Drew: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Cox: Number One, I need you to prep some forms for Dr. Kelso, get the notes for today's lecture out of my office, and set my DVR to record Big Bang Theory. The whole world is watching this thing, and I've got to know why.

Dr. Cox: Okay, so young Cole may not be an ideal protégé. He may not even be an ideal human. Nevertheless, you don't get to pick who needs you as a mentor. Do you realize, for the last eight years I've been saddled with a whiny, clingy lady-man whose very life force was dependent on hugs? Now, of course, I have young Drew, and although he may be filled with a bubbling rage that I fear cannot be contained very much longer, at least he doesn't need me to hold his hand when he speaks of love and his true feelings. The point is, we don't always get to choose who deserves and who wants our help. That's it.
Turk: Why you gotta always ruin pastry time? Perfectly good pastry.

Dr. Cox: Move!
Elliot: What's up to your butt?!
Nurse Roberts: Yeah. What is all up in there?
Dr. Cox: Why don't you hop aboard the "What's up Dr. Cox's butt" trolley and we can begin our tour. Coming up on the left, is my bloated, bed-ridden ex-wife, who's not allowed to lift a finger, which, thankfully, leaves it all up to these guys. Now, if you'll look to your right, you'll see my waning libido, my crushed soul and my very last nerve, which I would advise you not to get on, under, or even close to.

Dr. Cox: I do not have a crush.
Carla: What is this?
Dr. Cox: That is a form allowing Mr. Stockton's band to come visit him so that Dr. Miller will be happy that I did a nice thing for her. [pathetic whimper]
Carla: Turk, he wants to be with Dr. Miller because he thinks it'll make him what?
Turk: Happy.
Carla: Exactly. But he's really only happy when he's?
Turk: Miserable.
Carla: Right! So why does he really want to be with Dr. Miller?
Turk: 'cause she got big-ass boobies.
Carla: No, no, no. Because he likes being miserable.
Dr. Cox: If I actually enjoyed being miserable, then why wouldn't I stay here talking to you two? [whistles]

Turk: How do I know that guy?
Dr. Cox: Maybe you used to date him?
Turk: Oh, that's so clever. I'm gay. Wow, that's good.
Dr. Cox: I'm tired. Maybe he is from the International Pretentious Association, and he's here to remove your goatee.

J.D.: [v.o.] Times were changing. Dr. Kelso had quit, so the board had made Dr. Cox the interim chief of medicine.
Dr. Cox: I don't want everybody making a big deal out of this. I'm certainly not going to.
Carla: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Chief Dr. Cox.
Carla: Right. The board wants to know when you're coming to the budget meeting.
Dr. Cox: Tell them I will be right down.
Carla: He's on his way. [hangs up] You're not going, are you?
Dr. Cox: Not now, not ever.

J.D.: [v.o.] They say you never realize your capacity to love until you have a child. It can change who you are.
Jack: Where do babies come from?
Dr. Cox: "Where do babies come from?" Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very, very much, sometimes they close their eyes and they make a wish.