J.D.: [v.o.] Look, I became a doctor to help people, but orientation yesterday, it didn't really focus on patient care.
[flashback:]
Ted: The hospital doesn't wanna be sued. Being sued is not a good thing.

Ted: Legally, there's a huge difference. When you stitch a patient, end up sewing a sheet to him, that's an accident. When he tries getting up, the whole gurney collapses, breaking his front teeth, that's a lawsuit. Say it with me. Accident. Lawsuit. [all] Accident. Lawsuit.

Ted: Sir, I've been the hospital's legal counsel for, well, let's just say, when I started, I had hair. And a wife and family. The point is, I'll never get a raise without support of senior staff like yourself.
Dr. Kelso: Can't do it.
Ted: Well, you did what you could.

Dr. Cox: Isn't that right, Ted?
Ted: Definitely, sir. You'd certainly be vulnerable from a legal standpoint, however.
Dr. Kelso: How vulnerable?
Ted: Sir, that lawsuit would be over so quickly, I'd recommend you takecab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk will be driving your Beamer home to his place. [Turk laughs]
Dr. Kelso: Hippie.
Ted: God, that felt good.
Turk: Who's the man?
Ted: Is it me?
Turk: Damn right it's you. [goes to high-five Ted, who initially cowers]
Ted: Oh, right. It's me.

Dr. Kelso: Wrap it up for me, Ned. [exits]
Ted: It's Ted.
J.D.: I know.
Ted: I know a guy who can take care of him for us. [J.D. and Ted laugh] One phone call.

Carla: If you're having dreams about another woman, maybe you're not ready for marriage.
Turk: Baby.
Carla: Just take it. Are you crazy? Baby, it was only a sex dream. Everybody has them. Right, Ted?
Ted: Oh, no, not me. I just have the one dream over and over. I hold his head under the water till the last bubble goes bloop.
Dr. Kelso: Ted. What's the ETA on those Double Stufs?
Ted: Bloop.

Dr. Kelso: Miss Broderick.
Neena: Bob. Oh, hi, Ted, how's your wife doing? [Ted is silent] Oh, that's right, I forgot you freeze up around me. Okay. Well, I'll see you in court on the eighteenth. [walks away]
J.D.: [v.o.] Ted's possum-like defense mechanism was actually quite brilliant.
Ted: Hello, Neena. We got divorced, actually. I'll see you in court on the eighteenth!

Ted: Come on in. I've got a huge king bed. It'll be nice to have a buffer between me and my mom.

J.D.: Ted, we know denying surgery isn't technically child abuse, we were just wondering if we have any legal recourse.
Ted: Just give me one second.
Turk: Are you looking for a legal precedent?
Ted: No, I'm looking up the word "recourse".

Ted: The Winstons aren't ready to litigate yet, but they're still angry. You need to mitigate the situation because they have a really good lawyer.
Dr. Cox: Honestly, Ted, I'm just surprised you know the difference between litigate and mitigate.
Ted: Their lawyer taught me. I'm telling you, the guy's really good.