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‘Everybody Hates PSATs’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates PSATs

414. Everybody Hates PSATs

Aired January 30, 2009

After Rochelle wants Chris to do well on his PSATs so she can show him off at a prestigious club, he obtains an answer key and gets a perfect score.

Quote from Julius

Man: So we all bought houses on the Vineyard. Ah, let me tell you, weekends at the Inkwell in the summer are amazing.
Julius: Oh, really? So you bought another house, in another state, so you can get in the car with your wife and kids and drive eight hours so you can hang out with the same people you hang out with during the week? That is amazing.

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Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Hansel and Gretel is a social organization made up of successful Black families. You know, the upper crust of the Black community.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We were just the crust.
Julius: How are we supposed to get in?
Rochelle: Well, we're successful in our own way. I mean each of us has something that we can be proud of.
Tonya: I'm not pregnant.
Drew: I'm not on drugs.
Chris: I'm not in a gang.
Julius: I actually know where all my kids are.
Rochelle: See, baby, we're almost perfect.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We're damn near White.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Did you see this?
Rochelle: "Congratulations. You have won a free 27-inch color TV." What is this, a scam?
Julius: No, it's legit. I called. They said I just have to come down and pick it up.
Rochelle: What, did you buy a raffle ticket or something?
Julius: Not that I can remember. But I enter every contest I see.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He once entered a contest to win a free contest.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, if the judge had been around he'd be holding me in contempt.
Rochelle: Boy, what are you doing? Didn't you hear what the judge said? You need to go to bed.
Chris: But...
Rochelle: But nothing! Stop studying so you can do well on that test!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] First time I ever heard that.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Chris: Ms. Morello, I can explain. This test meant a lot to my mother.
Ms. Morello: I bet it did. And she must be proud of you. A perfect score on the PSAT test? That's unheard of in the history of this school. You're like a little chocolate Einstein.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] More like chocolate Pinocchio.
Chris: Thanks.
Ms. Morello: Anyway, we're taking you out of your regular classes and putting you in the Advanced Placement program.
Chris: Advanced Placement?
Ms. Morello: Yes. If you think White people are smart, wait until you to go class with the Asians.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: "Excuse your mama?" Chris, what were you thinking?
Chris: I don't know. I guess I have to go back to Thurman's class now.
Ms. Morello: No, I can get you back into AP class, but no more "your mama" jokes. Obviously, you need a challenge. So, I'm putting you on the Academic Scholastathon Team.
Chris: Academic Scholasta-what?
Ms. Morello: Scholastathon! It's a team competition where students match their intellects against students from other schools.
Chris: I'm not sure I'm right for this.
Ms. Morello: Are you kidding? This will be like intellectual basketball. And you're our Dr. J!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I just hope I don't get hung from the intellectual rim.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Objection!
Julius: Rochelle!
Judge Watkins: What are you objecting to?
Rochelle: The way you treated my family.
Judge Watkins: Listen, I am trying to give you a break. I suggest you fix your attitude.
Rochelle: You're the one with the attitude. Let me tell you something. Just because you do summer in the Vineyard, and you go swimming in the Inkpen, and you play the violin instead of the funky bass, and you eat those, all those stupid little finger foods, does not make you better than somebody. Okay? My son is a good kid! And my husband is innocent! So, you know what? You can take your little Hansel and Gretel and you can shove it up your...
Judge Watkins: Lady, you are out of order!
Rochelle: No! You're out of order! You're out of order! This whole trial is out of order!
Judge Watkins: Get her out of here. Get her out of here!
Rochelle: Attica!
Julius: I have the receipts.
Rochelle: Attica! Get him, Julius!

