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‘Everybody Hates the Babysitter’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Babysitter

107. Everybody Hates the Babysitter

Aired November 3, 2005

When Julius decides to take Rochelle out to dinner, they hire a babysitter to look after the kids.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Oh, hey, baby. How was work?
Julius: Hard.
Rochelle: You know, I was thinking that maybe we should go out, you know? Have dinner relax a little.
Julius: Why would I go out to relax, when I can relax at home for free?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was my father's rationale for everything.
[flashback:]
Julius: $20 to get in the club? We can dance at home for free.

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Quote from Tonya

Tonya: Does Yvette live with you?
Mrs. Sanders: Yes. Why?
Tonya: My mama said if I have a baby before I get married, she says she's putting me out because she ain't raising no babies. You like raising babies?
Mrs. Sanders: No.
Tonya: How come you didn't put her out?
Mrs. Sanders: How old are you?
Tonya: Nine.

Quote from Adult Chris

Mario: I'm Mario. Is that my baby?
Chris: I don't know. Is it?
Mario: I know. He takes after his mom.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We didn't know if it was his baby, either. But trust me, there ain't no Black man picking up a baby that ain't his.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wanted this to be a good night for my parents. And I didn't want my father to think I couldn't handle things. So, I decided to keep everything that happened to myself.
Julius: You know, Yvette, are you free next Friday?
Chris: No, no, no, no, no! She left us to go get a baby. But then when she came back, she burnt your chicken. So then, this guy came to the door asking for the baby. He said his name was Mario and he was the baby's father. So then when he left, she came back, and the baby wasn't here. So then she went too get baby back, her mother came the door looking for her and the baby. So then they had a big fight about where to live. She said she'd live at Mario's house. Who is Mario?! So then when she came back, she started braiding Tonya's hair. Drew got to watch the game, you guys came back. She's trying to make it look like everything was all peachy and fine. It's not!
Julius: I told you we should have let Chris baby-sit. Girl, give me my money back.
Rochelle: I'm going to kick her ass. Hold my wig.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Thanks to Drew and Tonya, I was taking care of kids until I was taking care of my own kids.
Tonya: Chris, get me some potato chips.
Drew: Chris, help me with my homework.
Tonya: Chris, find my doll.
Drew: Chris, go make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Tonya: Chris, make me some Kool-Aid.
Drew: Chris, strap up my shoe.
[montage:]
Julius: Chris, I'm going to take a shower, watch the kids.
Tonya: Chris, tie my shoe!
Rochelle: Chris, I'm going to pick up my Porgy's. Watch the kids!
Drew: Chris, help! My head is stuck!
Julius: Chris, I'm going to eat some peanuts. Watch the kids.
Rochelle: Chris, I'm going to get my mustache waxed. Watch the kids.
Drew: Chris!
Julius: Chris!
Tonya: Chris!
Rochelle: Chris!
Drew & Tonya: Chris!

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Hey, babe. What's for dinner?
Rochelle: Well, the kids are having chicken.
Julius: What about me?
Rochelle: Well, you got two jobs. You could take your two-job money and go buy you a two-job meal.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Chris, I don't want that girl calling us. So if there's a problem handle it. Me and your mother don't go out often, so I don't want nothing to spoil it. Here. [gives Chris money]
Chris: Whoa, what's this?
Julius: That's emergency money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father believed there's nothing $10 couldn't fix.
Chris: What if something costs $11?
Julius: Talk them down to ten.

Quote from Julius

Cashier: Welcome to Pastures and Shores. May I take your order?
Rochelle: Okay, I'll have the all-you-can-eat shrimp and sirloin combo, well done, order of coleslaw and a Coke.
Cashier: And you, sir?
Julius: I'll have the ultimate surf and turf and a large Coke.
Cashier: [cash register dings] That'll be $17.99.
Rochelle: Wait, baby. Are you sure we can afford this?
Julius: It's okay. I have coupons.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If there was a coupon for something, my father had it.
[flashback to a meter maid writing a ticket:]
Julius: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Meter Maid: What's this?
Julius: A coupon. No tickets on Tuesday.

