- Main Characters
- Joey Caruso
- Ms. Morello
- Mr. Omar
- Kill Moves
Quote from Everybody Hates Tattaglia
Tonya: So I'm getting fired for being honest?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It happened to Don Imus. It could happen to you.
Rochelle: I'm sorry, but yes.
Tonya: You know what? I don't need this mess! My father has two jobs!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Deja vu. My mother would have snatched the naps out of Tonya's head, but at that moment, she was just too proud.
Quote from Everybody Hates Tattaglia
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my mother told Tonya she could say anything she wanted, Tonya took her at her word.
Tonya: Did you dye your hair blond or did you dye your eyebrows black?
Tonya: Your perm looks nice, but what's wrong with your toenails?
Tonya: Should you be using food stamps to pay for this?
Quote from Everybody Hates Fake IDs
Rochelle: Can you please tell your father that I have nothing to say to him.
Tonya: Mama said she has nothing to say to you.
Julius: Fine. Throw me a party.
Rochelle: Oh! So now all of a sudden you want to have a party. Well, it's too late. You just can't blow some balloons up, set a cake on fire and start hollering. You have to plan for a party. I mean, I have to send out invitations, write out a guest list, make present suggestions. Oh, no, no, you are not putting me through all that. Nuh-uh. The next time you want to have a party, you need to say something ahead of time instead of always waiting till the last minute!
Tonya: Mama said, "Oh! So now all of a sudden you want to have a party. Well, it's too late. You can't just blow up some balloons, set a cake on fire, and start hollering. You have to plan for a party. You have to invite the people. You have to invite the family from out of town. You have to get the cake. You have to get the ice cream. You have to get toys for the little kids to play with..."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since it's against the law to choke children on film, we're gonna go to the next scene.
Tonya: "No, you have to plan for it!"
Quote from Everybody Hates Earth Day
Julius: What happened?
Tonya: I was trying to study and this girl kept talking so I told her: [in Rochelle's voice]: "If you don't shut up, I'm going to slap the chatter out of you." And she left me alone.
Drew: Wow, you sound just like mom.
Rochelle: No, she doesn't.
Julius: She does. I mean, just a little.
Quote from Everybody Hates the Babysitter
Tonya: Does Yvette live with you?
Mrs. Sanders: Yes. Why?
Tonya: My mama said if I have a baby before I get married, she says she's putting me out because she ain't raising no babies. You like raising babies?
Mrs. Sanders: No.
Tonya: How come you didn't put her out?
Mrs. Sanders: How old are you?
Quote from Everybody Hates Christmas
Rochelle: Tonya, I thought you were gonna put up the decorations.
Tonya: I don't want to now.
Rochelle: Why not?
Tonya: Because... you and Daddy lied to me.
Rochelle: We lied to you? About what?
Tonya: I know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.
30-year-old Tonya: So what else to you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't taking care of no baby? Can I really not bring a White boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers.
Quote from Everybody Hates the Class President
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In 1984, Michael Jackson became the biggest star on Earth, but to my sister Tonya, he couldn't hold a candle to Billy Ocean.
Drew: What are you doing?
Tonya: I'm learning the steps from "Caribbean Queen."
Drew: There are no steps to "Caribbean Queen."
Tonya: Yes, there are. First he does like this, then he does like this, then he does like this, and then he does this, and he finishes off with this. He also does the moonwalk, but I don't know how to do that yet.
Drew: Billy Ocean doesn't moonwalk. That's Michael Jackson's move.
Tonya: Where do you think Michael got it from?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Peg Leg Bates.
Quote from Everybody Hates Eggs
Rochelle: I have an announcement to make. We have a new addition to the family.
Julius: What? You having a baby?
Tonya: He ain't sleeping in my room.
Rochelle: I'm not having a baby. Chris did.
Tonya: I thought you said if we bring home a baby, you'd slap the Similac out of us.
Quote from Everybody Hates Bad Boys
Drew: Wow. I've never had coq au vin before.
Mrs. Banks: You two have such great manners.
Mr. Banks: Your mother must be very proud.
Tonya: Well, she said if we didn't act right, she'd slap the caviar out of us.
Mrs. Banks: Oh. Bearnaise, anyone?
Quote from Everybody Hates the Ninth-Grade Dance
Ballet Teacher: Okay, ladies, that's good for today. And Tonya, great job. You'll make a wonderful ballerina.
Tonya: Thank you.
Rochelle: See, honey? I told you you would be great.
Tonya: Yeah, but you also threatened to slap the arch out of my foot if I wasted Daddy's money.
Rochelle: [chuckles] Don't say that too loud.