Michael Scott: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice, like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake.

Michael Scott: So that is how it ends. My last Dundies ever. I was hoping it'd be more like Godfather III. That wrapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way. But instead it is like Godfather I! That was very confusing, had maybe three big laughs. Oh, well.

Michael Scott: Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael Scott: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh.
It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. ... Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Kevin: It's negative.
Michael Scott: Oh, God! We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna- Come here.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Well, apparently, in the medicine community, "negative" means "good," which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos.

Michael Scott: There are five stages to grief, which are [clearly reading from his computer screen] denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And right now, out there, they are all denying the fact that they're sad, and that's hard, and it's making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance and, if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.

Michael Scott: Why did I do it? I don't know. Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York. So... You expect to get screwed by your company. But you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.

Michael Scott: I learned a while back, that if I don't text 911, people'll not return my calls. But now people always return my calls, because they think that something horrible has happened.

Michael Scott: What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, you should know that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.

Jo: When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there... and they'd make a Barbie out of me.
Michael Scott: Hmm, hmm.
Jo: I hate that I sell cheap printers, I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, it's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie.
Michael Scott: You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you.
Jo: Oh honey, surely you don't want that.
Michael Scott: I, I surely do, and don't call me honey. [Jo laughs] Airplane II.