J.D.: [v.o.] Everyone reacts differently at funerals. Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves. Others are more stoic. And there's always that one guy who's completely inappropriate.
Doug: I did her autopsy.
Man: I'm her uncle.
Doug: Your niece had beautiful guts.
Dr. Kelso: Nice save, chief.

J.D.: Can I borrow your laptop just for a second? Please? Thank you. Yep! Still number one! Now to put the cursor back on Dr. Turk who's lower down on the ranking list. Scrolling down, scrolling, scrolling, fake watch, scrolling, scrolling, there he is. All the way at the bottom! Right above Doctor Murphy here.
Doug: How can I be the last? All my patients are dead.
J.D.: Doug, do you remember that guy you put in the morgue drawer? Turns out he was just heavily sedated.
Doug: Oh, yeah, you're right! All the comments are from him.

Janitor: Nice work on the renovation, boys.
Doug: We also had an organ donor come into the morgue today, so I'd like to introduce our new mascot Barry Morris's brain.
Janitor: I dub that gross. Second? Okay. Note in the minutes as gross.

Janitor: If I'm gonna have a ceremony, I just need a little help. Go sunscreen up again and call an emergency meeting of the Brain Trust. Island style. Where's Todd?
Ted: Last time I saw him, he was stuffing seaweed into his bathing suit.
Janitor: Sure. Where's Doug?
Ted: Oh, no! I forgot to give him his invite.
[meanwhile, back at the hospital:]
Doug: He's getting married and he didn't invite any of us? Oh come on! And carrying around your invitation is just stupid! You look stupid!

J.D.: [v.o.] I was paged because Ben's blood work was finally ready. Unfortunately, the chart wasn't in the out box. I'd knock, but the haematopathologist is the meanest, intern-hating-est monster in this hospital.
Doug: Don't be a chicken. If you need something, just go in and get it.
[fantasy:]
Doug: Excuse me, sir... [monster growls, Doug screams, blood splatters the door] I'll come back later.

Dr. Cox: What the hell, there, Pee-Pants? Are you the only one here?
Doug: I drew the short straw, so I have to press record on all the tape players when you start the lecture.
Dr. Cox: Of course you do, but you don't actually expect me-
[Doug runs around pressing record on all the tape recorders]
Dr. Cox: Where is everybody?
Doug: They all had really important things to do?

[on wedding video:]
Doug: I'll have to agree with Chet. Turk, Carla, you guys are awesome! This is an awesome wedding, and I'm having an awesome time, and you two are gonna have an awesome life!
Danni: Hi.
Doug: Awesome!
Danni: Hold my gum?

Elliot: Okay, instead of sharing you all, we're gonna separate you into two resident teams so that J.D. and I never have to see each other.
J.D.: I'll take Doug.
Doug: Yes! Suck on that! Thanks, J.D. First pick.
J.D.: Relax, Doug, you're the only one whose name I know.

Doug: I'm not sure if I'm supposed to give this to someone, or if I took this from someone, but I got a bag of blood.
[later:]
Elliot: So, Doug, this is the morgue. That's cute, the little toe-tag. Like a present.

J.D.: [v.o.] I promised I wouldn't pick on Keith, but this one he had coming.
J.D.: OK, guys. Gather round, gather round. Your hero, Keith here, forgot to check the blood levels on Mr. Joy this morning and guess what? He's dead. Way to go there, Keith.
Keith: I've never even seen this guy before.
J.D.: Oh! Way to get to know your patients there, murderer.
Doug: There's Mr. Joy. J.D., did you steal him from the morgue?
J.D.: Doug, I left a note on the decapitated guy's stump that I'd have him back by 2. It is 1:45.
Doug: Now, I have to take him back to the basement and I don't even have my gurney. I hate dead people.