George: Hey, guys, I assume you've already met my sharp, young lawyer who is gonna help me with my will.
Ted: You said I could help you. All this work for nothing. [rips paper]
J.D.: Ted! Ted! He means you.
Ted: Oh, man! I did this on my typewriter. I'll be back in 11 hours.

J.D.: [v.o.] Ted finally said what we were all thinking.
Ted: Why are you spending your retirement hanging around the place you use to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... No, still sad.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah.

Janitor: Look, Ted, you're obviously upset about the ukulele girl. So, we've called a truce to help you out.
Ted: I'm not upset.
J.D.: Ted, we found you in a park, throwing rocks at old couples.
Ted: Why should they be happy?!

Carla: You're gonna get in so much trouble for this.
Dr. Cox: It's a joke. No one's going to believe Kelso actually died.
[montage:]
Ted: [laughs]
Todd: I don't know if I should be alone tonight. [puts arm around nurse]
Ted: [laughs]
Nurse Roberts: He's with Jesus now. Tough break, big guy.
Todd: Wow. [puts arm around nurse]
Ted: [laughs]

Ted: Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital.
J.D.: Ted, I know, you told me last time we-
Ted: [vocalizing] Legal
Roy: [vocalizing] Accounting
Crispin: [vocalizing] Shipping and Receiving
Randall: [vocalizing] On-site property management, including pest control, night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services, and tenant-related easements and liens-
J.D.: Hey, you got promoted.
All: [vocalizing] It's about time He's been busting his hump around here for six years.
Ted: Dr. Kelso lets us practice here at night.
J.D.: Oh, yeah, I remember. Cartoon theme songs.
Ted: No, no, no. That was lame. We do prime-time now.
[Ted's band sing The Facts of Life theme song]

Dr. Cox: I'm waiting.
Ted: Unfortunately, you've put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Dr. Kelso: Way to go, Ted. Good God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Who would want to?

Ted: There you are, you deaf bastard! I hate you so much, every time you utter my name, I wanna stick my fist all the way down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it!
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I can hear now.
Ted: Who's Ted?

Ted: Is that him?
J.D.: Yes. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.
Ted: Mark my word, Jake, we're gonna take every last cent you have.
J.D.: No, no, Ted. We're on his side.
Ted: Oh. Here's my card.
Jake: This is a Post-it.
Ted: I don't get real cards until I win a case.
J.D.: Go take a nap, Ted.
Jake: He spelled "attorney" wrong.
J.D.: "Buy groceries, kill self."

Dr. Kelso: No, I'm here because the budget's a mess. Ted's not making much headway.
Ted: [sweating] 3-12 x 4-81 equals... Sir, it's not giving me the answer.
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass!
Ted: Oh, god, it's got my tie!

Elliot: Plus, according to county statute, all medical facilities are required to provide single-sex bathrooms and changing rooms. Put that in your suggestion box and smoke it.
Dr. Kelso: Dammit! Where'd she learn all that legal mumbo-jumbo?
Ted: [whistles badly]
Dr. Kelso: What are you doing, Ted?
Ted: I'm trying to whistle. You know, so you wouldn't think it was me.