- Main Characters
- Joey Caruso
- Ms. Morello
- Mr. Omar
- Kill Moves
Quote from Everybody Hates the Pilot
Julius: I know you're not gonna throw that away. Eat that. That's 30 cents worth of oatmeal.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father always knew what everything costs.
Julius: [retrieving a chicken wing from the trash] That's $1.09 in the trash.
Julius: [next to a tray of burnt biscuits] That's $2 on fire.
Julius: That's 49 cents of spilled milk dripping all over my table. Somebody's gonna drink this milk.
Quote from Everybody Hates Elections
Rochelle: I went to the beauty parlor and found out I lost $10. And Vanessa, my so-called friend, would only curl half my hair. Did you see my money laying around here somewhere?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Here's how that sounded to my father.
Rochelle: I went to the beauty parlor and discovered that I lost my $10. [garbled babbling] Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa.
Julius: You lost $10? That's $10 worth of dollars.
Quote from Everybody Hates a Part Time Job
Chris: I was hoping you could give me an allowance.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know it sounded like an innocent enough question, but here's what he heard.
Chris: Since you work like a slave all day and don't have any time to enjoy your own money, can I have it?
Julius: I'm not giving you money for walking around doing nothing. An allowance? I'll allow you to sleep here at night. I'll allow you to eat them potatoes. I'll allow you to use my lights. I'll allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I'll allow you to nibble on them green beans. I'll allow you to look at that TV. I'll allow you to run up my gas bill. I'll allow you to walk up my stairs. I'll allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh? I'm finished.
Chris: I was talking to Greg and he said that he gets five dollars a week.
Julius: Sounds like Greg's doing better than me. Ask him for an allowance. You want to buy a leather coat, you need to get a leather coat job.
Quote from Everybody Hates My Man
Drew: I don't know how you can stand being around all those dead people.
Julius: I love it. It makes you realize that life is short. Anything can happen at any time. A toilet could fall out of the sky and crush you. A bus door could clamp on your neck and choke you. A poisonous lizard could escape from the zoo and bite you. You could fall off a bridge and drown. [3 hours later] And you could trip and fall in front of a power mower and be decapitated. [1:00 a.m.] [on the phone] You could be smoking a cigarette and blow up while siphoning 65 cents worth of glass. And you could eat some bad coleslaw and get diarrhea and die of dehydration. [the next morning] You could step in a puddle and be electrocuted by a downed wire. You could blow your nose and startle a cat with rabies...
Rochelle: Okay, okay, we get it! We can die at any time, and you're happy!
Julius: That's right.
Quote from Everybody Hates PSATs
Man: So we all bought houses on the Vineyard. Ah, let me tell you, weekends at the Inkwell in the summer are amazing.
Julius: Oh, really? So you bought another house, in another state, so you can get in the car with your wife and kids and drive eight hours so you can hang out with the same people you hang out with during the week? That is amazing.
Quote from Everybody Hates Halloween
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father hated buying Halloween candy. He didn't like spending money on stuff we kept, so buying stuff that we gave away almost drove him crazy.
Rochelle: Hey, baby.
Julius: What's up babe?
Rochelle: Nickers? What's a Nickers?
Julius: It's the same as a Snickers bar. But it's a lot cheaper. I go to this place, they got everything. Nickers, Two Musketeers, M&N's.
Rochelle: Julius, Gravy Way?
Julius: It's the same as a Milky Way. But it tastes like gravy.
Quote from Everybody Hates the Babysitter
Rochelle: Oh, hey, baby. How was work?
Rochelle: You know, I was thinking that maybe we should go out, you know? Have dinner relax a little.
Julius: Why would I go out to relax, when I can relax at home for free?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was my father's rationale for everything.
Julius: $20 to get in the club? We can dance at home for free.
Quote from Everybody Hates Corleone
Julius: You can't just quit something 'cause you don't like it, Chris.
Chris: But Mom quits her job all the time.
Julius: But you're a man. And men don't quit. What if Jackie Robinson quit? What if George Washington Carver quit? What if Martin Luther King Jr. quit?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my father had a point to make, he always started off strong, but he never ended that way.
[45 minutes later:]
Julius: What if Colonel Sanders quit? What if Apollo Creed quit? What if Katherine Jackson quit making kids?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ain't she a woman?!
Julius: They might be The Jackson Three. What if Kool from Kool and the Gang quit? You think they would have gotten a record contract if they were just called The Gang?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] To this day, I can't tell you what my father said but that smell stayed with me forever.
Quote from Everybody Hates Kris
Tonya: We can't even have one gift?
Julius: You live your whole life here for free. Tonya, you get gifts every day. Food is a gift. The heat is a gift. Your shoes are a gift. This house is a gift. Those frames on the walls are a gift. The magazines are a gift. That ashtray is a gift. This lampshade is a gift. [Rochelle sits down] That chair is a gift. This pillow is a gift. The remote control is a gift. The TV is a gift. [Rochelle turns the TV on] This carpet is a gift. The pink carpet in your room is a gift. That...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Being able to cut out of this scene is a gift.
Quote from Everybody Hates the Last Day
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my father tried to replace a $25-an-hour plumber with a 14 cents-an-ounce bottle.
Mr. Omar: Drainada?
Julius: That's right. It's Spanish Drano.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Doesn't "Drano" already sound Spanish?
Julius: It's just as good as the real thing.
Mr. Omar: What's in it?
Julius: Sodium hydroxide and hot sauce. It dissolves the clog and leaves the pipes with a fresh, spicy scent.
Mr. Omar: Does it work?
Julius: You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink?
Mr. Omar: No.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's just hitting Mr. Omar that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.