Kevin: Hey, your life is so insane. You should write a book.
Todd: Since when did you learn how to read?
Kevin: I do know how to read, though.
Todd: Yeah. You know how to read... a menu!
Kevin: [nervous chuckling] ... He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up and comer.

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Hey, dude. I just got back from Jamaica.
Todd: Big whoop. I was in Hotlanta. That whole town is waxed.

Todd: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. "Hey, everybody, it's me, Jim." Hello, hello. Todd Packer.
Karen: Karen Filippelli, Jim's girlfriend.
Todd: Shut up!
Karen: Yep.
Todd: Shut it!
Karen: That's rude.
Todd: Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight.

Michael Scott: [answering the phone] Yes.
Todd: Hello, yes, I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Who is this? How did you get this number?
Todd: Your mom, you gay nerd.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack, how you doing?

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Hey Pack-man.
Todd: Hey what's up, Butt-plug?
Michael Scott: How you doing stud? You already there?
Todd: Dude, I've been here since three! I've boot and rallied twice.
Michael Scott: How's the lady situation?
Todd Packer: Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance.
Michael Scott: Ah, damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately, I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late.
Todd: Oh here's what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, borrow some balls and come meet me!
Michael Scott: Yeah. Maybe next year.
Todd: Maybe next "queer." Hey ladies, who wants some bangers and mash? [call disconnects]

Michael Scott: Are you kidding me? Oh.
Todd: Special delivery.
Michael Scott: That was Packer! You are dead! You are dead, my friend. That is hilarious. Oh, God! Of course it was you.
Todd: Sit on the throne, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh. Yeah! Yeah! Oh, my God! It was Packer!

Todd: Quick query, Halpert.
Jim: No way.
Todd: Still queer?
Dwight K. Schrute: Packer.
Todd: You can't put me down. Too strong!
[aside to camera:]
Todd: Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida. You see, this cat's got nine lives, and a nine-inch-

Todd: Hey, listen, did you get that package I left for you?
Michael Scott: Uh. No. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it?
Todd: It was pretty big.
Michael Scott: Really?
Todd: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?
Todd: Look in the middle of your office.
Michael Scott: Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office?
Roy: You mean, the thing?
[Packer laughing]