203. Everybody Hates Elections
Aired October 16, 2006
Chris and Greg try to write a speech for the election campaign as Caruso takes an early lead. Meanwhile, Rochelle rents out the room upstairs to the funeral director, Mr. Omar.
Quote from Julius
Rochelle: I went to the beauty parlor and found out I lost $10. And Vanessa, my so-called friend, would only curl half my hair. Did you see my money laying around here somewhere?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Here's how that sounded to my father.
Rochelle: I went to the beauty parlor and discovered that I lost my $10. [garbled babbling] Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa.
Julius: You lost $10? That's $10 worth of dollars.
Quote from Mr. Omar
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After trying to find a tenant to help my father make ends meet, my mother thought she had found the perfect person, our neighborhood funeral director, Mr. Omar.
Rochelle: Oh, hello, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hello, Miss Rochelle.
Rochelle: Is this Mrs. Omar?
Mr. Omar: No, this is Mrs. Johnson.
Mrs. Johnson: Mr. Omar and I are just friends.
Mr. Omar: Yeah, her husband recently passed and she's in mourning.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sure, she is.
Rochelle: Was it sudden?
Mr. Omar: Oh, yeah, yeah. He got stabbed on the subway. Didn't see it coming. Tragic. Tragic!
Quote from Greg
Greg: What's the matter?
Chris: The speech. I've never given a speech before. I don't know if I can do this. I don't want to get up there and put people to sleep.
Greg: There's no reason to be nervous. I've been working on some bullet points and I guarantee you nobody's going to sleep through this.
Chris: "The geopolitical infrastructure of Corleone"? "Trading arms for hostages"? "Postwar Grenada"?!
Greg: Good, huh? I got more stuff, too, on Noriega and the fallacy of trickle-down economics.
Chris: Wait. "The fallacy of trickle-down economics"? Greg, this is the eighth grade.
Greg: Yeah, but it's trickling down to us.
Quote from Chris
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After researching some of the greatest speeches ever, I tried a few on for size.
Chris: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth to this country a... [Greg shakes his head] Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Don't vote for him, vote for me.
Greg: Come on. This is serious.
Chris: I am not a crook. [holds up two fingers on each hand]
Greg: Come on. Now you're just making stuff up.
Chris: Once you go Black, you never go back.
Greg: Are you trying to get us killed?
Chris: Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, and segregation forever!
Greg: What are you thinking?
Greg: I think we've looked at every speech in every book here.
Chris: Maybe I should just say, "Vote for me. You know I won't kick the crap out of you."
Quote from Rochelle
Drew: Was it on the stairs?
Rochelle: "Was it on the stairs?" Boy, if I knew where I lost it, I would have it right now. I should snatch the scabs off of you.
Quote from Chris
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I didn't have a speech, I did have something to say.
Chris: When I decided to run for eighth grade class president, I was running for a lot of different reasons. What I never really asked myself was, did I really want to be class president? Well, I do. You know, I don't know what I can do as class president, but this is what I'm going to try to do. I'm going to try to get you lockers with combinations that work. I'm tired of coming in to my locker and seeing that everything I own is gone. I'm going to try to get you textbooks from this decade. I've got a textbook that says Dwight Eisenhower's president. Who is Dwight Eisenhower? I don't know. And what about that lunch room food? I had some Jell-O last week that was harder than the bowl. And what's with all the salami? Did someone vote for salami? Do we have any bologna? Ham? Can I get a slice of cheese? And if we have hot dogs on Tuesday, I don't want to have hot dog casserole Wednesday and Thursday and then franks and beans on Friday. [applause] Change it up! And do we have to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day? It's a pledge. We can say it once. What, they don't trust us or something? [applause] And how about we get field trips to places where people actually want to go? I'm not going to the botanical gardens one more time. How about Coney Island? Or Times Square? Let's go see the Knicks. Let's go see the Yankees. Heck, I'll even go see Cats. But if I go to the botanical gardens one more time, I'm gonna slap the sap out of somebody. Now I know it's been a long time coming, but as your eighth grade class president I promise you a change is gonna come. My name is Chris, and I'm running for your eighth grade class president.
Kids: [chant] Chris! Chris! Chris!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was great to hear a crowd say my name and not follow it with, "Let's get him."
Quote from Greg
Greg: I redid your posters. We need to take advantage of DiPaolo being your running mate.
Chris: Uh... Well, where's my name?
Greg: Down here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd get votes if they didn't read the fine print.
Chris: I'm the one running for president. I think my name should be a little bit bigger than that.
Greg: I have another one.
Chris: White people at the beach?
Greg: No, happy White people at the beach.
Ms. Morello: Chris. Oh, that's great! Where's your picture?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Next to Waldo.
Quote from Ms. Morello
Ms. Morello: Oh, by the way, are you going to need an organ player?
Chris: Why would I need an organ player?
Ms. Morello: Oh, you know, in case you catch the Holy Ghost.
Chris: No, I think I'll be okay.
Ms. Morello: Tambourine?
Chris: I'm fine.
Ms. Morello: Good luck.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Didn't Ghostbusters already catch the Holy Ghost?
Quote from Chris
Mrs. Milone: All right, do we have another question for Mr. Caruso? Mr. Burr?
Boy: Where do you stand on access for the handicapped?
Joey Caruso: Ramps. Ramps now, ramps tomorrow, ramps forever. [applause]
Greg: [wearing sunglasses and a mustache] I have a question. What's your position on detention?
Chris: Detention now, detention tomorrow and detention forever. [all booing]
[Chris is pelted with vegetables]
Quote from Drew
Risky: How about a wallet? Snakeskin wallet, too. Coral, rattler, I don't know, but it's from my Grandmama's backyard.
Drew: Yeah, I need a wallet to put my ten dollars in.
Risky: Yeah, there you go.
Drew: How much?
Risky: Ten dollars.
Drew: I'll take it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The Indians made a similar deal for Manhattan.