Quote from Julius

Cashier: This doesn't include the all-you-can-eat shrimp and sirloin combo.
Rochelle: Oh, you know what? I'll just order something else. I'll take the...
Julius: No, it's okay. I want everything to be perfect. Get what you want. I'll pay for it.
[As Julius gets his wallet out, he hesitates before handing over the cash]
Cashier: Is there a problem?
Julius: Can I have my coupon?

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The one thing that Drew and I did together was watch basketball games and Rocky movies. Tonight it was basketball.
Drew & Chris: Whoa! See that shot?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But since we only had one TV, we had to share with Tonya, and Tonya always got her way.
Tonya: Mama said I can watch Three's Company.
Chris: We're watching the game!
Tonya: I don't care. [turns TV over] Move.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: I just wanted to do something nice. That all.
Julius: I think staying home is nice.
Rochelle: Well, you're not here all day.
Julius: Well, why don't I stay home, and you can go out and work two jobs?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Where's a time machine where you could just go back and shut up?
Julius: No, I did not mean-- I'm not trying to take anything away from what you do here.
Rochelle: That's okay. If you don't want to go out you don't have to.
Julius: No, look... What I meant to say...
Rochelle: It's okay, no, no. Enough said. It's over. Over.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There are two things my father knew for sure: He knew he knew nothing for sure, and he knew this wasn't over.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: I'm sorry, baby. If you want to go out, we can go out.
Rochelle: Thank you, baby. Oh! I'll call Sheila's baby-sitter and tell her she can come tomorrow.
Julius: Why do we got to pay a baby-sitter when Chris'll do it for free?
Rochelle: No, no, no, he does it during the day, not at night.
Julius: Rochelle, we don't really need...
Rochelle: Do you want me to make you some chicken?

Quote from Chris

Chris: What's that?
Yvette: It's my baby.
Tonya: You can't bring that baby in here.
Chris: Would you be quiet, and let me handle this? You can't bring that baby in here.

Quote from Chris

Chris & Tonya: [sing] It's like a jungle sometimes It makes me wonder how I keep from going under Uh, uh, uh-uh It's like a jungle sometimes It makes me wonder how I keep from going under.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hey, he cried when I sang "Endless Love".

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Isn't it funny how irresponsible people think they can change the whole world with a piece of chicken?

Quote from Rochelle

Manager: Is everybody okay?
Julius: No, we're not okay, man, we just got robbed.
Rochelle: Julius.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After everything that happened you would expect my mother's reaction to be a little like this...
Rochelle: You are such a brave man. Oh, baby, thank you for taking me to dinner and standing up to those robbers. Oh, baby, I love you so much.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Instead, it went a little something like this.
Rochelle: Are you crazy? What were you thinking arguing with a masked gunman?! You could have been killed! Do you think I got married to raise three kids by myself? The next time somebody tries to rob us, get robbed! Let's go!

Quote from Chris

Chris: You got to leave and take that baby with you.
Mrs. Sanders: Fine!
Chris: Not you, her.
Mrs. Sanders: I don't know if that's such a good idea.
Chris: If my mom comes home and finds out what happened, she's going to ask me why I didn't tell her. And I'm going say because my dad told me not to. And then she's going to curse him out and kill me.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Chris, look at your sister.
Chris: What happened to her?
Rochelle: You weren't watching her, that's what happened to her.
Tonya: I told you I wanted a cookie.
Chris: Mom, I just sat down for a minute.
Rochelle: Do you know what can happen in a minute?

Quote from Tonya

Yvette: Hi, I'm Yvette.
Rochelle: Oh, okay, come on in. Okay, so I have some chicken baking in the oven. Just take it out about in 20 minutes. Chris and Drew are gonna watch the basketball game.
Tonya: What am I gonna do while Chris and Drew are watching the basketball game?
Yvette: Well, you can hang with me. I'll show you how to do French braid.
Tonya: Okay.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Having a babysitter in the house was great, because the only kid I had to worry about was me.
Yvette: I'll be right back. [on the phone] No, I can't talk right now.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother would never hire someone she thought was irresponsible. But irresponsible people never tell you that they're irresponsible... because they're irresponsible!

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