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‘Everybody Hates My Man’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates My Man

405. Everybody Hates My Man

Aired October 31, 2008

Chris gets a taste of being cool after he agrees to do a football player's homework. Meanwhile, Julius discovers a new outlook on life after taking a job at Mr. Omar's funeral home.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Julius: Well, what's the job?
Mr. Omar: Well, my assistant died today.
Julius: Oh, no. What happened?
Mr. Omar: Well, he went to a dollar theater to watch the movie Airplane, when ironically, a chemical toilet fell out of an airplane, crashed through the roof and crushed him. Tragic. Tragic!

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Quote from Julius

Drew: I don't know how you can stand being around all those dead people.
Julius: I love it. It makes you realize that life is short. Anything can happen at any time. A toilet could fall out of the sky and crush you. A bus door could clamp on your neck and choke you. A poisonous lizard could escape from the zoo and bite you. You could fall off a bridge and drown. [3 hours later] And you could trip and fall in front of a power mower and be decapitated. [1:00 a.m.] [on the phone] You could be smoking a cigarette and blow up while siphoning 65 cents worth of glass. And you could eat some bad coleslaw and get diarrhea and die of dehydration. [the next morning] You could step in a puddle and be electrocuted by a downed wire. You could blow your nose and startle a cat with rabies...
Rochelle: Okay, okay, we get it! We can die at any time, and you're happy!
Julius: That's right.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: What's going on with you?
Julius: What are you talking about?
Rochelle: You're singing and dancing and willing to pay for finger waves and earrings?
Tonya: Are you leaving us for a White woman?
Julius: No. It's just being at this new job, I'm with dead people everywhere I go. It just makes me feel like I need to appreciate life a little more. Oh, this is good! What is this, baby?
Rochelle: Vegetables.
Julius: You kids try this? Chris, pass me the big piece of carrot.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Dude, just then, am I crazy, or when Dickerson said "my man" was he talking to you?
Chris: Yeah, he was talking to me.
Greg: That's awesome! You're, like, his number-two guy now. It's like Chico and the Man, My Man Godfrey, Our Man Flint. I can't even imagine. The perks gotta be great.
Chris: Well, so far the only perk is Caruso saw me earlier and didn't punch me in the face.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Seeing those bodies every day was an epiphany for me.
Rochelle: Mm. Well, that epiphany cost $867.42.
Julius: What?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's when my father realized epiphanies are expensive.
Julius: Man. Epiphanies are expensive.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Then he had another epiphany.
Julius: I'm never going to get that money back.

Quote from Julius

Tonya: Can I get finger waves in my hair?
Rochelle: You got finger wave money?
Drew: Uh, I could give her finger waves. All you need is a perm kit, holding gel, some gloves and your fingers.
Rochelle: I don't think so, baby.
Julius: I'll give you ten dollars if you need it.
Rochelle: You been drinking?
Julius: No. I just feel good today.
Chris: Dad, you said you'd just pay for finger waves.
Rochelle: Did you get knocked over your head and forget you were broke?
Julius: No.
Drew: Did aliens kidnap you and replace you with a rich guy?
Julius: No.
Tonya: Can I get new earrings?
Julius: Sure.

Quote from Julius

Chris: Ma, can I go? I got to get to school.
Julius: Hold on. Since I'm happy, I want you all to be happy. I bought you all some presents.
Rochelle: You did what?
Julius: Drew, I got you a Kangol hat.
Drew: Ah, cool.
Rochelle: Wait, wait, wait. That thing is expensive.
Julius: Tonya, I got you a Danny Glover Witness Action Play Set.
Rochelle: You bought your daughter a gun?
Tonya: It's just like the one he wounded Harrison Ford with. Thanks, Daddy!
Julius: They were out of The Color Purple Play Set. Chris, I got you the heavy-duty garbage bag with the quick ties so they won't break when you carry a heavy load.
Chris: Ah, 13-gallon. I was wondering how you were gonna top the Danny Glover thing.

Quote from Ryan

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At school, things were getting ugly, but to my father, life was beautiful.
James: I don't know what's got into you, but I hope it don't get out.
Julius: You know, James, life is short. I mean, one day, you could pick your toenail and...
Ryan: End up with a bad viral infection and have to get your foot amputated. We got it. Look, before you get to the next scenario, can I get that cash?

