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‘Everybody Hates Elections’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Elections

203. Everybody Hates Elections

Aired October 16, 2006

Chris and Greg try to write a speech for the election campaign as Caruso takes an early lead. Meanwhile, Rochelle rents out the room upstairs to the funeral director, Mr. Omar.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: I went to the beauty parlor and found out I lost $10. And Vanessa, my so-called friend, would only curl half my hair. Did you see my money laying around here somewhere?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Here's how that sounded to my father.
[fantasy:]
Rochelle: I went to the beauty parlor and discovered that I lost my $10. [garbled babbling] Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa.
[reality:]
Julius: You lost $10? That's $10 worth of dollars.

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Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After trying to find a tenant to help my father make ends meet, my mother thought she had found the perfect person, our neighborhood funeral director, Mr. Omar.
Rochelle: Oh, hello, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hello, Miss Rochelle.
Rochelle: Is this Mrs. Omar?
Mr. Omar: No, this is Mrs. Johnson.
Mrs. Johnson: Mr. Omar and I are just friends.
Mr. Omar: Yeah, her husband recently passed and she's in mourning.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sure, she is.
Rochelle: Was it sudden?
Mr. Omar: Oh, yeah, yeah. He got stabbed on the subway. Didn't see it coming. Tragic. Tragic!

Quote from Greg

Greg: What's the matter?
Chris: The speech. I've never given a speech before. I don't know if I can do this. I don't want to get up there and put people to sleep.
Greg: There's no reason to be nervous. I've been working on some bullet points and I guarantee you nobody's going to sleep through this.
Chris: "The geopolitical infrastructure of Corleone"? "Trading arms for hostages"? "Postwar Grenada"?!
Greg: Good, huh? I got more stuff, too, on Noriega and the fallacy of trickle-down economics.
Chris: Wait. "The fallacy of trickle-down economics"? Greg, this is the eighth grade.
Greg: Yeah, but it's trickling down to us.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After researching some of the greatest speeches ever, I tried a few on for size.
Chris: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth to this country a... [Greg shakes his head] Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Don't vote for him, vote for me.
Greg: Come on. This is serious.
Chris: I am not a crook. [holds up two fingers on each hand]
Greg: Come on. Now you're just making stuff up.
Chris: Once you go Black, you never go back.
Greg: Are you trying to get us killed?
Chris: Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, and segregation forever!
Greg: What are you thinking?
Greg: I think we've looked at every speech in every book here.
Chris: Maybe I should just say, "Vote for me. You know I won't kick the crap out of you."

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Drew?
Drew: Was it on the stairs?
Rochelle: "Was it on the stairs?" Boy, if I knew where I lost it, I would have it right now. I should snatch the scabs off of you.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I didn't have a speech, I did have something to say.
Chris: When I decided to run for eighth grade class president, I was running for a lot of different reasons. What I never really asked myself was, did I really want to be class president? Well, I do. You know, I don't know what I can do as class president, but this is what I'm going to try to do. I'm going to try to get you lockers with combinations that work. I'm tired of coming in to my locker and seeing that everything I own is gone. I'm going to try to get you textbooks from this decade. I've got a textbook that says Dwight Eisenhower's president. Who is Dwight Eisenhower? I don't know. And what about that lunch room food? I had some Jell-O last week that was harder than the bowl. And what's with all the salami? Did someone vote for salami? Do we have any bologna? Ham? Can I get a slice of cheese? And if we have hot dogs on Tuesday, I don't want to have hot dog casserole Wednesday and Thursday and then franks and beans on Friday. [applause] Change it up! And do we have to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day? It's a pledge. We can say it once. What, they don't trust us or something? [applause] And how about we get field trips to places where people actually want to go? I'm not going to the botanical gardens one more time. How about Coney Island? Or Times Square? Let's go see the Knicks. Let's go see the Yankees. Heck, I'll even go see Cats. But if I go to the botanical gardens one more time, I'm gonna slap the sap out of somebody. Now I know it's been a long time coming, but as your eighth grade class president I promise you a change is gonna come. My name is Chris, and I'm running for your eighth grade class president.
Kids: [chant] Chris! Chris! Chris!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was great to hear a crowd say my name and not follow it with, "Let's get him."

Quote from Greg

Greg: I redid your posters. We need to take advantage of DiPaolo being your running mate.
Chris: Uh... Well, where's my name?
Greg: Down here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd get votes if they didn't read the fine print.
Chris: I'm the one running for president. I think my name should be a little bit bigger than that.
Greg: I have another one.
Chris: White people at the beach?
Greg: No, happy White people at the beach.
Ms. Morello: Chris. Oh, that's great! Where's your picture?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Next to Waldo.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Oh, by the way, are you going to need an organ player?
Chris: Why would I need an organ player?
Ms. Morello: Oh, you know, in case you catch the Holy Ghost.
Chris: No, I think I'll be okay.
Ms. Morello: Tambourine?
Chris: I'm fine.
Ms. Morello: Good luck.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Didn't Ghostbusters already catch the Holy Ghost?

