- Main Characters
- Joey Caruso
- Ms. Morello
- Mr. Omar
- Kill Moves
Quote from Everybody Hates the Last Day
Joey Caruso: Hey, T.C. [knocks Chris's books out of his hands] Five more days till you're back in the hood. Dropped something.
Greg: Don't you ever get tired of that?
Joey Caruso: I never get tired, it never gets old.
Quote from Everybody Hates the G.E.D.
Joey Caruso: Hey, Kelly, Alex. So is it true, you flunked out?
Chris: I didn't flunk out. But I am leaving school.
Joey Caruso: Cool. You want to hang out sometime?
Chris: You're kidding me, right?
Joey Caruso: No, I mean, I've been beating the crap out of you all these years, because secretly, I've been envious of your determination and your accomplishments. I was only trying to crush your spirit so I wouldn't feel inferior. But now that you're dropping out, society will take over, so we can hang.
Chris: So who are you gonna pick on when I'm gone?
[Greg turns away as Caruso's eyes land on him]
Greg: Just give me a minute. [looks off into the distance] All right, go ahead. [Caruso punches Greg]
Quote from Everybody Hates Math
Joey Caruso: Hey, Major Harris, if you mess up our pizza day, I'm gonna smack the crust out of you.
Quote from Everybody Hates the Buddy System
Principal Edwards: You were fighting. Why?
Chris: 'Cause he hates Black people, and I'm a Black person.
Joey Caruso: That's a lie. I love Michael Jordan. I think Gary Coleman is hysterical. And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.
Principal Edwards: "Caribbean Queen." That's a very good song.
Joey Caruso: See?
Chris: Just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius.
Quote from Everybody Hates Caruso
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After two years at Corleone, I felt like things had finally started to turn around. My grades were okay, I liked most of my teachers and I had made friends... Make that, a friend. But he was a good one. There was only one problem that wasn't going away.
Joey Caruso: [punches Chris] Morning, Cocoa Puffs. [Greg runs away]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Caruso had made my life a living hell. He had beaten my ass every day and nothing kept him away.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not a 104 degree fever...
[Caruso is in a bath robe as he slowly walks towards Chris, takes the thermometer out of his mouth, and punches Chris in the face]
Joey Caruso: [sneezes]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...and not even a national holiday.
[When Chris opens the door of his house, Caruso is dresses as Uncle Sam]
Joey Caruso: Happy Fourth of July, Sammy. [punches Chris]
Quote from Everybody Hates Jail
Chris: Well, I don't know what else I can do. I knocked on, like, 100 doors.
Joey Caruso: Well, you better knock on a 100 more, Jermaine, 'cause if I'm not on that bus to DC, I'm gonna Freedom March all over your face.
Quote from Everybody Hates Malvo
Joey Caruso: Hey, Bosco, I hear you got a Betamax?
Chris: Yeah, so?
Joey Caruso: I got a movie for you. A comedy.
Chris: Birth of a Nation?
Joey Caruso: It's a classic. Hilarious. You'll love it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Couldn't be any worse than Soul Plane.
Quote from Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I learned another valuable lesson. You could be funny at the wrong time...
Chris: And then the guy said, "All right, fine. Just as long as you don't hit me in the back of the head with that stick." [kids laugh]
Ms. Morello: What's going on back there?
Ms. Morello: Oh, really. So the whole class is giggling up a storm over nothing at all? Caruso...
Joey Caruso: It wasn't me. He's the one shucking and jiving.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I guess he's never going to be in the mob.
Quote from Everybody Hates the Ninth-Grade Dance
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought getting a date to the dance would be the hard part, but having a date made things even worse.
Greg: Dude, I've heard what people have been saying. This is ridiculous. They're treating you like...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like I'm going out with a White girl?
Joey Caruso: Hey, Pete, Linc. Where's Julie?
Joey Caruso: I know. Me and some of the kids chipped in and got you something.
Chris: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Better than Mandingo.
Quote from Everybody Hates Graduation
Joey Caruso: So long, Greg. So long, Chris.
Chris: What? No final insult?
Joey Caruso: You got to go through the rest of your life being Black. I can't top that.