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: So, what, are you trying to skip town before the heat comes down?
Julius: What are you talking about?
Ms. Morello: Let's just say this young man is cracked, busted, and found out.
Judge Watkins: Found out about what?
Ms. Morello: There was a citywide security breach. Chris was one of 1,400 students to get a perfect score on his PSATs.
Rochelle: Hold up, are you trying to say that my son cheated?
Ms. Morello: I didn't say that.
Julius: But you were thinking it.
Ms. Morello: You know, it's really not polite to use your voodoo mind tricks on White people.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Judge Watkins: So, your son cheated on his test?
Ms. Morello: And the only reason he got a perfect score in the Academic Scholastathon is because the questions were all about Black people.
Judge Watkins: There's a competition with questions about Black people?
Ms. Morello: I'm sorry, but Chris, you're back in your regular classes as of next week, and...
Chris: Yeah, I know. Detention.
Ms. Morello: No, that would be too easy. I'm making you stay on the Academic Scholastathon Team. As your punishment, you can go on losing along with them. Well, I have to go while I still have some hubcaps.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Too late!
Ms. Morello: And I don't know who you are, but I love a Black man in a suit. Call me.
Rochelle: I know... obliterated, decapitated, incarcerated.
Judge Watkins: Bye!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's going to go get adulterated!

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wanted to do well on the PSAT, but my mother wanted me to do better.
Rochelle: Look at this, Chris. You could get a National Merit Scholarship. If you get enough answers right, you get money, like on Jeopardy.
Drew: Actually, on Jeopardy, you have to get the questions right.
Rochelle: Actually, nobody asked you.

Quote from Tonya

Julius: They give scholarships for being smart? I thought they only gave scholarships for playing sports.
Tonya: Do they give scholarships for being an idiot? Chris can get that.

Quote from Drew

Boy: When Americans talk about dance, it's always Michael Jackson, but I think that if more people were to see Baryshnikov, they would feel differently.
Drew: Oh, really? Well, a lot of people saw him dance in White Nights and they're still talking about Michael Jackson. I'm more of a Boogaloo Shrimp fan myself.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I don't have enough time to do the work I need to do to stay in this school. When am I going to find time to do the work I need to do to get into another school?
Greg: Well, make time. You have to prepare for this kind of exam. Study a few hours every night and then get eight hours of sleep the night before the test.
Chris: I haven't slept eight hours since I was born.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We were so broke, we had to share our sleep.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Hey, little dude, let me hold a dollar.
[Jerome gives Chris the candy he's buying as Chris gives him a dollar]
Chris: [rings register] That'll be a dollar.
Jerome: Here you go. [hands Chris back his dollar]
Jerome: PSATs, huh? You know, my uncle works at the place that makes the test books. And I'm selling answer keys if you need one. 20 bucks.
Chris: No, I'm good.
Jerome: Well, you'll be better if you have the answers to that test.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd be better if you'd stop robbing me every single day.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At Hansel and Gretel my mother laid down the law like the big bad wolf.
Rochelle: Okay, I need you guys to be on your best behavior. So please, be sure to say "please" and "thank you." And for God's sake, use your right fork. Now if you don't know what somebody is talking about, just look at them, nod, and say, "Oh, really?" And agree, okay?
Tonya: Okay.
Rochelle: Now go mingle.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's White-speak for talking.

Quote from Tonya

Girl: I just started taking violin lessons. My parents took me to Lincoln Center to see Itzhak Perlman. He's a genius.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My family could nod and say, "Oh, really?"
Tonya: Oh, really?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But good luck getting them to agree.
Tonya: The violin's okay. I like the bass. Have you ever heard the bass line to "Get the Funk Out of My Face"? Louis Thunder-Thumbs Johnson? Now that's a genius.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I dealt with my success, Greg dealt with his failure.
Greg: Advanced Placement classes. I can't understand how you did so well on the test. I studied for days and still did horribly.
Chris: Greg, I cheated. I had the answers.
Greg: Dude, why didn't you tell me? I could have used them, too.
Chris: Don't you think it'd look suspicious if you and I ended up with identical scores?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Plus, he would have panicked and ratted me out.
Greg: Yeah, plus, I would have panicked and ratted you out.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Boy, I ought to knock you into subspace.
Chris: Isn't that kind of ridiculous?
[fantasy:]
Russian Cosmonaut: Mission Control, that stupid Black kid is outside of the Space Station.
Chris: Help me!

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother was happy, the big test was making Greg testy.
Greg: This test is a monster. Have you looked at this thing? It covers everything from analogies and reading comprehension to algebra, geometry, statistics and probability.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Anybody got a dictionary?

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I didn't get to cram on my test, there was only one thing left to do.
Chris: Hey, Jerome.
Jerome: Little dude from across the street. Let me hold a dollar.
Chris: I'll let you hold $20. I need the answer key to the PSAT test.
Jerome: Now you're thinking.

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