Quote from Chris

Mrs. Milone: All right, do we have another question for Mr. Caruso? Mr. Burr?
Boy: Where do you stand on access for the handicapped?
Joey Caruso: Ramps. Ramps now, ramps tomorrow, ramps forever. [applause]
Greg: [wearing sunglasses and a mustache] I have a question. What's your position on detention?
Chris: Detention now, detention tomorrow and detention forever. [all booing]
[Chris is pelted with vegetables]

Quote from Drew

Risky: How about a wallet? Snakeskin wallet, too. Coral, rattler, I don't know, but it's from my Grandmama's backyard.
Drew: Yeah, I need a wallet to put my ten dollars in.
Risky: Yeah, there you go.
Drew: How much?
Risky: Ten dollars.
Drew: I'll take it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The Indians made a similar deal for Manhattan.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Making a good impression was important to my mother.
[flashback:]
Julius: What are you doing?
Rochelle: I'm spraying for ants.
Julius: Didn't we call the exterminator?
Rochelle: I don't want him to think we've got ants.

Quote from Adult Chris

Greg: Take a look at this. I think it'll help with the swing vote.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] "Swing vote" meant "White vote."

Quote from Joey Caruso

Mrs. Milone: All right, everybody, take your seats. We will now begin our town hall meeting so you can get to know the candidates. Let's have the first question for Mr. Caruso.
Joey Caruso: Yes?
Boy: If you were elected, what flavor would you pick for the cafeteria Jell-O?
Joey Caruso: Grape. Grape today, grape tomorrow, grape forever. [applause]
Boy: Yeah!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hey, this is going to be easy.

Quote from Chris

Mrs. Milone: Who's got a question for Chris?
Boy: In a perfect utilitarian society, where would a learning institution like Corleone position itself vis-a-vis the prevailing monetary laws regarding the national position on the Krugerrand?
Chris: What?
Boy: In a perfect utilitarian society...
Chris: I heard you, but, uh, I don't know. Grape? [disgruntled chatter]

Quote from Adult Chris

Tonya: Mama, what's wrong?
Rochelle: Did one of y'all find $10?
Tonya: I didn't.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He couldn't look guiltier if his lawyer was Johnnie Cochran.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Rochelle: I'll show you the apartment.
Mr. Omar: Boy, I love this wood. Don't you love this wood?
Mrs. Johnson: Oh, yes, I love this.
Mr. Omar: We going to get through this, too. We going to get through this together.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought running for class president would make me more popular, change my life at Corleone, but the more I campaigned, the more I just wanted to beat Caruso by any means necessary.
Greg: Dude, I've got bad news. The entire fourth period English class is going to vote for Caruso.
Chris: All of 'em?
Greg: Yeah. He said if they don't vote for him, he was going to kick the lit out of them.
Chris: I thought having DiPaolo run with me would help me.
Greg: It would probably help more if he threatened to knock somebody's teeth out.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mr. Omar had just moved into the house and had already made himself at home.
Rochelle: Who are you?
Mrs. Morales: Mrs. Morales. Can I help you?
Rochelle: Oh. Is Mr. Omar here?
Mrs. Morales: Hold on. Omar, alguien est a la puerta.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hello, Miss Rochelle.
Rochelle: Am I interrupting something?
Mr. Omar: Oh, no, I was just about to come to you. Do you have a face towel I could borrow
Mrs. Morales: [o.s.] Pregunta si tiene champú.
Mr. Omar: Oh, yeah. And some shampoo, too.
Rochelle: Uh, I'll check. I just wanted to say we don't have many rules for our tenants, but my husband works at night and he sleeps during the day. So if you can keep the music down a little bit we'll really appreciate that.
Mr. Omar: Oh, no problem.
Rochelle: Thank you.
Mr. Omar: Uh-huh. Oh, don't forget the face towel and the shampoo.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought I would be nervous when I got in front of that audience, but for the first time, I had more confidence than ever.
Joey Caruso: Hey, look, it's Frank and Sammy.
Chris: That's all right, 'cause after this you're the one that's going to be singing... [sings] These are the breaks Break it up, break it up, breakdown!

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: What were you thinking?
Greg: What were you thinking? "Detention now, detention forever"?
Joey Caruso: Nice going, thunder thumbs.

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