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Can you let me hold some bail money?
Julius: Get yourself a lawyer, too.
Police Officer: Come on.
Jerome: I didn't do nothing.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You're throwing money away.
Julius: No, I'm not, baby. I'm spreading happiness. That's the only real thing you can do with life. Who knows how much time we have left?
Rochelle: I do! We've got 18 years left to pay off this house. Three kids left to put through school. 14 days left to pay off last month's gas bill. And you got one more bounce before I shove that ball down your throat.
Julius: That's my point, Rochelle. I could be dead before my threesies.
Rochelle: Julius, you have got to quit this job.
Julius: I don't want to quit this job. I want to be happy.
Rochelle: You want to be happy. Okay, one question: Do you want to be happy or do you want to be married?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Why can't you have both? Just kidding.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had expected a little more. I thought by being cool with Dickerson, a whole new world would open up... in school.
[fantasy:]
Lunch Lady: That'll be a dollar.
Walter Dickerson: Whoa, whoa. His lunch is free. That's my man.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] after class...
Walter Dickerson: [to a girl] Hey, give him your number. That's my man.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] even in the streets.
Police Officer: What do we have here? Aw, look at that.
Walter Dickerson: Hey, hey, don't arrest him. That's my man.
Police Officer: Oh, my bad. Excuse me. Sorry. There you go. You got it.
Chris: No problem.
Police Officer: Good to see you.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, I wasn't the only one who needed a new man on the job.
Mr. Omar: Oh! Excuse me, Mr. Julius. Exactly the man I was looking for.
Julius: Is everything all right?
Mr. Omar: Actually, I got a bit of a situation. You wouldn't know anyone looking for a job, would you?
[fantasy:]
Julius: Me! Me! I want a job! Me! Whoo! I want a... Me!
[reality:]
Julius: What kind of job? I mean, I might be interested.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If my father had been a rapper, his name would've been Snoop Jobby-Job.
Mr. Omar: Don't you already have two jobs? You want another one?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's like asking Amy Winehouse if she wants another drink.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Julius: Well, what would I have to do?
Mr. Omar: Well, you know, pickups, deliveries.
Julius: That's what I already do.
Mr. Omar: Well, all right, then, you're hired! Uh, here you go. Now, the van's out front.
Julius: What's this?
Mr. Omar: Oh, the address to the theater. I need you to pick up my dead assistant, row J, seat 15. And I believe he's entitled to a refund, so you keep that as a signing bonus.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] With a new job and a signing bonus, my father thought he had been hit by a chemical toilet and gone to Heaven.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: What's up, Parish? Hey, Bird. So, what's up with you and Dickerson? You guys hanging out? That's your man? You're cool?
Chris: Basically, yeah.
Joey Caruso: Huh. [to Greg] What about you, are you cool with Dickerson, too?
Greg: Nah, just him.
Joey Caruso: Cool. [punches Greg in the stomach]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg did a nice job of waiting ten seconds before crying.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Julius, we have bills to pay, and you're giving out gifts? What about the present to the gas company, the electric company, the water company? This is $47.92 that you just spent on the kids!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Should my garbage bags really count in that total?
Julius: Not just for the kids. This is for you!
Rochelle: [screams] Oh! That's Armando Vermani! I love Armando Vermani!
Julius: It's all leather!
Rochelle: Oh, baby, this is beautiful!
Tonya: I thought you were mad because he was spending money.
Rochelle: Girl, shut up and go play with your gun. Oh, I got to put this in plastic!

Quote from Risky

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I had it hard, my father became a soft touch.
Risky: Hey, I need $10 for gas.
Julius: Regular or premium?
Risky: Premium.
Julius: There you go.
Risky: My man.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: I need to get my hair dryer fixed.
Julius: Just buy yourself a new one.
Vanessa: Ooh!

Quote from Monk

Monk: I need some ammo for my bazooka.
Julius: Anti-tank or anti-personnel?
Monk: Anti-tank, of course.
Julius: Oh, here you go.
Monk: Thank you.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: Hey, Dickerson, he's not your man anymore?
Walter Dickerson: No. I guess not.
[Caruso punches Chris in the face]

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You got to fire him, and you have to fire him today.
Mr. Omar: Why would I want to do that? I've never seen a man be so happy with his work.
Rochelle: He is throwing money away like there's no tomorrow.
Mr. Omar: Well, there might not be a tomorrow.
Rochelle: Well, if there is, you ain't gonna have no place to live.
Mr. Omar: What you talking about?
Rochelle: Let me remind you, you're a tenant in our house. If we lose our home, you lose your...
Mr. Omar: He's fired.
Rochelle: Thank you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you're keeping score, that's happy: zero, my mother: one.

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