Ted: So I hear they're making that office into the ladies' locker room?
Dr. Kelso: Yes, Ted.
Ted: Bummer. Hey, maybe, whoever's over here might not stay there forever.
[later:]
Dr. Mitchell: Well, I'm doing a research fellowship, so I'll be anywhere from 15 to 25 years.
Ted: That's a long time.
Dr. Mitchell: Yeah!
Ted: [to Dr. Kelso] You'll probably be dead.

Dr. Cox: Principal Bob, you called?
Dr. Kelso: Can you explain this?
Dr. Cox: It appears to be a wiring problem. Either way, second floor desperately needs a new computer.
Dr. Kelso: Jackass.
Ted: Boing flip.
Dr. Kelso: I was talking about him, you buffoon.

Elliot: I was talking about U2 the band. You know what? It's fine. He probably thinks I was saying it the way you would say "I love eggs." You know, I'm sure there is not going to be a problem.
Ted: [clears throat] We have a telegram from Nurse Paul Flowers. [laughs] That name is funny. This is my band.
Carla: Oh, my God, Ted, everybody knows. TV themes.
Ted: That's old news, doll face, we do commercial jingles now.
Ted's band: [singing] The best part of waking up Is Elliot in your cup [bass] In your cup
Elliot: That's it?
Ted's band By Mennen

J.D.: Hey, T-Dog, who are we slicing and dicing today?
Turk: Well, J-Dog, I don't know who you're slicing and dicing. I assigned you to another surgeon.
J.D.: What? Why?
Ted's band: [singing] You deserve Ted's band today So get up and get away
J.D.: Ted, you guys suck.
Ted's band: Boing, flip

Dr. Kelso: [horn blares] That ought to keep those damn crows from crapping on my car all the time.
Ted: I doubt they'll be back, sir. You know, unless someone who comes up here every day, trying to find the courage the jump, passes the time by throwing birdseed on your car's hood.
Dr. Kelso: Stop babbling, Ted. No one's ever listening.

J.D.: [v.o.] Working at Sacred Heart, you grow accustomed to a lot of things. Sickness, death, Ted's morning self-affirmation ritual.
Ted: People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you.

Carla: So do you think everybody's still mad at me?
[The Janitor, Todd, Ted and Laverne walk by, giving Carla the stink eye]
Janitor: Guys, come on! I'm the only one giving the evil eye! We worked on this. Hey, Ted, you're giving sad eye.
Ted: It's all I've got!

Elliot: So, how do we find that Kelso's age?
Ted: We pay a hundred people age one to a hundred, line them all up and see which one Kelso looks like.

Dr. Kelso: Attention, dumb-dumbs. Many of you have been disregarding the hospital's 12-hour shift policy. Now, I don't care if you think your patients need you, when your shift is over, I want you to go home to your sad, empty lives. Tired doctors make mistakes, and the hospital is liable. Believe me, you do not want to find yourself in a court of law. Tell them what happens there, Ted.
Ted: Well, we'll all wear long black robes and beautiful white, curly wigs.
Dr. Kelso: That's England, Ted.
Ted: Are you sure?

Ted: [vocalizes]
J.D.: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: Band practice.
J.D.: What band?
Ted: Peons assemble! They have to stay within earshot, it's in the band code.
J.D.: Wow, Ted, it's kind of like you're their leader.
Ted: Peons disperse! Peons assemble! Enough of the horse play!