Darryl: Oh, no, no, no. Uh-uh.
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on, why not? I've never been in one before. I'm tired of being Mr. Perfect Role Model all the time.
Darryl: I'm telling you, don't do it. I've got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't unsee that.

Darryl: When did I get so fat?
Andy: You look awesome.
Darryl: I didn't hire anyone if that's why you're here.
Andy: Where are we in the process?
Darryl: I have a file of applicants here. I just gotta open it, look at it, interview a bunch of guys, hire some of 'em. So I'd say we're in the early stages of the process.
Andy: Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?
Darryl: The guys did invite me out to celebrate but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.
Andy: You do have a fantastic basement.
Darryl: I did. I did have a fantastic basement. Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement and taco air is heavy. Settles at the lowest point.

Darryl: I didn't have time because of my daughter.
Andy: Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic and a Mediterranean cooking class.
Darryl: Hey, I'm not gonna tell you this stuff if you gonna throw it back in my face.
Andy: Hey. Here's the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed. [long pause]
Darryl: Okay.
Andy: Okay, what?
Darryl: Okay, don't fire me.
Andy: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: My future's not gonna be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's gonna be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do.

Darryl: Look, I need this. Ok? Your daughter is a pretty little girl. Let her go door-to-door. You think people gonna buy cookies from my [hesitates] chubby daughter?
Phyllis: Oh.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: Baby, if you're watching this, you're not chubby, you're beautiful. Daddy's just got to sell some cookies. And we're also gonna exercise more. It's gonna be fun.

Jo: Whose is this? Darryl Philbin. Oh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top. Ah... A little long aren't we? Four pages? Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in ten years at one company?
Darryl: Yes, thanks to you, who promoted me, after we, uh, interfaced.
Jo: "Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory." 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what?
Darryl: Paper material, ma'am.
Jo: Paper material?
Darryl: [softly] Pieces of paper.

Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer, and every sale counts.
Kelly: But you get to put the paper in the little shopping cart and then it says, "Thanks for shopping with Dunder Mifflin."
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!
Darryl: Who knows?
Dwight K. Schrute: Return it. Return it now.
Darryl: Hey. How about instead of yelling at our sweet Miss Kapoor over 500 sheets of paper, you get back to your desk and start selling multiple reams, like a man.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't understand. Okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible.
Darryl: Who's "it"?

Andy: [to Gabe] Let me know what they say.
Darryl: [puts newspaper down] Wow. That dude is good.
Andy: What do you mean?
Darryl: You didn't feel like he was hiding something?
Andy: I don't know.
Darryl: Like he was... covering something up? Maybe.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said "Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient."

Darryl: Every day I have a blueberry muffin. Today, I did not have a blueberry muffin. Should have had the blueberry muffin. Especially considering how incredibly superstitious I am.

Darryl: If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon. Then I would date the hell out of me. I wouldn't give in to me too fast, let me buy myself some nice dinners and such. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself.

Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "What are you gonna do, breakup with me?" Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight.