Pam: You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging.
Darryl: And I will take you all down.
Andy: You?
Darryl: I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: me.

Pam: Hey. How you doing?
Darryl: Thinking about my grandmother a lot.
Pam: Yeah.
Darryl: She was about to turn 97.
Pam: At least she lived a very long and I'm sure, a very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you.
Darryl: Thank you. "Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted." "Have fun today, big guy." "Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop."
Pam: It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday.
Darryl: "Hooray. Live it up, big D. " "Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this"?
[Dwight blows a party horn]
Andy: Birthday punches! [softly punching Darryl in the stomach] One, two, three, four, five...
Pam: I'm so sorry.

Phyllis: How's your hearing?
Andy: Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldn't hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I was talking like this. [mouths words while pointing to his ear] I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim and it got to me.

Darryl: So this is cool. I think we make a good fit.
Gabe: Oh? Uh... we haven't started the interview yet. Were you- Were you joking?
Darryl: Uh... yes. I was. [sits back down] Little joke!
Toby: So, how would you go about settling interpersonal conflicts within the office?
Darryl: I thought that was your job.
Toby: Well, it's one of my strengths, but it's the manager's job.
Jim: Well, for instance, how did you deal with it when two warehouse guys got into a fight?
Darryl: I'll answer that, Jim. I would use it as an opportunity to teach, uh, about actions... and consequences... of actions.

Darryl: Jada, no, no, no. Jada, what are you doing? Oh. So sorry, guys. I hope my family didn't disrupt your meeting.
Jada: Daddy, are these the people who are making you manager?
Darryl: [sighs] Maybe, sweetheart. Single dad. Challenges.
Jada: I don't know if he'd be a good manager, but he's a really great dad!
Darryl: Okay, shush. This was a mistake. Let's go.

Darryl: When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool. They won ... playing my birthday.

Andy: Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off?
Darryl: You mean what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery?
Female Applicant: Your old crew won the lottery?
Andy: Does anyone have experience? Shelving, storing, keeping track. What do we use, the Dewey Decimal system?
Male Applicant 1: Wait, wait. So all the old guys quit?
Darryl: Oh, yeah.
Andy: Well-
Darryl: One of 'em, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club, but on a boat. And Hide is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals.

Andy: Alright! Thank you for coming back in, again. Uh, now we're gonna ask you a few questions. Darryl, you have the floor.
Darryl: Why do you wanna work here?
Male Applicant 1: I need a job.
Darryl: That's not a good reason.
Andy: Good. Keeping 'em honest.
Darryl: Don't just take the first job that comes your way. 'cause next thing you know, it's ten years later and you're still there. Could write your obituary tomorrow, it's not gonna change.
Andy: Are we scaring them straight?
Darryl: I hope so. Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one.

Dwight K. Schrute: Andy, I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.
Client: Oh, you must take this call. It's...
Andy: Yeah. Um line 1?
Erin: Line 2.
Andy: Hi.
Darryl: [on the phone] It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.
Andy: [emotional] Ooh, gosh!
Darryl: Dude.
Andy: Thank you, officer.
Darryl: Look man, this is a bad idea.
Andy: Did she have any last words or?
Darryl: Really? That is messed up, man.
Andy: I'll make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.
Darryl: You're a bad man, Andy Bernard.
Andy: That is so mom.
Darryl: That stuff can come back to get you. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle...
Andy: Alright, thank you officer. [hangs up] Erin, please hold all my other calls. Where were we?

Dwight K. Schrute: Ready? What do you think?
Darryl: Um, no. No, this is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.