Doc Quotes Page 1 of 5

Quote from Everybody Hates Malvo

Doc: Now, come on, let's finish up these sketches.
Chris: Yeah, so, how did you learn to do this anyway?
Doc: I started painting nude portraits to meet chicks. Then I got good at it.
Chris: A little darker under the eyes.
Doc: Okay. Now, is that him?
Chris: Yeah, that's him.
Doc: Chris, that's Al Jarreau. Come on now, you got to focus. Every time we do this, it comes out different. Now, first time, this one looked like... Yeah, ain't that look like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? And that's George Jefferson. And ain't that Lionel Richie? Come on Chris. Let's just start over.

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Quote from Everybody Hates Minimum Wage

Doc: Minimum wage. Shoot. There was a time when the maximum wage for Black folks was zero.
Chris: But now the government requires that you pay me $3.35 an hour.
Doc: Well, work for the government. Look, Chris, I like having you around and you do a good job. But I just can't spare the money.
Chris: It's only 35 cents more an hour.
Doc: 35 cent an hour... that's $28 a month. That's three cartons of milk a day, that's two boxes of Mike and Ike an hour. That's no.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's when I realized I'd found the one person cheaper than my father.

Quote from Everybody Hates Being Cool

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before I went ahead with being a lookout, I got a second opinion from Doc.
Doc: And they want you to be the lookout?
Chris: Yeah, I mean, I don't want to do it, but these kids like me and I've come so far on my coolness. And I'm just the lookout. I can't get in any real trouble.
Doc: Wrong. You don't know nothing about crime, do you? You act as a lookout, while something felonious occurs, that makes you an accessory.
Chris: Yeah, but I'll still be cool, right?
Doc: Wrong again. There are a lot of subheadings to being an accessory. You can be an accessory before the fact. You can be an accessory after the fact. Or you can be an accessory during the fact. In any event, if you get caught, you going to jail.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Doc spent three to five as an accessory.

Quote from Everybody Hates a Liar

Chris: What?
Doc: Okay, what? I'm just trying to figure you out. Here I'm thinking, your middle name is "Mr. Lonely." Come to find out it's "Lady-Killer," huh?
Chris: I'm not a lady-killer.
Doc: Yeah, I wasn't either. That's how come I got divorced as many times as I did. Look, when your time comes, get you a pre-nup.
Chris: I don't have anything.
Doc: Well, they'll take that, too.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You got that right.

Quote from Everybody Hates Malvo

Doc: I knew it, I knew it! I knew I shouldn't have left. Twenty two years, I've never left that cashier's alone with anyone else. Yeah, yeah. Since the store opened. And the one day I do, I get robbed.
Chris: Sorry Doc, I was going to hit with the bamboo stick but he took it.
Doc: Chris, look, it's not your fault. He had a gun. I much rather you get robbed than shot. My pickled eggs. He took my pickled eggs. Now, who steals pickled eggs?

Quote from Everybody Hates Thanksgiving

Doc: I'm thankful I read this book by Larry X. I mean, this brother is so hip. I mean, he breaks down the real deal on Thanksgiving as it pertains to the disenfranchised minorities of this capitalist society. And it's autographed, too. You better read it.
Chris: Thanks.

Quote from Everybody Hates Kris

Chris: So, Doc, what are you doing for the holidays?
Doc: Well, I'm not falling into that Christmas trap, that's for sure.
Chris: What Christmas trap?
Doc: Commercializing Christmas. People buyin' things they can't afford, being broke before the year come in. Uh-uh, not me.
Chris: So you don't celebrate Christmas?
Doc: Oh, I celebrate Christmas. I love me some Christmas. It's supposed to be Jesus' birthday. So I say a prayer. Happy birthday, Jesus. And I have a piece of cake. This year is seven-layer chocolate cake. [Chris sneezes] Boy, cover your mouth. Stop sneezing on Jesus.

Quote from Everybody Hates the BFD

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I waited for my scholarship money, I was researching other ways to get some cash.
Doc: Give you an advance on your pay?
Chris: Yeah, and I'll pay you back soon as I get my scholarship money.
Doc: That sounds like a good plan. But what happens if you get killed?
Chris: I haven't thought about that.
Doc: Ain't that nothing. You learning about death and ain't even thought about dying. Death can happen at any moment, son. It can happen when you're happy, when you're sad, or when you owe somebody money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: no.

Quote from Everybody Hates Earth Day

Doc: If you want to save the Earth, you better figure out what to do about them Russians. They got bombs. My whole family worked in the fields. I hate fields. I love concrete. You can't grow cotton on concrete.

Quote from Everybody Hates Malvo

Doc: I won't be gone long. Don't take any bills over twenty dollars. And count the change out loud. Lick your fingers, make sure your bills don't stick. There's a bamboo stick under the counter in case anybody give you any trouble.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like who? A panda?
Doc: Bam! Boo. Got it?
Chris: Got it.

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