- Main Characters
- Joey Caruso
- Ms. Morello
- Mr. Omar
- Kill Moves
Quote from Everybody Hates the Guidance Counselor
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My dad didn't go to college and neither did my mother, so I tried to find out if I knew anybody who did.
Chris: Hey, Manny, did you ever go to college?
Manny: Always wanted to, but I found out I couldn't.
Chris: Why not?
Manny: I had this thing called "extenuating circumstances."
Mr. Omar: Like what?
Manny: I never finished high school. So I got a job here and when Manny died, I took over.
Chris: Wait, you had the same name as the owner?
Manny: No, no, no, my name was Lester. But I had to make a choice: change the sign or change my name. And that sign was expensive.
Quote from Everybody Hates Ex-Cons
Manny: Well, the man was asking for your help, and you turned him down. Sometimes people need a hand. Now, back when I hadtroubles, if it wasn't for Supercuts Johnson, I don't know where I'd be today.
Risky: Supercut Johnson? Who's that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Anywhere relation to Jehri Curl Johnson?
Manny: He was a barber when I was doing time in prison. He used to cut hair on death row.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Why would you want to get your hair cut when you're on death row?
James: You was in the joint?
Manny: Oh, yeah.
Monk: Man, what'd you do?
Manny: You know that tag on the mattress that says "Do not pull off"? I pulled that thing off. Do not pull that tag off, man. They are not playing with y'all.
Quote from Everybody Hates Blackie
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my father tried to get clues from the clueless.
Julius: Look, I want information, and word on the street is that you got some.
Manny: Where'd you hear that from? Radio or something, man? Ain't got no damn TV, so I heard.
Julius: Maybe you should talk to Mr. Lincoln.
Manny: A penny? You can keep your penny, man. I don't know nothing, man. I haven't heard anything. No one's told me anything. Zero.
Julius: Hey, hey, hey, you sure? I mean, maybe you want to talk to Mr. Roosevelt, too.
Manny: You know what? I would love to talk to Mr. Roosevelt. [holds up imaginary phone] Yes, Mr. President. Yeah, Julius is standing right here. Yeah, yeah. He ain't got enough money. No, he's really short of money. Yeah, he's still standing here. I will tell him, Mr. President. Okay, okay, I'll tell him. Bye-bye. ["hangs up"] Um, he says to go talk to Kill Moves 'cause Kill Moves has his ear to the street.
Quote from Everybody Hates Houseguests
Greg: I can't decide on a hairstyle. I'm stuck between Verdine White and Dr. J.
Manny: I cannot cut your hair, Greg.
Greg: Why not?
Manny: First of all, your hair's not long enough to be Verdine White, and it's not curly enough to be Dr. J. I've never used these scissors on straight hair. I don't know what will happen. I'll start cutting your hair, man, sparks start flying everywhere, your whole head catch on fire. And I will not be sued by White people!
Quote from Everybody Hates the Bachelor Pad
Manny: You said they had the flu, right? Now, I got the cure for the flu right here. You should've asked me earlier. Here you go; check that out right there.
Chris: Does it work?
Risky: Oh, it worked for me.
Monk: Me too.
Kill Moves: It even stopped my hallucinations for a... while. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Charlie, where you going? Come back, man. I need to borrow five dollars.
Manny: You see that, man? Look, you tell them to take one teaspoon. One teaspoon, 'cause it'll knock you out for five hours. But it works.
Jerome: Five hours? Let me hold that bottle.
Manny: Are you sick?
Manny: I didn't think so. Here you go, Chris, man. Remember what I said now. One teaspoon. You're all done. Uh! Next!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He gave the same elixir to people who need to take paint off of cars.
Quote from Everybody Hates Earth Day
Manny: I help the environment by driving as much as I can. You ever ride that train? That train is filthy, man. You know it's dirty as hell when rats got footies on. You want to save this planet? Get rid of them trains. Get rid of them trains.
Quote from Everybody Hates Being Cool
Manny: You know, you could do this yourself, Julius.
Julius: Yeah, but every time I do, I nick my head.
Manny: You know what's going on? You got a lot of bumps back here, man. Lot of lumps in the back of your head, man. My grandmother used to read these things, man. The configuration is telling me you got a lot of tension.
Julius: Yeah, well, that's true.
Quote from Everybody Hates Kwanzaa
Manny: What's wrong, Julius?
Julius: Man, those papers are heavy this time of year. Kills my back.
Manny: What's going on for the holidays?
Julius: Not much. I didn't get my Christmas bonus. It's gonna be tight.
Manny: It's tight, all right, man. I ain't got this year, man. I'm not buying no gifts, I'm not buying no cards. I'm not even calling nobody, man. Everybody getting the same gift from me this year... hope. Hope I buy them something.
Julius: Thanks, Manny Have a good one, man.
Manny: Good luck, man.
Quote from Everybody Hates the BFD
Mr. Omar: Manny, you mind if I leave these here?
Manny: What is it?
Mr. Omar: Applications for my BFD Scholarship.
Mr. Omar: Black Funeral Directors.
Manny: What I was thinking wasn't even close. [chuckles] You, too, right?
Quote from Everybody Hates the BFD
Adult Chris: [v.o.] For as long as I can remember, music was a part of my life. And in 1986, the biggest act in the world was Run-DMC.
Risky: What you listening to, young blood? Young blood... what you listening to?
Manny: What kind of name is "Run"? Ain't that a verb, everybody? [men chuckling]