Dwight K. Schrute: I'm about to buy this building, you know.
Hank: You don't say? I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you. Enjoy that chair for now, 'cause pretty soon, you will be on your feet, at Buckingham Palace.

Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, it's that easy? That's not a resolution, that's just... something I want to do. Okay, fine. I can do that... [makes trumpet sound] My resolution is meet a loose woman.
Angela: Oh, God.
Andy: That's a good one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Andy: You know what, that's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.

Dwight K. Schrute: I've given up expecting Michael to do the right thing or the decent thing or even the comprehensible thing.

Dwight K. Schrute: Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired magazine.
Patty: Patty Grossman. I'm a woman.
Dwight K. Schrute: But you still work for Wired, right?
Patty: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good! Okay. Flirt away.

Dwight K. Schrute: And our next and most thickly frosted cake is... for... Kevin.
Kevin: Yes! Wait, why?
Dwight K. Schrute: Go ahead and just read the frosting.
Kevin: "Get out."
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-huh.
Kevin: What does that mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a colloquial way of saying "you're fired," Kevin, which you are.
Pam: What? Dwight, you can't do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: The cake has spoken, Pam. Sorry.
All: What?!
Dwight K. Schrute: Well if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying. ... Based on his merit.
Oscar: Ooh.
Jim: Um.
Kevin: I'm... good.
Pam: Well, Toby will stop it. Anytime anyone's ever been fired, Toby's blocked it, so...
Toby: Yeah. Yeah, I don't think...
Dwight K. Schrute: Toby, wait. Wait. Hold that thought. Here's your cake. [squirts frosting on the cake] Bye, bye Toby.
Kevin: [crying] At least I got chocolate.

Dwight K. Schrute: Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny O'Gannigan's tonight. It shouldn't go all night long, so if you'd like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence. [Jim doesn't respond] No? Nothing? Okay. Have fun working. [Whistles "Cat's in the Cradle"]

Angela: Who's this guy by our cars?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about.
Phyllis: Yeah, I got stung up my dress.
Dwight K. Schrute: Poor hornet. I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he'll conquer the hornets...
Andy: And if he doesn't?
Dwight K. Schrute: He'll die.
Andy: Uh, beg your pardon?
Dwight K. Schrute: When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?

Stanley: I'm out.
Andy: Stanley, you're suppose to close.
Phyllis: I'm out too.
Andy: What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team.
Dwight K. Schrute: We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.