Oscar: What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me.

Jim: Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff.
Meredith: Wait. Seriously?!
Jim: Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults.
Oscar: Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people.
Angela: But, I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?
Oscar: Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with.

Oscar: The long term problem is bad investments that they need to dump. The short term problem is the company has no cash and there's no where to get it.
Michael Scott: Okay, Oscar, I don't need the whole enchilada just the bullet points.
Oscar: Those are the bullet points.
Michael Scott: Well, could you condense it please?
Oscar: That's as simple as I can make it.

Michael Scott: Go bag! Where's my go bag? Where's my go bag?
Erin: There's nothing in it.
Michael Scott: You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay, great! Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
Oscar: The hospital will provide dictionaries, bring a thesaurus!

Oscar: Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby.

Oscar: I don't see how we could possibly sell these for that little without losing money. Delivery alone will cost-
Michael Scott: Okay, well sometimes... sometimes it makes financial sense to lose money, right? Like for tax purposes.
Oscar: Actually, ran the numbers on this, and in this case, it makes more financial sense to gain money.
Michael Scott: Why don't you run them again?

Oscar: I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning.
Pam: Okay.
Michael Scott: She is a beaut!
Dwight K. Schrute: Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself.
Oscar: Yes, it is.
Michael Scott: Oh, look at that. [pushing bike] Smooth roll.
Oscar: Yeah.
Kevin: You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike!
Oscar: Yes.
Meredith: His ass was on that seat? All right!
Kevin: Nice.
Oscar: No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses.
Kelly: I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now.

Oscar: Everyone realizes that this coupon book isn't actually worth fifteen thousand dollars, right? You'd have to spend two hundred thousand dollars on crap you don't actually need to get fifteen thousand dollars worth of benefits. I'm not the only one who sees this, right?
Toby: No.
Ryan: No.
Kelly: I get that. I get that.

Oscar: I present to you the [air quotes] "rational consumer", as it were.

Pam: Okay, everyone, I've tallied the votes, and the winner of the costume celebration spectacular and the Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book, Oscar Martinez.
[later, individually to camera:]
Kelly: If I have to vote for someone, I don't want it to be someone who can beat me.
Ryan: Shake things up. I'm a Nader guy.
Creed: Best Edward James Olmos costume I've ever seen. Like, freaky good.