- Main Characters
- Joey Caruso
- Ms. Morello
- Mr. Omar
- Kill Moves
Quote from Everybody Hates Baseball
Risky: Oh, hey, Rochelle, what do you need, a butter roll or bagel?
Rochelle: Do you still have those celebrity autograph pictures?
Risky: I might have a few.
Rochelle: You got Billy Ocean?
Risky: What you want with a picture of Billy Ocean?
Rochelle: It's for Tonya.
Risky: [scoffs] All right, Tonya. All right, let's see here. Okay, uh, Billie Jean King, Wild Bill Hickok, uh... Billy Joel...
Rochelle: What do you do with these pictures anyway?
Risky: Oh, I sell 'em to soul food restaurants. Okay, Arctic Ocean, uh, Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean... Billy Ocean!
Quote from Everybody Hates Playboy
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My last option was to go to Risky. Since all his stuff was stolen, I knew he wouldn't call a cop. He'd get you liquor.
Boy: It's for my uncle.
Risky: Yeah, don't drink it all at once.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He'd get you cigarettes.
Girl: It's for my mother.
Risky: Yeah, don't smoke them all at once.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He could even get you plutonium.
Man: It's for my daughter.
Risky: Do not use this all at once.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So I figured I wouldn't have a problem.
Risky: Playboy magazine? I ain't selling you no Playboy magazine. Boy, what you think this is? I know your mama. Now how do you think she'd feel if she knew you were out here trying to buy a Playboy magazine? Now if you want to buy beer or cigarettes, that's one thing. A Playboy magazine? You better keep on moving. Tell your mama I said hey.
Boy: I want Wild Cherry to win in the fifth race at Saratoga.
Quote from Everybody Hates Snow Day
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The snow stopped the traffic, but it couldn't stop Risky.
Risky: Julius! Julius!
Risky: What are you doing out here, man?
Julius: Chris is stuck at school. I gotta get him. Can you help me out?
Risky: Oh, sorry, no room, man. Me and my man, Nanook, out here trying to make money on these cross-country skis. You want a pair?
Julius: How much?
Quote from Everybody Hates the BFD
Manny: Going to that concert?
Chris: I wish. It's sold out.
Risky: I've got a guy that's gonna give me two tickets tomorrow. They're yours for $200.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I don't have $200.
Chris: I'll take 'em.
Risky: Okay, I'll have them tomorrow at 6:00. And I'm gonna need cash. Now I don't take check, credit, pesos, rubles, wampums, ducats or wherewithal.
Chris: No problem.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] As long as you can also loan me $200.
Quote from Everybody Hates Math
Cooper: Somebody broke into the truck again last night. Stole the coffeemaker, they stole the coffee, they stole the sugar, they stole the creamer, they stole the straws, they stole the stirrers, they even stole the Sweet'N Low. All they left me was three bags of Earl Grey tea and these cups. I can give you the water, but you have to heat it yourself.
Risky: What if I give you a new coffeemaker? Fifteen bucks.
Cooper: Fifteen bucks?! Last time, you only charged me ten. The time before that, you charged me 20. And both times, they looked like the same coffeemaker.
Julius: Now, what are you doing?
Risky: What? I'm just trying to make a little extra money on the side.
Julius: Your job here is unloading papers, not selling stolen coffee pots.
Risky: It's not stolen, it's recovered.
Cooper: Yeah. And if you stop recovering them from me, I could stop recovering them for you.
Julius: When you're with me, you got one job: unloading papers.
Risky: I'm not trying to hurt nobody, man. We're all in this together. It's the business cycle. If he can't sell coffee, you can't sell papers, next thing you know, we're all out of a job.
Cooper: Twelve bucks! This time, I want the coffeemaker, I want a pistol, and I want some No-Doz.
Julius: Go get the coffeemaker.
Quote from Everybody Hates Gretzky
Risky: Chris and Drew are missing? No, I haven't seen them, but I think I can help you. For just 17 cents a day, you can adopt one of these African children. And the best part is they don't live with you.
Tonya: Ooh, can we take Ubingi? He's so cute.
Julius: Not for 17 cents a day.
Quote from Everybody Hates Mother's Day
Risky: Oh, yeah, I got the latest designer imposter perfumes. Yeah. I've got Chanel No. 45. Huh? Calvin Klein's Depression, Revlon's Chucky...
Chris: Do you have Pure Voodoo?
Risky: Do I have Pure Voodoo? Look at that. Pah-dow!
Chris: Wow, does this smell like the original?
Risky: Same smell, same bottle, same box. An exact replica right down to the letter. And it's only $20.
Chris: Great. I'll take it.
Risky: Yo, for five dollars extra, you can get this Ewing cologne for Father's Day. Hmm? It's the official scent of Patrick Ewing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before or after the game?
Chris: No thanks.
Quote from Everybody Hates the English Teacher
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my father read his code violations, I decided to skip reading altogether.
Risky: All right. The Invisible Dog, The Invisible Mice, Shaft-- Oh. How did that get in there? All right. One Nation Invisible, Now You See 'Em, Now You Don't, Peek-a-boo-- That's cute. That's for kids. Hard To See... Oh, ah. The Invisible Man. Here you go.
Quote from Everybody Hates Food Stamps
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother finally had to turn to the one guy she thought could help her... Risky. Now, Risky specialized in buying and selling things he wasn't supposed to have.
Rochelle: Come on, Risky. Man, this $200 worth of food stamps.
Risky: $200 dollars worth of food stamps? I'm trying to sell $2,000 worth of food stamps. Want to buy an iron?
Rochelle: You take food stamps?
Quote from Everybody Hates Food Stamps
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother decided to hit the one place where selling food stamps would be easy.
Rochelle: Food stamps, Food stamps, 50 cent on the dollar. Come on, Paco.
Risky: I'll take a nickel bag.
Risky: Rochelle? What you doing? You selling weed?
Rochelle: No, I'm not selling weed. I'm selling food stamps.
Risky: Oh, well, who's selling weed?
Rochelle: Get your jelly bean head out of here.