Ryan: You can't click on these Kardashian links. That's why you have so many viruses.
Kelly: Well, help me, okay? Just, uh take...
Ryan: I'm trying but you need to-

Host: Hey, now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you?
Andy: Jim, Darryl. Your time to shine.
Jim: Shawn Marion.
Darryl: Yes, Shawn Marion.
Ryan: That doesn't sound right. I want to say, LaDameon Washington.
Jim: Wrong, for so many reasons.

Darryl: Oh, in the warehouse we use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis the Menace. Ryan was douche bag.
Ryan: Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult.
Oscar: Plus everyone would know who you meant.
Ryan: Yeah!

Ryan: Hey, um, what's the deal with this guy? He's really into Kelly, huh?
Pam: Yeah, they're really great together.
Ryan: Maybe we weren't right together, but... it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?
Jim: That's about it, yeah.

Ryan: I found this the other day while I was journaling and they reminded me of you.
Kelly: Oh, those are from our weekend at the time share.
Ryan: Yeah, the fractional ownership property. [sigh] Oh, we took this one right before we got in that huge fight.
Kelly: God I don't even remember what that fight was about.
Ryan: You were being really bratty about where we would go out to dinner. But all I remember is how pretty you looked, taking those pictures of me. Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own, I can send you the link.

Ryan: Thank you. Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together. I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you. Nor should I. Modern marriages aren't built that way. Men aren't built that way. There's a very interesting article I can email to you. But I can tell you this. Even if the odds are fifty-fifty that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly.
Kelly: Ryan.
Ryan: Will you roll those dice with me?

Ryan: Kelly, you're here.
Kelly: Hey, Ryan!
Ryan: Hey.
Kelly: Whose baby is this? Oh, are, like, a nanny now?
Ryan: No, this little guy is mine.
[aside to camera:]
Ryan: So I was dating this girl, and one day, she went out to get a new charger for her e-cigarette. Never came back. Oldest story in the book. [baby cries]

Ryan: When I was five, my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back, so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking, "I'm a little too old for this." And I was five.

Deangelo: Is this true, Ryan?
Ryan: I did not see Rango.
Deangelo: Okay, I don't have time for this he said-she said.
Kelly: He's not saying anything!
Deangelo: It's too murky. I like Ryan. You seem kind of hysterical to me. Ryan's your supervisor. Let's just leave it that way.
Kelly: That's not fair, I mean, I've been working here for such a long ti-
Ryan: [sighs] Oh, close call! Okay, why don't you just finish this up and leave it on my desk and I will see you at your place around 2 am.

Ryan: Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby.
Jim: Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do not shake the baby.
Ryan: Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot of times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you got to, um, you can't do that.
Pam: Don't shake our baby?
Ryan: Yeah.
Pam: Okay. I'd never heard that before. So, thank you.
Ryan: Oh, my God.
Pam: Yeah, I'm glad you said something.
Ryan: Me too.
[aside to camera:]
Ryan: Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome, if you're into Indian people. I'm not.