Doug: Hey, Dr. Kelso, none of my patients have died today.
Dr. Kelso: Really? Mr. Ferguson's corpse begs to differ.
Doug: Darn it!

Dr. Kelso: Maybe I wasn't clear. This patient is important. Translation: Don't pass him off to dumb guy.
Doug: Sir, I take issue with that.
Dr. Kelso: Son, you were gathering a group of large orderlies to get the lightbulb out of the patient by doing what?
Doug: Shaking him like a beach towel.
Dr. Kelso: Goodbye.

Doug: Relax. At most, you have a minor concussion. Now, I just wanna check your pupils, okay?
J.D.: Doug, that's for ears.
Doug: Ears. Right. I'm not stupid.

J.D.: [v.o.] As I stood there confused but enjoying Neena's very long kiss with just the right amount of tongue, I thought about how when you make tough decisions good things can happen. Like the confidence you can gain from finding your true calling.
Doug: Hey, Nelson. Got some of your handiwork down in the morgue today. Were you operating with a blindfold on or what?

Doug: You know, I don't really like you guys playing with my cadavers.
Elliot: Oh, really, Doug? So how come that one over there has a soda in his hand?
Doug: He keeps it cold.
J.D.: And how come when we walked in you were sitting in a circle with three corpses playing Texas hold 'em?
Doug: Just call first from now on.

J.D.: When did we lose Mr. Heath?
Carla: Oh, we didn't. His vitals are fine.
J.D.: Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.
Doug: It's a slow day in my morgue. Nothing's written in stone.
J.D.: You wrote a time of death!
Doug: I wrote "one-ish."
J.D.: Get outta here!

[Doug wheels a body bag into the elevator]
J.D.: [v.o.] After trying to get out of the hospital vertically, I decided to go the horizontal route, hiding in a body bag.
J.D.: Can you press "lobby" please?
[J.D. screams as Doug hits the bag with a fire extinguisher]
J.D.: Doug! Why are you hitting me?
Doug: I thought you were dead, coming back to life!
J.D.: Then why were you hitting me?
Doug: Dead people should be dead!

J.D.: [v.o.] A lot of weird things can happen in a hospital. Like Doug not getting a dead body out of his bed before rigor mortis sets in.
Doug: Ted, give me a hand. He's not gonna fit in the body bag like this, so lie across his feet and I'm going to push down his head and straighten him out.
Ted: Fun!
Doug: And one, two, three!
[Ted is flung across the room and hits the window]
Doug: Ted?

Doug: You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue, I just retrace my steps. Right now, I'm looking for something, and I know I came to the vending machine, then I dropped a quarter, which rolled over here, and, yep, there you are. As soon as you take your eyes off 'em, you lose 'em. They're like children. Big dead children.

Turk: Well, I don't see you giving the money back to cotton candy man.
J.D.: As a matter of fact, I already did.
[meanwhile in the morgue:]
Doug: A twenty. Score! Cool shirt.