Andy: [commencement speech playing on the computer] You're probably sitting there wondering what will be your mark. What will you be known for? It might surprise you to learn... You might feel sorry for me but I actually feel sorry for you. Because you're about to leave Cornell. So say it with me, [all:] Oh, I can so just sit here and cry.
Kevin: Oh, yes!
Darryl: You did good. Real good.
Andy: Thanks Dad- Darryl.

Andy: Okay, who put my calculator in JELL-O? Good one. But, seriously, guys, who did this? Seriously, guys. Who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in JELL-O or I'm going to lose my freaking mind! [kicks a trash can]

Andy: Erin, uh, I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm going to stand here and wait for the confirmation.
Erin: Okay, good.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: The fax says "Erin, will you have dinner with me?" from Andy, and the number is our office fax number.
[back:]
Erin: It's busy. Why don't I keep trying, and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit?
Andy: Sorry, that's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired.
Erin: [tearing up] You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been having a tough day today.
Andy: Oh, God, no. I'm... Just read the fax.
Erin: You read the fax.
Andy: I'm... I'm asking you out.
Erin: Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner.
Andy: So, it's a date.
Erin: Yes. Do you have a day in mind?
Andy: Yeah, what day? What day?
Erin: Everyday is fine. Or...
Andy: Well, that, what's that one?
Erin: Thursday?
Andy: Okay. Let's do it.
Erin: Okay.

Andy: Oh, it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean John in Bhutan.

Angela: [answering the phone] Hello?
Andy: What is wrong with you?
Oscar: Why won't you do Andy?
Angela: What?
Andy: That's Oscar and he wants to know why you won't do me, and I think it's a valid question.
Angela: Are you drunk?
Andy: This is Andy Bernard.
Angela: I know who this is.
Andy: I wanna take you to sex school.
Angela: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: [at Angela's] Who is that, monkey?
Andy: Is somebody there?
Angela: Are you drunk?
Andy: I have needs.
Angela: We will discuss this later.
Andy: Naked.
Angela: What?
Andy: I want to see you naked.

Darryl: Sometimes it seems like it was better down in the warehouse, you know?
Andy: When I was a freshman in college, I worked at the student newspaper, the Cornell Daily Sun? This was at Cornell. I had to write an op-ed column every day. "Bernard's Regards."
Darryl: This was your freshman year.
Andy: I started to ask myself, "Do I have big plans here?" I didn't want to become editor of that paper, so I got up and walked right out of Walter Bernard hall, and that's actually when I heard eight male voices, singing, unencumbered by instruments. I was hooked. So is becoming CEO of this company your a capella group? Come on, we're going to Danny's bar, Public School.

Andy: Drink less caffeine. That's a good one, Pam. Here's mine.
Pam: Learn to cook for one!
Andy: Yeah. I love cooking, but I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare, so... two years is time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.
Pam: Well, maybe you'll meet someone.
Andy: No, some people don't just meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.

Andy: The new guys, alright. It's Clark and, um—
Pete: Pete!
Andy: [stuttering] In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop.
Pete: What? Why?
Andy: Cause you're always taking dumps.
Pete: No, I'm not.
Andy: Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop.

Andy: She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?
Pete: I was just leaving.
Andy: Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog, Plop and Clarker Posey, a.k.a Clarkwork Orange. Here's the sitch: Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first.

Michael Scott: Andrew, what about you?
Andy: Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Yes, I'm going to ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.