton suits you.
Jan: Best decision I ever made.
Ryan: You were let go.
Jan: You know what? Love the beard, keep it forever.

Michael Scott: So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes. People said I have very pretty eyes.
Jan: You do.
Michael Scott: I haven't heard the same about you. So let's just go with mine.
Jan: Well, they both go with the carpet that I've ordered. And if we go with the brown leather sofas, they go with that too.
Michael Scott: We already have a sofa, so why d-
Jan: A futon's not a sofa.
Michael Scott: It folds up. You've only seen it flat.
Jan: I know what a futon is, Michael.

Jan: Well, when- When my life fell apart and they- And they screwed me in New York and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn't have anyone. I mean, my whole family still won't even talk me on the advice of counsel and my friends were just waiting for this to happen.
Michael Scott: That's really nice of you to say.
Jan: Michael, no. What I want to say is you were there for me. By my side. Without even a thought. That's just who you are. I mean- No matter how badly I treat you or what l'm going through you just- You are there for me. And that is a guy worth staying beside. So where's this train taking us?
Michael Scott: [sobbing] I don't- I think the engineer left.

Michael Scott: I'm really upset about this.
Jan: All right, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You e-mailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.
Michael Scott: Fine. I love you.
Jan: I love you too.

Jan: When I get frustrated, or irritated or angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles! And it just goes away.
Jim: Just like that.
Jan: Just like that.

Angela: So you keep a very tidy house.
Jan: You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath. Whoo! But I don't need to tell you, Pam.
Pam: Oh, yeah... What?
Jan: Oh, don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated.
Pam: Oh, are you joking?
Jan: Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him.
Pam: I have never, ever dated or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever.
Angela: I've noticed how you look at him at the office.
Jan: Uh-huh.

Michael Scott: Wow! I can't believe it! Look at you! Are you nauseous?
Jan: No.
Michael Scott: Do you- Do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecia or my Accutane?
Jan: No, I didn't touch that.
Michael Scott: Good. Thank god. 'Cause that's- Wow, I'm so happy. I am so deliriously happy.
Jan: Why?
Michael Scott: Because you're pregnant. And because it obviously happened when we were together, and I am very proud-
Jan: Yeah, it did happen when we were together. That's true. But you are not- You're not the dad.
Michael Scott: You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?
Jan: No, I did not I did not cheat on you. I did not.
Michael Scott: Well, okay. Okay. So it's not mine, and it's not somebody else's, so I know the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so-
Jan: I went to a sperm bank.
Michael Scott: You did? When we were going out?
Jan: Yeah.
Michael Scott: I don't understand. You always used to be very cautious. I'd wear two condoms.
Jan: I know.
Michael Scott: You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than mine?
Jan: No, no, no. It's not just any sperm bank. I mean, it's really- This is a really, really great place. It's amazing, actually. I'm gonna bring you the catalog. You should look through it. It's- And it's a fact, it's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables.
Michael Scott: Ihop.
Jan: Ihop.

Jan: If I was 22 and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a shot at one. But honestly, I need to make this one count.