Julius: All right, first of all, in the future, no kid gets thrown out of the house unless we both throw them out. Second, your mother's in charge. When she tells you to do something, you do it. You got it? I'm talking to everybody here. Now, do we all understand?
All: Yes.
Julius: Good. Chris, apologize to your mother.
Chris: I'm sorry.
Julius: Sorry for what?
Chris: Mom, I'm sorry for being disrespectful and talking back to you.
Julius: Good. Rochelle? [Rochelle is silent] Rochelle?
Rochelle: [sighs] Chris, I'm sorry for being unreasonable. I know I was unfair.
Julius: Okay. This is over and done. Chris, give your mother a hug.
Rochelle: I'm sorry, baby. I love you.
Chris: I'm sorry, too, Mom.
Julius: Great. Drew, Tonya, go watch TV. Chris, clean this mess up.
Rochelle: Yeah, baby!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was waiting to get my woman, my father's woman was waiting to get him.
Julius: Hey, baby.
Rochelle: Why didn't you tell me you were married to someone else?
Julius: Huh?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now would be a good time to run.
Rochelle: Don't "huh?" me. Tawny Reynolds? Does the name ring a bell?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You better say something. She might have a gun.
Julius: Yeah. Um... It was a long time ago. It was a long time before I even met you. I was 17 in Atlantic City, and we were drunk. We got married. Four days later, we were divorced.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Story of Britney Spears' life.

Bootsy Collins: Glory halle-stupid! Yeah, bobbas, uh, yeah. Now, do you, Julius, take Rochelle to be your rhinestone rock star monster of a doll baby bobba?
Julius: I do.
Bootsy Collins: And Rochelle, do you take Julius to be your rhinestone rock star monster of a man?
Rochelle: I do.
Bootsy Collins: With all the powers invested in me and the blasters of the universe, along with the mother ship connection I now pronounce you man and wifey. Now go funk her up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He said "funk", kids, with an "N."
Bootsy Collins: Funk her up. [sings] Do you want to get funked up? Funk, yeah, funk her up Don't you want to get funked up?

Rochelle: Where you been?
Julius: Tattoo down at the garage. The battery's dead.
Rochelle: What?
Julius: I know. it's a brand-new battery. I told him you bought a new one two months ago, and he said it looked like it was four years old. I don't get it.
Rochelle: He said it looked like it was four years old? That's crazy.
Julius: Yeah, it's been a crazy day. One bad thing happening right after the other. I found out I had a hole in my pocket, and I lost 89 cents.

Drew: Do we have to drink this?
Tonya: You don't have to do anything but stay ugly and die.
Julius: Yeah. We need to be on the safe side.
Tonya: It looks like Clay-Dough and grits.
Drew: Ugh! It tastes like Clay-Dough and grits.
Julius: It is Clay-Dough and grits. If you treat the mojo in the first 24 hours, you can stop it from taking hold.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my father was about to make a huge mistake.
Julius: Hey, Pam.
Pam: Oh, Julius, thank God.
Julius: Why, what happened? You hit the number again?
Pam: No, I need $25. I left my wallet at home, and I need to pick up my dry cleaning.
Julius: Pam, you know how I feel about lending people money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like the Klan feels about Black people.
Pam: Julius, you know I'm good for it. You'll get it back so quick, you won't even know you gave it to me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Save yourself some time. Don't give it to her.
Julius: Didn't your hair used to be yellow?
Pam: That's blond.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After my mother tried knocking some sense into me, she tried to talk some sense into me.
Rochelle: Chris, I'm not gonna sit back and watch you throw your life away.
Chris: Mom, you can't make me go.
Rochelle: I did not spend all these years trying to make sure that you-
Julius: He's right, Rochelle. We can't force him to go. But if you think you're gonna sit around this house all day, think again. If you don't go to school, you go to work.
Rochelle: Well, what kind of job is he supposed to get with a tenth-grade education?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I don't know, ask George Bush.
Julius: What's it gonna be, Chris?

Chris: Ma, a lot of people got their G.E.D. and did fine. I looked it up.
Rochelle: Yeah? Like who?
Chris: Bill Cosby got a G.E.D.
Rochelle: So what, you want to be comedian? Ha! Very funny.
Julius: Chris, is this what you want to do?
Chris: Yes. I'll make you all proud of me.
Julius: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] As long as you're out when you're 18.
Julius: It'll be all right. If he doesn't make us proud, I'll kill him, and nobody'll ever know.

Julius: I need you to go to the corner store after school and buy a lottery ticket for me. Six-three-seven.
Chris: Yeah, but you said you weren't-
Julius: I know what I said!
Chris: Huh?
Julius: I've just got a feeling about this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: Just shut up and do what I tell you.
Julius: Now, keep this between me and you, all right? Six-three-seven, all right? And keep the ticket on you. Go! Go, go, go!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He hadn't been that excited about a dream since Martin Luther King's.

Julius: Hey, son. Want a soda?
Chris: Dad, what do you do when you're trying not to like somebody, but you can't get them off your mind?
Julius: Chris, we can't talk about this!
Chris: Why not?
Julius: Look, Chris, sometimes things ain't always what they look like. I mean, just because you might think about somebody, doesn't mean anything's going to happen. You know, it's... It's just... It's innocent. But you can't tell nobody. You just keep your mouth shut. And keep your distance.
Chris: But she lives right next door.
Julius: Don't you think I know that? What you want me to do, move? Uh... It's nothing. Forget it. Drink your soda.
Chris: Well, what if she decides to tutor Drew again?
Julius: Well, you just got to... Drew?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: Who are we talking about?
Chris: Keisha.
Julius: Oh. Oh! Oh, Keisha! Keisha. Hey, man, look. Chris, you just have to focus on other things, okay? I mean, you know, it'll take a little time. You'll meet some more girls. She's just the first one. Is she the first one?
Chris: Kind of.
Julius: This is good.