Ted: [spits out] This salad tastes like sunscreen.
Janitor: That's because you put sunscreen on it.
Ted: Oh, man! I put Ranch on my face.

Dr. Kelso: Good morning, Gary. One Bahama Mama, please. And if you could, the electric razor from my bag. Thanks. For god's sake, Ted, get some sun.
Ted: I've not sunscreened up yet.
Dr. Kelso: Live a little.
[Ted steps out from the bar and basks in the sun's rays]
Ted: It's warmer than I thought.
[Ted turns back after ten seconds, completely sunburt]
Ted: Damn you, Mother Earth! Damn you! [Kelso shaves off Ted's flaking skin with his razor] Why?!

Janitor: Okay, any announcements?
Ted: The Gooch and I are having a great time, and I know it's quick, but we're moving in together.
Janitor: The answer's no.
Ted: It wasn't really a question.

Ted: Finally gonna stop hanging around- [Carla kicks Ted] Finally gonna stop- [again] Finally gonna stop- [again] Oh! Thank you.
Carla: No problem. [Ted inspects the dirt] I wouldn't do that.
Ted: It's a good dirt.

Ted: So you're actually going to stop working around here?
J.D.: That's right, Ted.
Ted: So you're actually going to stop working around- [J.D. throws a fry at Ted] Thanks.
J.D.: No worries.

Ted: Uh, did you hear that I was quitting?
Dr. Cox: I did, Ted. I just haven't really figured out how to pretend I care yet.
Ted: Understandable.
Dr. Kelso: Theodore, I always assumed that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.
Ted: Yeah, that was the dream. But the Gooch and I are gonna take some time off and tour the country.
Stephanie: We've written a song for every state.
Dr. Cox: I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to hell. [elevator halts] Damn elevator.
[Ted and Stephanie sing their song for Alabama, then Arkansas]
Dr. Cox: I'm out.
[Dr. Cox climbs through the hatch in the top of the elevator]

Dr. Kelso: You have the voice of an angel.
Stephanie: Oh, thank you.
Ted: Oh, thank you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Not you, Ted. If I were ten years younger, and you were ten years younger-
Ted: It's too late, sir. I've already tapped it.
Stephanie: Ted Buckland!
Ted: I'm sorry. He brings it out of me.

Captain Duncook: Hey, hey! It's special K.
Dr. Kelso: Howdy. Melvis, Frank. Listen, that salsa was in-frickin'-sane. These are my plus two.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, do you think you could hook us up, too?
Dr. Kelso: You're gonna have to ask Ted about that because this is Ted's night.
J.D.: Ted?
Ted: I'm going to say yes, but I've never had this kind of power before, so I'm going to milk it, okay?
J.D.: Go ahead. Do your thing.
Ted: [dramatic pause] Let it be so!

Ted: [to old woman] You smell like my mom, [growls]!

Carla: So I hope you don't mind my barging in.
Dr. Cox: You gotta be kidding me. In fact, Ted, go ahead and put Carla on the "Always Allowed In" list.
Ted: You got it.
[Ted is picking his feet]
Dr. Cox: Too comfortable, Ted.
Ted: Thanks, sir. I need boundaries.